please, take my kids

i'd like to put my kids in foster care for the summer. i know, it doesn't sound very maternal. i get it. but seriously, i sure do wish they would stop fighting and picking on each other and just flat out doing whatever they want. and before criticism forms in your head about my parenting, you can go fuck yourself.  i am a good mom. there are rules, boundaries and consequences, but sometimes, kids are just kids and they drive you up a steep, steep mountain where jumping looks rather inviting.
now i am in no way justifying my drinking...but i do see how i drank more when the kids were around. not something i am proud of at all. i actually have a lot of pain to deal with because of doing so. what i missed, what i didn't do, what damage i caused....but damn, the drink took the urge to kill them away. now i have to rely on what i've learned thus far. some days it works. but with them all home this summer i am struggling. sure i have a choice to have a different attitude and i try minute by minute yet their voices send daggers to my brain and make flames shoot out of my eyes. i get so heated with them. can they just be pleasant for say 3, 10 minute increments a day? is that such a high expectation?
drinking isn't an option nor do i want one. but i would like some mental relief from these kids. yes, i chose to have 3, blah blah blah...but fuck it's hard.

grateful list

time for another grateful list...in random order of course...

coffee with 1/2 & 1/2 and splenda
zinan's morning breath
padfoot our guinea pig
my medication and medical insurance
a daughter
two sons
insane laughter
medeski quotes
my husband's back rubs
people who really get me and haven't given up on me
big what up to HP
being raw and exposed
chocolate
music all of it
not drinking today
a sponsor who is unconditional
growing up
fresh flowers
fresh veggies from my father in-laws garden (even though they may be chemical laden...mmmm, that's good 7 dust)
watermelon season
frozen lemonade
kids who make their own sandwiches and make an effort to clean up after themselves
fresh towels
my husband making me coffee every morning
little sandy feet
sister in-laws
ice tea with lemon (unsweetened of course)
amy winehouse
harry potter

peaks and valleys

that is what it is....up, down...road blocks, open wide spaces, big fields....god this process is unreal. i'm not complaining today..just stating that it is unpredictable right now. but i know it gets better. even in my own experiences i have seen and felt it get better.
truly am trying to accept time and patience. some days i am better at that than others. the past few days have been much better because i have accepted that all this 'crap' aka life, takes time to sort out. and it will always be that way, just because i am sober doesn't mean everything falls into place when i want it to, or how i want it to.
saturday i was lucky enough to have a really exceptional day. i had a blast with my kids, then a date with my husband and then watched his band play. i danced my butt off and drank ice tea all night. i was around a lot of people drinking and again, no desire to drink. i wasn't even bothered by the antics. in fact, some of it was funny. what i am loving about being sober is getting through the rough patches because it gives me more freedom. when i can walk through something that feels impossible, not drink, it shows me i am being taken care of by my hp and it allows me to be more 'me'.  more comfortable in my own skin. saturday really gave me that opportunity. it was the first time in a while i was comfortable with who i was at that moment...i never really know who i am...that is part of the process of peeling away the old...discovering something new.
as hard as some days are, as confusing as some moments can be, i truly am grateful to be sober. it is not easy. but it will become easier. i don't automatically think of a drink when anything happens. that is a great feeling.
i was so sad to hear about amy winehouse. i've been a fan since she came out with the frank album.  i get so heated reading headlines like 'why wasn't she saved' or 'could she have been saved'.....it's a loaded question. my hope is that her death will bring more of a spotlight on the disease of addiction. people just don't get it...it's not a lifestyle choice. it's not a matter of will power. it isn't a matter of choice UNTIL you get help, support and a structured program. now, i have a CHOICE if i drink or not.  but it also isn't that simple. if i don't take care of myself, my disease is sitting and waiting to pounce on me the instant my guard is down. addiction is so complicated yet not. who knows why amy didn't get sobriety or why sobriety didn't get her. we will never know, because her disease killed her. even if it is discovered she didn't die of an overdose, look at her body, mind and spirit. her death was surely caused or was a byproduct, if you will of addiction. if anything positive can come from her passing, i hope it is that people who aren't suffering from an addiction understand that this is a real disease and it is always, always a matter of life and death. that is not an exaggeration. you don't have to be famous, poor, rich, black, white, woman or man; this disease does not discriminate.

