Wednesday, April 27, 2011


man do i feel like a flippin' two year old today. temper tantrum city. ick!! i wanna kick and scream and yell ' leave me the hell alone'!! i don't want drama. i don't want to feel like i'm being manipulated and i certainly don't want to deal with any of this bullshit.
you know, someone dies; it's hard, devastating, you name it. but it does not ever stop there. always something or someone pops up out of hole like an obnoxious gopher eating your newly planted garden of peace and acceptance. can't i just get through one freaking thing before another starts? life on life's terms...blah blah blah. yeah well life you can suck it. oh i'm grateful and i have a grateful heart, but i don't have time for bullshit, hearsay, drama and the like. nope. no fucking time. but look at me, stewing over it. let it go. let it go. i'd really like to, and hopefully i will, but right now it's sitting on me like a dirty diaper; heavy and stinky.
fucking people and personalities. fucking people not doing the right thing. fucking people putting me in a position of having to do the right thing (which is what i practice, but i don't like being forced) when no one else IS doing the right thing. waaaa waaaa..see what i mean, temper tantrum. my will and my resistance is at a high right now. i'm off the beam with my spirituality big time. at least i recognize (pop pop).  need to get down on my knees and pray a little bit harder, a little bit longer and be okay with the outcome. i can't control other people's personalities and their choices but i can let my higher power take care of mine. just haven't asked i guess. lazy. and i feel like being a brat. but again, my will, not my HPs.
do me a favor people, if you are ever in a situation where there is a death, a Will, other deceased relatives belongings in the mix, do the right thing. stop and think. if it isn't yours, if you didn't acquire it with the person that just passed, give those things to the right people. it has nothing do with money but everything to do with memories.
back on the ol' knees. knee pads for a bday gift would be greatly appreciated.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

to be sad without other attached feelings.....

not long after i posted on the 18th, did i learn of my father's passing.
i found out in the most unsavory way; via facebook.  i had somehow been forgotten. no one called until hours after he passed nor was i notified of when he was taken of life support 5 hours prior to his death.  i truly freaked out, acted out and was down right furious. i haven't felt anger like that in years. i was throwing things across rooms, screaming and yelling, swearing and crying. i literally fell to the ground in a heap of soggy bones. i knew in my heart he wasn't going to recover, but once again, i felt forgotten, abandoned, dis-counted. damn, my whole life i had felt that way and once again i was living it.
that raw, gutted, open sore was re-opened once again. it barely had a slight scab over it and now it was re injured. i must admit, i did not present my best self when calling the icu and asking on the status of my father when the nurse told me i was indeed not the next of kin, nor did i present my best self when the bearer of grim news called. i did however call that bearer of news back and apologize. i made a silent amends to the icu nurse who got herself a new asshole. what can i say? changing behaviors is difficult and not reacting is well...a challenge. i had already not reacted while i was down many situations, how adult like did i have to be in this situation? who really could have not gone ape shit after hearing about their parents death via facebook? i forgive myself because i think my reaction was pretty normal.
the service is saturday and i am not making the trek down there again. the decision was a struggle but i really needed search and figure out why i would be going as i had already gone down, made my peace and felt he knew it too. would i be going out of guilt? would i be going because i was afraid of what other people would think if his only child was not there? would i not be going down out of fear? so many questions to answer with very limited time. i received my answer during a meeting.  again, this program blows me away. i truly wish people who weren't alcoholics took or could take advantage of the program. it is teaching me how to live. to do the next right thing. to accept the unacceptable. to let go of control. to know what it feels like to grow as a human being and grow into the person i've always wanted to be. i am so grateful.
while i will not be at the service, i distinctly remember my father's words 'funerals are for the living. i want a jazz band and an open bar'.  i would reply 'you can have the band, but not the bar'. his wife is fulfilling his wish of the jazz band. and she too said no to the open bar. the service will be big and for those lives he touched in a positive way, will be there to pay their respects and give some love to his wife.
honestly, it doesn't matter if i'm there or not. his soul knows where i was when it counted most; by his bed, holding his hand and opening my heart to him.  do i have regrets not doing it sooner? no. he was still who he was, and did what he did. but i cleaned up my side of the street and forgave him for his side. how would it have gone if i had done it while he was alive and healthy? i will never know. sometimes, we just have to accept the way life plays out on life's terms.
i have not had a drink. i don't plan on having a drink.
i do hope my father has a peaceful afterlife whatever he believed (it changed often).  i hope he has an open heart, open mind and gives my mom the biggest hug and sloppiest kiss ever recorded. that brings me peace and comfort; they are back together.

