spreadin the mess

i am so tired. mentally and physically. 
i have cervical cancer. yep, you read that right.  i can't give you an exact stage. i was hesitantly given one but the doctors said they really won't know until my surgery march first. they will be going in very aggressively and taking out most of cervix. what i can tell you they could see it was cancer from the colposcopy results.
i have been very positive about all of this as i believe mind, spirit and body are all connected and i want to be sure to keep balanced. right now i am at the top of the see-saw and the bolder is at the bottom and i'm stuck and can't move.
i am basically raising my three kids alone. yes, the husband sees them and takes them one night over the weekend, but i am basically doing it all. so much has happened since i last wrote, and i wish i could write that it is all wonderful and positive. the shit fairy has stopped at my house and hasn't left. 
i feel like part of my soul is gone. i am actually starting to feel physical pain from the cancer which i didn't expect. i don't know why, i just didn't. over tired, stressed, run down, emotionally drained, and am wishing upon a star my mom was here.
i wish she could come up and stay with me. rub my ear, tell me it will all be okay. help me with the kids, take me to my surgery, and just well....take care of me. but she is no longer on this earth, so i hope for her spiritual guidance through all of this.
i am finding great inner strength that i didn't have which does feel really great. but the burden of life has me hunched over and sore. my heart, my soul, my head, my body are all sore. i cry so much i can't believe i haven't lost a tear duct in the process, or that i can even produce more tears. 
i will make it through the best way i can. i have amazing friends that support me, love me and keep me going. i need to focus on what i have and not on what a don't have, which is the person i have been with for 15 years. he is no longer the man i married and it has nothing to do with 'just growing' apart.  much more complicated and layered.
i will find some hope today. i will stay on my path, that has become the high road. i will continue to do the next right thing. i will continue to be in constant contact with my HP. i will continue to forgive myself. i will pray for others. i will do the best i can. i ask anyone that reads this to please send healing and loving vibes our way; especially to my children who are really the ones getting screwed here. xo