Monday, January 31, 2011

coulda but didn't

this truly may have been the worst day in my sobriety. i have puked from so much anxiety...i had a full fledged panic attack during my meeting where i literally passed out on the floor in the bathroom.. my brain is short circuiting to the point i couldn't find the door handle to get out of the car. all of this and i mean ALL of this because of feelings. other people's actions and my reaction. other people's decisions and my reactions. this entire time i have felt as if i did something wrong. that i was at fault. that i ruined something. why? because this was me as a child...please don't be mad at me, i really didn't do anything wrong. please don't ignore me, i really didn't do anything.  please don't take away your affection, i didn't do anything. those years of being told i didn't count, that i wouldn't be anything, that i was a whore, that i was a loser if i didn't do this or that,  robbed my soul of any self worth. i didn't want you.  you don't know what loss is. your feelings don't fucking matter. you don't matter. this is why i am a black hole. this is why i give so much of myself away to others because why should i protect myself; i am not worthy of protection. those who were to protect, me didn't.
i am broken today. a broken spirit. a broken body.
i didn't pick up a fucking drink. the thought never even crossed my mind. i rather feel this suffering and true pain and go through it so that i never have to go through it again at this level. no one can take my sobriety away from me and i will be fucking damned if i let anyone do or say anything to me that makes me feel a drink will make it better. no mother fucking way.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Om Mani Padme Hum

sunday sunday...great meeting tonight...funny thing, i'm not craving a drink anymore.  i've been around alcohol a few times recently and had absolutely no desire. i am hoping that is a sign that my good ol' HP has taken that away. time will tell, or i could go and just plunk myself down at one of my favorite bars; but i think i'll wait on the time.
did i mention i'm getting a new tattoo? i did right...i can NOT stop thinking about very excited..tattoos for me are stories of a time in my life brought to you by indelible ink. that is the beauty i see in tattoos. okay, except for the gang letters in an arc over someone's belly button..that's just straight up dumb.....SO...this is the story behind why i am getting what i am getting...if you click on the link below and scroll down to the mantra Om Mani Padme Hum, it gives you a brief description of what the mantra means...

below, the link will show you the design i will be getting w/out the big circle around it and the symbol in the will be replaced with the tibetan symbol for each one of those symbols is tibetan script for the mantra Om Mani Padme Hum.

i know you are dying to know even more...actually, if you take the time to read this, it will surely explain why it is so meaningful to me...
People who learn about the mantra naturally want to know what it means, and often ask for a translation into English or some other Western language. However, Om Mani Padme Hum can not really be translated into a simple phrase or even a few sentences.  All of the Dharma is based on Buddha's discovery that suffering is unnecessary: Like a disease, once we really face the fact that suffering exists, we can look more deeply and discover it's cause; and when we discover that the cause is dependent on certain conditions, we can explore the possibility of removing those conditions. 
Buddha taught many very different methods for removing the cause of suffering, methods appropriate for the very different types and conditions and aptitudes of suffering beings. For those who had the capacity to understand it, he taught the most powerful method of all, a method based on the practice of compassion. It is known as the Mahayana, or Great Vehicle, because practicing it benefits all beings, without partiality. It is likened to a vast boat that carries all the beings in the universe across the sea of suffering.
Within the Mahayana the Buddha revealed the possibility of very quickly benefiting all beings, including oneself, by entering directly into the awakened state of mind, or Buddhahood, without delay. Again, there are different ways of accomplishing this, but the most powerful, and at the same time the most accessible, is to link ones own mind with the mind of a Buddha.
In visualization practice we imagine ourselves to be a Buddha, in this case the Buddha of Compassion, Chenrezig. By replacing the thought of yourself as you with the thought of yourself as Chenrezig, you gradually reduce and eventually remove the fixation on your personal self, which expands your loving kindness and compassion, toward yourself and toward others, and your intelligence and wisdom becomes enhanced, allowing you to see clearly what someone really needs and to communicate with them clearly and accurately. 
In most religious traditions one prays to the deities of the tradition in the hopes of receiving their blessing, which will benefit one in some way. In the vajrayana Buddhist tradition, however, the blessing and the power and the superlative qualities of the enlightened beings are not considered as coming from an outside source, but are believed to be innate, to be aspects of our own true nature. Chenrezig and his love and compassion are within us.
Chenrezig: The Embodiment of Compassion
In doing the visualization practice we connect with the body and voice and mind of the Buddha by the three aspects of the practice. By our posture and certain gestures we connect with the body, by reciting the words of the liturgy and by repeating the mantra we connect with the voice, and by imagining the visual form of the Buddha we connect with the mind.

