anyone that knows me, knows i love, breathe and worship music. this is what is on my mind today...the first link is ray lamonagne and these two songs that he plays feels like my breath.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAsmvFjqVwo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijAai55TbfI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0put0_a--Ng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5RuGj0g1tk
http://youtu.be/lqSKVv6YO8g
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
PSA: READ CAREFULLY
here's what i think. i think if you are a woman, and you are in recovery for an addiction issue that you should be spared PMS. i mean, seriously it's a double whammy. you are already a freaking mess and then once a month you are a naturally a raving, homicidal maniac (ok, i am) and you must deal with that nonsensical unreality or reality. good god. PMS for me is just ridiculous. it's better now that i'm not drinking (i.e. less urges to actually throttle random strangers, poison my family, kick babies) but the waterworks make the hoover dam look like a pond. my poor kids think all i do is sleep and cry. they are gonna grow up with a sober mom but think she was the laziest and saddest woman on the planet. poor kids can't catch a break.
so i'm sober, i'm pmsing, clearly i need chocolate. always had a sweet tooth but now i'm on the hunt constantly to satisfy that craving. here i am at super wal-mart (as i've stated before, it's not that super) and there is so much stimulation, people watching, trying to find what you are looking for because it's been moved twice in one week, they have sample product placements in the middle of the smallest isles and off goes my cell phone. it's my sponsor. okay, so i know i can't drive and talk on the phone. i just don't do it. i forget i am driving a piece of machinery. i'll start digging in my purse while chatting, swatting at kids so they'll pipe down; bottom line, it's a no go. yeah well can't shop and talk either. learned that lesson the hard way.
chatty kathy here on the phone with my sponsor in super wal-mart, looking for things, bumping into displays, sobbing and i get to the coffee/tea isle. we needed coffee, grabbed that. and i wanted more herbal tea. i drink a lot of mint tea but low and behold i see the word CHOCOLATE on a box of tea. it danced and sparkled in my eyes; i must have this, i thought! a way to curb my sweet tooth without all the sugar and calories. throw it onto the heaping cart that i am unable to push with one arm (no i didn't lose it, i was still on the phone). so fast forward a day or so.
having a sweet craving so i bust out the tea. now, i always, always put two tea bags in one cup. cause hey, one is never enough for this addict. make myself a cup of chocolate tea (2bags)...not bad. slightly nutty, nice cocoa flavor, okay i'll have 7 more cups (2bags each) throughout the day. whatever, it's tea.
wake up the next morning in excruciating pain. i'm dying. my appendix needs to be removed. i'm in labor. i have food poisoning. i don't know, but my HP pulled my number and this is the end for me. next thing i know i'm doing the 50 yard dash to the bathroom.....for the next oh, 12 hours. whilst running to the bathroom and losing various internal organs to the sewer system, i continue to drink more tea..gotta stay hydrated! i don't know, something made me actually LOOK at the box the next time i went to make tea. uh yeah...it said:
Chocoalte
Smooth Move
stimulant herbal laxative
they had me at FREAKING chocolate and i never read the rest of the bold capital letters. not sure hellen keller would have missed that.
see none of this would have happened if a) i wasn't pmsing b) i wasn't in recovery and c) if i could talk and shop at the same time. yes, i am projecting all of this on non tangible situations because i am an idiot. i am now on a waiting list for a sphincter transplant. like i've said in another place, tmi? i think not. it's a public service announcement. ALWAYS STOP AND READ THE LABELS VERY CAREFULLY!
so i'm sober, i'm pmsing, clearly i need chocolate. always had a sweet tooth but now i'm on the hunt constantly to satisfy that craving. here i am at super wal-mart (as i've stated before, it's not that super) and there is so much stimulation, people watching, trying to find what you are looking for because it's been moved twice in one week, they have sample product placements in the middle of the smallest isles and off goes my cell phone. it's my sponsor. okay, so i know i can't drive and talk on the phone. i just don't do it. i forget i am driving a piece of machinery. i'll start digging in my purse while chatting, swatting at kids so they'll pipe down; bottom line, it's a no go. yeah well can't shop and talk either. learned that lesson the hard way.