Monday, April 18, 2011

making peace

made the trip to florida. i was a numb hurricane. the factors that surrounded my trip were overwhelming at best. my two best friends were with me, which helped with my overall comfort level. unconditional support and they have known my story for quite some time.
seeing my father for the first time, didn't create the reaction i would have thought; i think i was mentally prepared for the visual. i spoke to him and held his hand.  i would feel little twitches, whether they were responsive or reflexive who knows. i left for a bit then came back for a night visit. that visit was much harder. my heart was open more and when i looked at him, he wasn't the man i called by his first name, he was my father. he was my father laying there with severe brain trauma, broken clavicle, arm, sternum, hip, fingers, face disfigurement, staples in his head where a portion of his skull had been removed and a tracheotomy. i spoke to him some more. i said things i didn't know i could say. i said things i didn't think i was ready to say. but i faced my fears and the compassion flowed through me and into him.
the next morning i went to see him but i was struggling with whether i should stay or not. what was my purpose for going to see him? did i accomplish that? would i be staying for me, or staying out of guilt. the tsunami of emotions started to crest and i felt like i was drowning all over again. after talking to many people, i believed after i saw him i would know the right thing to do.  i went in to see him, and talk to him again. this time i broke down and sobbed. no matter the horror of our relationship or lack there of, there he lay lifeless and the words of forgiveness, and letting him go came to me and slid off my tongue into the universe. i said my goodbyes.
i was able to have a heart to heart with his wife afterward and tell her i was leaving that i had come to do what i needed to do for me and for him.  she still has hope he will recover; i do not. his injuries are so horrible, i don't want him to survive and have a grim quality of life. his love of playing the piano will be gone. if he were to live and couldn't play the piano he rather be dead.  this i know to be true.
i hope his wife in time, a shorter, rather than longer amount of time, will be able to make a decision with regards to life support. it would be better though if he had no brain function and the doctors could make that decision for her so she could be free from guilt. he has only one remaining brain function at this time and the likelihood of any functions coming back are very slim, but she is not ready to hear that just yet. and that's okay. 
i have peace with him. i let my anger and resentment go toward him. it is truly unfortunate it was done under these circumstances, but i had the gift of time to go down and do so and for that i'm grateful and will not have regrets.
my higher power, the program and my friends carried me through one of the scariest times of my life. i am proud of my behavior, i am proud of the decisions i made and i am proud i did not pick up a drink.
the promises say, we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us...that is so true.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

testing testing

i sit here with 3 hours of sleep out of 48. my father with whom i am estranged, was involved in a very serious head on collision monday morning. he injuries are numerous and some are very severe. there is no way of knowing at this point if he will survive. it is a waiting game.
i have decided to go and take the trip and see him. he is in a coma. i am no where near my making amends step, and to be quite honest i don't know if i would make an amends. there are several ways to do it. but anyway, i am going. going to make peace with him whether he lives or dies. i'm not swooping in like the long lost daughter, quite frankly i feel like a stranger. the plethora of emotions are drowning me. my brain is short circuiting.
today was a hurricane. everything depended upon something. no plans could be made. had to wait for this phone call. all the while knowing in my heart i have to go down there because it is the next right thing to do. i know my mother would want me there. and i do need to be there. my motivation is out of love. it isn't a kissy kissy reunion, it is a forgiveness moment in time. do i feel ready to forgive him? do i feel ready to forgive myself? no. no i don't. but i do know that this is a gift from my HP and i must be grateful and do my HPs will, whether it is something i don't think i'm ready for. i have learned my HP knows what is best for me and others. so while i can't sleep, my head hurts, my eyes burn, my mouth is dry and stomach nauseous....i will get back on my knees and pray.
i did not drink today. my hope is i don't drink tomorrow. my wish is not to feel a thing as this is all too familiar. but my wish is not my HPs will. i have faith that this untimely journey will make me a stronger person. i really don't want to be any stronger. i feel i have faced enough tragedy and trauma, but apparently i look like a good punching bag to someone. so i'll take this hit for my mom, for my dad and for myself. i am scared to death. i miss my mom so much right now i literally feel sick.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