so after reading all of that are you totally confused?  when you combine all the basic info, it means that the cycle of suffering can be closed when you are re-born into each realm. although i am not a practicing buddhist, anyone that knows me, knows that i have always been intrigued and learn bits at a time....and this recovery process is like a re-birth for me. not just because i'm sober...sure that's swell...but i am starting from the womb out. it is literally a re-birthing experience to change behaviors that i only knew of and learn ones that i had know idea even existed. i have never known...i have never known what is 'normal'. that isn't a slap in the face to those who raised me, they didn't know either. but i'm breaking the cycle. i'm learning to live. i am crying as i type this because i feel so joyous and free.  i will be ok. i've accepted (as my aunt says), that i am a person of depth and i will always have layers to peel away and that is just fine. i never knew that was okay. truly. 

Saturday, January 29, 2011


i have been wanting one for quite some last one is 4 years old...and with my new beginning it is appropriate to find something that correlates with my re-birth.
i still want my three little birds with the kids first initial, however, that one is gonna be a costly one...but i have found something so beautiful, meaningful, spiritual that coincides with my tibetan buddha and what i am doing in my sobriety.  i am so excited.  i can only get it priced today as the money fairy doesn't just drop off bundles of cash on a moments notice...but that's okay...patiece...just getting it priced will be fun!

Thursday, January 27, 2011


woke up this morning with a clear conscious.  i can only do what i can do. while change can be difficult that does not equal bad. one door closes another opens.  there is a sense of relief that my side of the street is clean.  i rather be happy than right. 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


in a bit of a funk.  nothing major, most people would call it dealing with life.  but, regardless, it is making me funky and not in the james brown way. 

a certain situation has made me sad.  it feels as though i am not being heard or even acknowledged.  realizing things are not always what they seem is completely normal and common, however, with this, it is extra sad.  

as kenny rogers would say 'ya gotta know when to hold em', and no when to fold em'' and i need to fold em'.  making this decision did not come easy at all. in fact it has been a struggle and strain. it also did not happen overnight; it really has just been building.  

i have been seeking  'counsel' if you will, from trusted friends, family and others on how i have handled the situation and what i can do, and/or continue to do.  there are always two sides to a story, but only one side is being heard because the other is pretending it isn't there...or at least that is how i am perceiving it.

the best i can do is to treat the situation as i would want to be treated and keep my side of the street clean. on one hand that does come very naturally for me, on the other because of the disconnect and the time that passes without any acknowledgment or communication it becomes more and more difficult. 

for a long time i thought it was just being sensitive, me overreacting, me reading too much into things. but those who are objective and are not involved have made it clear that especially at this point, i am not doing any of what i mentioned above. this is not to lay blame by any means. we all handle things differently and in our own way. 

unfortunately, there will be lots lost.  it does make me sad. it does make me feel there is a missing sense of maturity in handling all of this and because of that, there will be even more of a greater loss.  i do not wish anyone harm, nor will i burn bridges or trash talk.  that has never been in my nature and it certainly isn't now.  my nature though, is to be direct, lay the cards on the table and come up with a solution or dissolution that is mature and as pain free as possible.  i do not react well to being ignored, given the cold shoulder or made to feel as though i am being punished for speaking my mind.  i have given the proverbial ball away and as of right now, it appears it has been taken home in a huff and puff storm. 

i can not control this situation, nor the actions of others.  i have reached out twice now; there is not much left i can do on my side of the street.  if this matter isn't addressed soon, then i will have no choice but to walk away sooner than expected.  ignoring a situation does not make it go away...even just a small act of communication would let me know that there is some thinking going on and this matter has not been glossed over. 

there is still hope that a few things can be salvaged. but if not, it will be what it will be.  i will not overreact or back up into a corner and turn into a ball of mush.  i will however move on and forward and let it be a lesson learned. 