livid

fuck this and fuck that. i am absolutely furious. sick and tired. it is never enough. whether i was drunk or sober it is NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH. i'm supposed to sit here and 'let it go' and continue on with my program and let time work. FUCK YOU TIME. i keep taking responsibilty, when does the other half? why am i not allowed to talk about their drinking and how THAT is putting us on different levels and we aren't progressing. why am i supposed to sit there and speak kindly and compassionately and try and put myself in their shoes all the god damn time. i've reached my limit of doing the next right thing. i am boiling over the top with anger and resentment, where is the outlet for this shit. if someone tells me to let it go i will stab them with my toothbrush. some days i can give stuff up and other times i can't. i get it, growing learning all that shit. but i feel as if i am suffering, i am taking the blame for everything. every fucking little thing. i'm not there for my kids? seriously? i am sober god damn it. i am TRYING to take care of myself without numbing it. i am TRYING to do the right things yet to someone else it's not being there for my kids. or it's not paying enough attention to them? jesus h christ, i'm not a professional juggler. which is it? you, kids, me, drinking, what?? someone tell me what the fuck to do. if it is so bad and you don't like me drunk and you don't like me sober then go the fuck away. cause i can't live up to your expectations or anyone elses. jesus. do i sound off balance, spiritually void. damn straight i am. zapped of all that is good. zapped completely. how am i supposed to continue to take care of myself, work the program when the other person resents what i am doing and is controlling what i am being told because they don't think i can handle it. how can i learn to handle anything if i am not given the chance. i don't need protecting. i'm not ever going to be, nor was i ever, a stepford kind of wife and mother. i don't do PTA, or bake sales, i don't go around with a permagrin on my face, i'm not fucking fake, i have emotions and feelings and i am not going to pretend that i don't or hide them. i will not. i am seething rage right now. seething. it has always been when there is an issue in my marriage it is because of me. when i was drinking, you betcha i had a hell of a lot to do with those issues and i take accountability for those. but i am sober now and i am trying. does that count for anything? something? getting a laundry list of stuff your partner isn't happy about with you while you are sober, well...you might as well pour me a fat fucking glass of wine. cause ya pretty much just made me feel like i am no better than i was. do i feel his points are valid, nope. but it still hurts. somebody else needs to step up to the plate. i'm not taking on anymore shit. i can't. i am so done right now. fuck it all and the horse it rode in on. go find what you want, what you think constitutes your perfect partner and stop punishing me for being me.

suggestions

aaaah...some relief. mentally and emotionally that is; not from the heat!
it is pretty miraculous if you are willing and listen to suggestions and take them. by doing so, i am in the moment these days. certain aspects of my life are not perfect, nor will they ever be, but, i don't have to figure it out this second. i do not have to have the answer this instant. and for most people, we expect instant gratification. our society is based on that these days. how many new phones come out per month with faster this and that? when you are an alcoholic, or one in recovery as well, you want it when you want it and you want it yesterday. and it just can't be that way anymore. it just can't. that slowing down of the mind, body and spirit is what keeps me in the moment. of course i am not always that way, i am learning, but the more i learn the less i know. it is quite odd really. if i can remember all will be well if i just let it go, then it shall be just that. simple but i can make it so complicated. how? because my natural instinct is my will, not my higher power's will.  and to be honest, an alcoholic that is sober is in an unnatural state. that is my opinion and from what i have heard, others as well. 
so today i keep walking. today i will just be. and i am grateful to be a sober woman!!

quatro

made it another 24 hrs and received my 4 mth chip yesterday. it was really nice. seems like a really long four months but i suppose it is because in the back of my head i keep thinking i would have had 8mths in just a few days. but i have to let that go. 
feels like now, i'm actually moving forward as i have never gotten a 5mth chip. so that is cool. 
still out of sorts a bit. waves of brief sanity hit me and i ride it for as long as i can. remembering this is only temporary, this schedule change, then it will change again.
that is all really. not much for words today.