another 30

yesterday was my second time around with 30 days. so very different this time. i barely remembered because i'm not 'white knuckling' it anymore. meaning, i don't have the craving or desire to drink. it's about me LIVING SOBER.  it isn't about putting the drink down (at least for now cause the disease is cunning, baffling and insidious) but how to let things go. so i wasn't looking at the calendar everyday going 'okay, i got through today without a drink' because i know from my relapse i don't need the drink. the fun is gone. and if i'm lucky, maybe that experience has taken the compulsion and obsession away. i don't know yet. i don't know much of anything accept that this program blows my fucking mind sometimes!!
last week i was struggling, but i knew to walk through it and i did. i knew not to question it too much because sometimes you just don't know until you know. it all culminated with an amazing conversation with my sponsor who said 'ok, you are ready to start your steps'.  some people do there steps right away, some wait, it all depends, there are no rules and it's up to you and your sponsor to decide. well, really your HP. anyway, after this talk with my sponsor i felt an enormous relief. i had gone to a big book study where we talked about chapter 5 'how this all works'...the speaker was amazing and really explained things so well and it clicked. you only hear the message when you are ready and teachable. and i guess i was that day.  long story short i ended up doing my 3rd step unknowingly after that meeting. the 3rd step is completely giving your will to your higher power.  i had given some of my will away, but i'm sure you can imagine how hard it is to give your will away when all we are taught is self will, self control etc. seems counter intuitive. but i realized that my life was unmanageable sober, not just drunk. i couldn't/can't even manage my life sober. and that is because i try to resist. it is human nature. so out of nowhere, i was praying for a friend and i had  like the out of body experience where i asked my higher power to take control. take it all. i gave it away. i may not like how things are being managed, but i know that my HP knows what is best for me and for others. so of course it takes practice, it's not like i've been hit with a thunderbolt and i'm all roses. BUT, i know my HP has my back. and when i start to resist what is going on i will keep walking through, i know what to do. let me tell you it is freeing. i don't have to be in control anymore. and let's face it, most of us, especially an alcoholic or addict are control freaks. but i have the CHOICE and knowledge now to know that i don't HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL. that doesn't give a free license to be an asshole. i'm assuming my readers have some brain cells and understand that. so hear is another miracle...and yes, i truly believe me hearing the message when i did and doing what i did was a miracle. i went to a step meeting that night and it was all about the 3rd step. i picked up my son the next day from preschool which i don't usually do and the director who i never see asks about my daughter. i just opened right up to her about some issues we were having etc. she told me they just compiled a new list of resources for families, so if i don't get the answers or services i need from my daughter's school, she will give me the list. now here is where i see the miracle. i don't go to pick up my son, i never see the director and if i hadn't been going to meetings for 6 months i would have NEVER EVER opened up about what was happening in my life. i say that because i share in almost every meeting i attend. it helps me practice speaking about my feelings, learning to trust, being honest with myself and most importantly asking for help when i need it. and that is exactly what i did with the director. some people may read this and say oh, coincidence, but i don't believe that at all. there are no coincidences when you are open minded, teachable and ready to hear. so all and all, i'm feeling really great with my progress. sure, i wish i was coming up on my 6mths instead of just a month, but i will try and let that go today. really, it is just one day at a time. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
i love AA. i love the unconditional support, love, understanding that you get when you walk into those halls. you can't get it anywhere else. our stories may be different, but our common denominator is that we are alcoholics. i have had people literally just look at me before i spoke and said 'you aren't doing well, what's up'? i'm always amazed because they are right. yet, i can do the same thing to someone just know. i can honestly say i am grateful to be an alcoholic. i truly am. i know what my problem(s) are/is and i am learning the tools through this program to live a happy, honest, joyous and free life. one day, i will be able to forgive myself for past behaviors (not condone, but forgive), i will be able to forgive those that have harmed me, i will be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what i see and actually love what i see. i will one day have that self esteem that i have yearned for, craved for my whole life. i will be able to feel like i am worth SOMETHING that all those past words don't count, matter and aren't fact. but only I CAN DO IT...people can say it to me a hundred times, but unless i believe it deep down inside, it doesn't matter. i'm slowly building a spine, filling my insides with spirituality and love... it's a journey. it's an amazing journey full of pitfalls, boulders, rainbows, fireworks, tears, and growth. i am grateful for this journey and that it is a life long journey.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

let it ride

man do i wish i had some happy shnappy shit to write. but i don't. it's not like rusty knife horrible but it's the roller coaster. hate this fucking thing.  i need tear duct replacements from crying so much. some crying for no reason, some crying from triggers. you just never know. and the guilt. god the guilt is the hardest. i feel so badly for my husband. i have to take care of myself right now and this first year is especially selfish, and it's so unfair to him. and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. guilt doesn't help it either. just have to let it go. the hardest part about this program is you don't know what you know until you have gone through it. by turning my will over to my HP, i have no control. nada. and i have to be cool with that. i'm working on it. i don't much in my head it's like a hamster on a wheel right now. but no desire to drink so that is always a plus.  i just keep praying for acceptance, willingness and guidance cause i am a lost soul.