Monday, January 24, 2011

lesson 1,237

i am just as offensive, vulgar, obnoxious, witty, silly, loving, compassionate and ridiculous sober as when i was drunk. the difference is, i now know when it is appropriate to behave in those manors. 
funny thing to realize you are still you sober and to know that is ok. using alcohol to alter me and who i am doesn't's still me, just 1,000xs more intense...and really, i am intense enough as it is...
i love being sober. i want to stay sober. i never want to get sober again. 

Friday, January 21, 2011


grateful for eminem's recovery album...wii boxing...
sometimes you just need to get the shit out...
music is my life, my therapy, my soul..
thank the universe for music

Thursday, January 20, 2011


doin good...i know this is a naughty attitude...but ya know i love the F bomb...and sometimes just wanna say.....

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

stupid ice jerkface

yeah so this morning i hit a chunk of ice that sent me straight for a telephone pole. luckily i had enough wits to turn the steering wheel so that i didn't hit it straight on, but hit the side of the car/tire...of course that bounced me across the street into a snow bank.  i thought it was really nice that the truck that i almost hit did NOT stop to see if i was okay; i mean hey, that would be a kind gesture, no?  but it's cool, i was in my jammies anyway. tacky tacky.

started off really pissed and annoyed with myself for sliding across nature and hitting a large wooden structure..but there was nothing i could do. the irony is that this is the first accident i have ever been in where i was driving and thank god i was sober or not hungover. sheesh, i probably would have gunned it or who knows. but i pumped those breaks like it was my job and didn't go face first into a pole. i've been through a windshield once before, it isn't fun.

i mean, it's a car, it's money i don't have and it is perfect timing since we are in the process of buying a new car for my husband (sarcasm friends). again, nothing i can do, so no need to obsess and be pissed off or angry, so i'll make fun of this and make jokes and hope that the repair shop takes rotten livers as payments. what else can i do? 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

hmmmm...just thoughts

growth is sprouting. learning to handle situations in a different manor, even though my first instinct is my old behavior; i am catching myself.  i call that a bit of progress. baby steps.  i'm the 11mth old who's parent is holding their hands as the baby weebles and wobbles in front of them and occasionally falls down.  it is so okay though. i'm working my program the way i need to do it. taking suggestions from those i respect and get the gut feeling they are sincere and truly working the program too.
the realization that 90 days is great, but it is what it is; 90 days. this is a lifetime commitment one day at a time. while i applaud my journey so far, it will never be finished. that isn't to sound daunting or overwhelming, it is a fact.  as soon as i get lazy, my thinking changes and when your thinking changes you are on your way to a relapse...taking that drink is the last step to relapsing.  vigilance is a must and is a powerful tool. 
on to something completely different.  i have started training for a 5k for my job.  it is a bit hush hush right now until a few more kinks get worked out, but we are training. it is going to be a fundraiser.  i just can't stop laughing at me running a 5k (we were told no walking; boooo... :)) first reaction was...awe crap. but truly, this is a great time for me to do this. it will give me another goal that is obtainable, work on getting me healthier and hopefully lose these last gazillion baby pounds i've been carrying for way too long.  so i'm going royal tenenbaum myself some red track suit pants today..must find a matching jacket, then on to the sweat bands. if i'm going to be running, i'm going to have fun with this! training started yesterday and by the end of spring early/summer we will be running. i die thinking of me actually running...i look ridiculous, but i'll do anything to raise money for a baby who needs a lot of surgeries!
i am grateful for today...i am grateful for finding red track suit pants...i am grateful to be sober...and i'm grateful i didn't have to cook dinner and soccer was canceled.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


