dec 8th & 9th i chose to pick up and drink. i had an absolute bullet proof excuse. except for the fact there are people with MANY 24hrs...and they have some serious tragic thing happen in their life and STILL did not pick up a drink. For those of you who are not alcoholics, but sometimes may have a cold beer after mowing the grass or a glass of Cabernet while cooking; could even you not drink if someone died, was going through cancer, lost a child? i do not and can not have that luxury of being able to have that first sip. i am a drunk.
funny thing about my program; you screw up and IF you make it back, generally you are received with open arms and encouraging words. Then there are those salty dogs that have taken a liking to you and hand your ass right back, ripped to shreds. You love them the way they love you, and if it were anyone else in the program; out would come a symphony of tears. I had both.
yeah, i am mad. but more sad. the first time i went it out, it was a genuine text book version of how someone may pick up a drink (or 1,000) and not even realizing they are doing it. i drank because i did not come into the program because i thought drinking wasn't fun. oh hell no, i came in because i knew i had a problem, but waking up feeling like car oil is in your veins, the vice grip on your head is at its last twist, and sound and movement make you queasy was a still fun (sarcasm) only, until you pick up the drink and it goes away and the evil momentum takes off again and again.
this time i loudly and clearly defended my right to drink. yep, called people just so i could say nope, not listening. who in the hell does that? i sat in the parking lot for 30 minutes people watching, trying do decide if i wanted to be one of 'those' people. then i went in and bottle sat for a good 20 minutes in the bag on my counter. then the brim was full of chemical smelling red liquid. another 10 minutes go by. burn, down it goes. you slam the rest otherwise you won't be able to drink it, but damn it you are defending your right to drink and not feel, go numb, foggy.
i heard two women around my age speak tonight about something they make have turned another cog in my recovery. they said ' i'm an alcoholic. when i first came in, i really thought when they said the craving and obsession go away, they mean forever.' and i identify with that. first was fun, second to purposely numb my insides. and my insides look like those broken shells people buy and put into glass lamps (which btw, is like so mid-80s, put them away). they all, at one time housed a living creature. now they are left in a big glass holding tank where they are the living creature inside a shell. that shell being me of course.those shells will never do anything else. they are useless, broken, jagged and lost all their color. it's time to throw them away and fill this glass holding tank with something serene, flowing; a never ending ebb and flow of some vibrant life.
i don't know how i am going to do this. i feel like the first time i walked in the halls. said i would not get another token of time, and people would not leave me alone about it. i didn't want another one. lord, i could hold a poker tourney. yet i got one today. my bestie in the program purposely did chips, so i had to go up there. otherwise that would have prodded more attention on me. i don't want recognition like that. i just want to stay stopped.
it is unnatural to be sober for me. how i redirect my thinking so that alcohol isn't an option is terrifying. just for today. keep it in the day. 24hrs. sometimes it is hour to hour. i would love to say, yeah it is that simple and anyone can do it, but for me, right now it isn't that simple. i won't give up no matter how exhausting it is to get to the place where it is simple. but i am tired.