cyclone head

i want to pull my god damn hair out. i am not doing something right. i don't know what it is. and even if i am doing everything right, then what does my higher power have in store for me. today was the first time in almost 4 months i craved a drink. all i wanted was an ice cold filthy martini while sitting and watching the ocean. then i would have wanted another. and another.
it is summer, it is hot, it is deck sitting weather, beach weather, kids home all the time weather. any excuse in the book i could use to pick up, but i am choosing not too. i want too. or my disease wants me too. it is telling me that i don't have a disease and that i deserve to drink. it is a constant battle in my head right now. that is why i know i am off. my insides are like a see-saw. my head is a cyclone to do list with no ending. i need to mentally file things away but i can't seem to slow my head down enough to do so. yet, i know i have to do it. i have no motivation. i need help, i need to be centered, i am not spiritually feeling fit at all. what the fuck happened? is it all the lead up to the 'holiday' and the after affects? is it because i am around drinking most of the time and it doesn't bother me while it is happening but later it does? i don't know. i know nothing. i am irritated, anxious, and plain ol' pissy. bleck. i hope i can walk through this sooner than later. or however it is supposed to go. i do have faith. and i did the right things today so that i did not pick up that drink. so yay for me right? fuckin' head space.

the next step?

what an emotional hangover i have today. yowzahs.  i put way too many expectations on the 4th. in new england it is quite the big deal (ever hear of the mayflower?) and in my husband's family it is truly christmas in july. there are activities days before and after the 4th. family from far away comes to visit, there are parties, beach days etc. it is all very fun and i have done it sober before, but i was pregnant. way different. like seriously, it's okay to be a raving lunatic bitch when you are pregnant, not so much when you aren't. i owe my mama in-law an amends about baked beans.
there were a few days i bowed out of activities and honored my own feelings; feelings of not quite being comfortable with the atmosphere.  not even the drinking, but more energy/chaos wise. i have always been extremely sensitive with energies and being sober magnifies all of that by a gazillion. so i stayed back. no pity party, just taking care of myself.  truly guilt free.
the day of the 4th arrived and i'm not sure how or when but i think i just thought it would be like any other fourth of july. and it was. but i was sober.
we went to the parade (and damn, do i hate me a parade) but this parade is the oldest in the history of the united states, so it's kinda a big deal. so i thought why not be silly and crown myself miss 4th of july. yes, they have 'real' miss, mrs. and whatever else titles for the float with all the ladies in evening gowns and sashes sweating their butts off. i had a lovely tinsel crown and a sash. i had a bit of fun and was silly and surely enjoyed those moments as they came.  but then came the OH MY GOD what in the HELL am i doing here moments. i was really uncomfortable. many reasons and none of them worthy of worry or being uncomfortable, it just was.  i did leave and make a meeting, which is always so wonderful and safe. 
i know from listening, reading and the promises, that one day, in time, i will be able to do things without the fears and uncomfortableness; and i believe because so many others do.  i just set myself up, that's all. i didn't drink over it, didn't have a craving for a drink but my character defects were surely present. 
after this experience (which is a good sober reference and 'first'), i think it is time to start step 4.  i will speak with my sponsor, but we have been discussing getting started. i am afraid of step 4. it seems really raw. writing down your character defects. but i hear and read how freeing it does become. and it isn't like this will be the only time i do a step 4 either. so, yeah, i think i'm feeling ready to face those defects so that i am free from bondage of self.
also i'm going through a change. not THE change but a change. my husband is working on himself, which i am honestly happy for him to get to the core of who he is and what makes him happy, because i can not,  it must come from within. the kids are all home all day now too, so i must change up my meetings. let me tell you, this sober mama does not like change. meh! i love my routine, i'm safe, it is predictable, i have my friends, i'm more open....but, my sobriety comes first so i must do what a sober mama must do and that is try other meetings.  i'm sure i will see a lot of the same people, my 'worry' is, i won't be getting to meetings until night. oh gawd, how do i get through the entire day with my three crazy yet adorable kids without completely snapping or breaking down? i guess i have to use the tools that i have. the phone is going to be a must. i use it now, but i text more than i talk. baby steps. i will actually call someone. it just feels weird all over again, but fucking get over it. i mean really, it is a phone call. yeah, so anyway, just a transitional period even though i feel like a glacier just shifted and the world is tipped, i'm certain all will be okay. my higher power is radtastic and even though i don't always like what 'it' decides for me, it works. so give it up and lock it up.