if you count my days, today is my 90th day sober...if you do it by date, then tuesday will be my 90th...i count the days right YEAH!! 90 days of sobriety. highs and lows all over the place, but to know that i have 90 flippin days feels amazing. every day i wake up sober is a good day, but not gonna lie, today feels extra special. i am going to a meeting this morning to hear some speakers...then i may treat myself to watching the playoff game. i love the patriots...however, since getting sober, i haven't been able to watch...simply because i associated football with drinking. hell, i associated everything with drinking, but come on, it's football.  so today, i'd like to watch my patriots kick the jets ass and maybe i'll be crazy and drink a soda! 
thanks to my higher power for keeping me propelled forward, feeling the feelings and not taking that first drink. thanks to my loving friends and family that support me unconditionally and accept who i am and are understanding of this lifestyle change. thanks to AA for giving me a place to go, to just be, to meet others who know what my shoes feel like and who teach me something every time i walk into those halls (i wouldn't mind if the church basements had heat, but at least i have a coat!)!!!....i am so very grateful i could jump out of my skin with elation then run around in the snow. I AM SOBER!!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011


cue the beastie boys...sabotage...
yup, that's what i almost did this week...self sabotage...why you ask? because i was so uncomfortable feeling good from what others had said and also because i didn't go to meetings for a few days. 
my priority is to stay order to do that, i have to go to meetings. even just missing a few, fucks my head right up. 
i went to a meeting last night with a friend.  great meeting with funny speakers. it's always nice when you can laugh at yourself, yet still bring a message of hope.  i went to a great meeting this morning...although, i got the 'finger pointing at the watch because you are sharing too long' gesture...i didn't care though, i needed to say what i needed to say. i do think i got a little red in the face, but whatever. AA is a funny thing...some folks have these strict rules and others don't. the only 'real' rules are the 12 traditions...everything else is made up by someone at a podium...i say that because i'm learning that even in AA you have to stay with the winners, go with your gut on doing the right thing. as my sponsor has said, just because someone is sober doesn't mean they are true....
anyway, feeling hella good today...pretty peaceful...silly mood...kinda want a nap though...
grateful to wake up sober even if it was 7 degrees outside..not going to drink today...props to my higher power and the wonderful people in my life that keep it real, kick me in the ass when i need it and give hugs too!!

Friday, January 14, 2011

new day

okay....bring it day...a bit more peaceful and calm. and i'm still sober so, in reality, yesterday was a good through it without a drink.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

the cleaner

total shout out to u. that was some tough love today and you really pissed me off a few times...but i didn't want to treat you poorly or engage in old behaviors. you cut me to my knees, made me feel really humble. it was exactly what i needed. how'd you know? thanks.

suck it

the day is continuing to get worse...i feel like my chest has been cut open and i am completely exposed. my head is swimming, i'm panicky, and most definitely not centered or grounded. i found myself sitting in the parking lot of a liquor store for many, many minutes. i never went in, but i can't believe i pulled into the lot. so badly i wanted to go in there and get that nip of vodka...i wanted to feel it warm my veins and take the edge off...the emotional roller coaster is too much. i just can't do it today. i don't want to do it today. i want to numb something...i want to take the edge off schedule/routine is messed up and that really screws with me; and i hate routines/schedules, but they do make you feel safe just like they do for kids. i am taking it 5 minutes at a time today. i am saying that serenity prayer over and over.  i don't feel like i deserve all these kind things that have been happening to me. why would people say these things? why would they do these things?  how pathetic that i can't allow myself to accept the kindness...i don't have to believe it, but i can not accept it because i don't feel i am worth the words or actions.  today or at least right now fucking sucks. i hate this. i HATE THIS. i want a fucking drink. i'm furious that i can't have a fucking drink. i want to pitch a two year old tantrum. i want to scream at anyone that comes near me. i want to be in a hole, isolate and be fucking miserable bitch because i can't handle the positive today. i tried. i really really tried. where is my god damn peace? where is my fucking serenity? i am so angry, sad, lifeless and hopeless today. such a change from yeah, i know it doesn't last forever, but i am honoring how i feel right now and i feel like fucking shit. yay for feelings they rock.

no creative title for this one

returned from my morning meeting and i'm very anxious today. no reason to be, but my level is high. i was lucky enough to see my sponsor and have some face time, which is always good. they are good for my soul and very kind and understanding.
this was my first meeting since sunday, which for me is a long time to go without a meeting. so, i think part of my anxiety is from not being around other drunks and keeping it fresh.  i love meetings; they are my vitamin b12 shot. perhaps today i am getting readjusted.  i also have 90 days coming up and with that also comes some anxiety.  every day i stay sober is awesome, but for some reason the 90 seems so big and overwhelming. it isn't like it's a year, but they say at 90 days not drinking really is a habit so it kinda means in my mind that if the thought to pick up will be more mental than physical. which is scary. we all know i'm crackers.
what is so crazy to try and remember is alcoholism is a two pronged disease. it is an actual body allergy (that is why i can't stop with one or even two) and that it is a mental illness as well (the obsession and compulsion). however, it is meetings and the fellowship that keep the obsession and compulsion at bay. it is a reminder of where i came from.
also, memories of things i've done or said from my past are starting to come back to me. and not all of them from when i was drinking. it makes one a bit edgy to have real feelings again. i know i've said it before, but it truly is a raw exposed sensation and i can not say i enjoy that...almost like free falling.  but patience and my higher power will eventually take that sensation away and my insides will unravel themselves.
today gives me the memories and sense of what it was like to go to school for the very first time. so strange. just a moment in time, i acknowledge it and will just sit down and take the ride. 
i don't need a drink, i don't want a drink, so that is a good thing....expectations low...and one day, one hour and maybe 5 minutes at a time.  i am grateful to be sober and relearning how to live, and really live without alcohol as my crutch. 
i will listen to mr. marley....cause every little thing is gonna be alright.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


so grateful today. sure i bitch and moan about my kids, it's part of my job description....but i do love them to the moon and back.  a great day was had by all today. shoveled, played, napped, made dinner...low stress. sometimes i am ready to lose my shit with them, but i don't now...i am much more patient, calm and silly...coming up soon to 90 days and things are starting to make a little more sense and i am remembering a lot of things that are, well,  what they in thanking the universe for strength, courage and willingness; i thank you too.  i am really a lucky bitch to have immeasurable amounts of support from friends and family.  i can't do this you! xo

Monday, January 10, 2011

little by slow

i need to rat myself out a little.  the past week or so has been a little weird. not a clue why. and tonight i was thinking of dropping my meetings in my town and go to another town's meetings.  didn't feel like i was making the right connections, sharing too much and worrying.  my anxiety level is up 10fold since getting real.  when willingness came to me, it was truly amazing, and that is what made me realize, i'm just running because i don't feel comfortable. i'm not really giving it my all and making efforts to truly connect.  why? because what if you don't like who i am? i don't want to feel out of place in the one place i CAN be who i am.  that is some scary shit to me. totally raw.  super uncomfortable. not cool sometimes. HOWEVER, i realized it rather quickly. spent a little less time obsessing over it and i was willing to admit that i was ready to go back to a behavior that is not healthy. 
little by slow.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

fucking perfect

got a bit of resentment going on today. just a bit. i am resentful about two things. one, i feel like it really is karma and i don't have a leg to stand on by bringing it up.  the other, is just simply annoying. i've gotta think it through before i talk about it. what bothered me more? and it's all about in the way you discuss it with that person too. but this is all new because i have always thought of this person as fucking perfect and in reality, they aren't. we are humans and make mistakes (clearly i know this concept VERY well).  and sometimes i want to just stamp my feet like a bratty kid and say 'this isn't fair'....and it's not all about drinking either. it is about different roles in life and our responsibilities too. a whole new ball game when you can't drown your resentments in a bottle of wine or ignore them with vodka and pretend everything is okay.  it catches up to you at some point. it's all's part of the process. and i'm not pissy, just resentful but it isn't taking me over which is a good sign.  and you know what, i'm sure as hell not gonna drink over it...cause nothing is fucking perfect!

Thursday, January 6, 2011


besides the insane amount of mucus stuck in my sinus', i am feeling pretty damn good.
i am enjoying certain things...small things. like the cashiers at walmart for instance. now normally they drive me straight up bat shit crazy. they are way too personal with their stories and taking their time getting to know each and everyone of their customers and wishing them a 'happy new years'..but today, i enjoyed listening to verna. poor thing, her son never returns things to her in the same condition that she gives them him in.  on and and on she went, while i wait. couldn't even put my stuff on the nastafrass conveyor belt. after a bit of time, i was starting to get a little resentful towards verna because i had been the next in line for 10 minutes while she chatted up the person with three items in front of me....but i said, hey, throw a prayer, not a chair...and i did...said a little ditty called the serenity prayer and didn't get annoyed. once it was my turn to hang with verna, we chatted too. we talked about the humidifiers i was purchasing and that she had one once, but alas, she gave it to her son (who is 40 btw) and he never gave it back. but she does like to go walking in the morning cause it is refreshing...i'm guessing the refreshing wind is what blew her eyebrows off...but it was cool.  so yeah, that's all i have for now. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

shooting star

up early this morning. enjoying my cup of coffee on the deck, looking up towards the clear crisp sky and i see a shooting star. i haven't seen a shooting star in years. i took that traditional wish and used it for my best friend's father who is having heart surgery today. 
what a gift. to be up early, no hangover, enjoy the silence, not to be selfish and NOT use that wish for myself.
these are the little miracles. i am so very grateful and thankful that i am sober. and hell it's before 5:30am and i'm happy as a clam. that speaks volumes!

Monday, January 3, 2011


been so busy with this and that, i have not had time to update lately. i'm sure you all have been holding on to your seats with baited breath for my next post. 

things in general are going well. after a not so minor breakdown last week, i found 'willingness'; willingness to try new thing with regards to the program, the willingness to truly have faith that there is a higher power that can restore me back to sanity. the willingness to give thanks and praise to my higher power everyday as many times a day as i need and not just when i'm hurting. 

i recently  had to step outside of my box and was so freaking uncomfortable i thought i was going to crawl out of my skin, but with faith, i did what was asked of me and although incredibly uncomfortable, the result was the breakthrough. 

it feels as if one of the large heavy gauge metal chains has been broken and i can breathe a little bit better, see a bit better and feel a bit better.  

as naive as this sounds, i truly, truly thought when i started this journey of sobriety that the hardest part would be putting the drink down and 'breaking' the habit.  while that is still a thought in my mind (having a drink, that temptation has not been lifted yet, but i know it will come when i am ready) i honestly did not realize the emotional anguish i would go through. and yes, i've been through it before, but again like i've said, i've got to go through it again, and make peace with it and ask my higher power to take it away so that i no longer suffer. this too, will take time...and it may have to be done many times, but i am NOW WILLING to go through that process. i am now WILLING to hurt so that i may heal, for good.  i will always be an alcoholic, but i don't have to be a suffering, recovering alcoholic. 

new years day i had 76 days sobriety. i have started 2011 sober. small miracles happen if you are willing to let them, willing to ask for help and willing to have faith. i was my own stumbling block because i just didn't have complete faith that there was something out there bigger than me that wanted me to be healthy. those of you that know me, can understand that inner conflict.

but today, i have not had a drink. today, i have talked/prayed to my higher power many times, just for the heck of it. today, i know i am becoming a power of example for my children.