chatty kathy here on the phone with my sponsor in super wal-mart, looking for things, bumping into displays, sobbing and i get to the coffee/tea isle. we needed coffee, grabbed that. and i wanted more herbal tea. i drink a lot of mint tea but low and behold i see the word CHOCOLATE on a box of tea. it danced and sparkled in my eyes; i must have this, i thought! a way to curb my sweet tooth without all the sugar and calories. throw it onto the heaping cart that i am unable to push with one arm (no i didn't lose it, i was still on the phone). so fast forward a day or so.
having a sweet craving so i bust out the tea. now, i always, always put two tea bags in one cup. cause hey, one is never enough for this addict. make myself a cup of chocolate tea (2bags)...not bad. slightly nutty, nice cocoa flavor, okay i'll have 7 more cups (2bags each) throughout the day. whatever, it's tea.
wake up the next morning in excruciating pain. i'm dying. my appendix needs to be removed. i'm in labor. i have food poisoning. i don't know, but my HP pulled my number and this is the end for me. next thing i know i'm doing the 50 yard dash to the bathroom.....for the next oh, 12 hours. whilst running to the bathroom and losing various internal organs to the sewer system, i continue to drink more tea..gotta stay hydrated! i don't know, something made me actually LOOK at the box the next time i went to make tea. uh yeah...it said:
Chocoalte
Smooth Move
stimulant herbal laxative
they had me at FREAKING chocolate and i never read the rest of the bold capital letters. not sure hellen keller would have missed that.
see none of this would have happened if a) i wasn't pmsing b) i wasn't in recovery and c) if i could talk and shop at the same time. yes, i am projecting all of this on non tangible situations because i am an idiot. i am now on a waiting list for a sphincter transplant. like i've said in another place, tmi? i think not. it's a public service announcement. ALWAYS STOP AND READ THE LABELS VERY CAREFULLY!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
friends...the other white meat
i woke up this morning to a lovely email from a childhood friend. i teared up as i read their words. they were touching but more importantly that validated a period of time that i thought was invisible to others. we are the same age and yet, they knew something, felt something was not quite right. their words were like a heaping bowl of mashed potatoes; complete comfort.
i had a lovely visit with one of my best friends up here in RI. they have been incredibly supportive since the day i told them that i was an alcoholic. i don't know. it's so strange sometimes because words can hurt or they can heal. lucky for me today, they were all healing. i was teachable today. i realized that my normal isn't normal. sure, that could go for most people too. really, really hearing what i said out loud kind of made me take a step back and think, this is not right. i have to redirect my thinking. that's what i try to do everyday and god damn, it is exhausting. it is a rebirth. i know i'm repetitive in a lot of my blogs but that's how it goes folks. i heard repetitive garbage for so long, i need to hear repetitive positivity and love to take it one day at a time (cue schnieder and his wicked cool tool belt...)....i am so grateful for a wonderful, calm, peaceful, loving day with laughs. thanks my friends, you are priceless. xoxo
i had a lovely visit with one of my best friends up here in RI. they have been incredibly supportive since the day i told them that i was an alcoholic. i don't know. it's so strange sometimes because words can hurt or they can heal. lucky for me today, they were all healing. i was teachable today. i realized that my normal isn't normal. sure, that could go for most people too. really, really hearing what i said out loud kind of made me take a step back and think, this is not right. i have to redirect my thinking. that's what i try to do everyday and god damn, it is exhausting. it is a rebirth. i know i'm repetitive in a lot of my blogs but that's how it goes folks. i heard repetitive garbage for so long, i need to hear repetitive positivity and love to take it one day at a time (cue schnieder and his wicked cool tool belt...)....i am so grateful for a wonderful, calm, peaceful, loving day with laughs. thanks my friends, you are priceless. xoxo
Monday, February 21, 2011
white knuckling today
it is mentally exhausting changing. it's like constantly running...like forrest gump or one of those people that walks/runs across the US to bring awareness to a cause, yet i can't stop running. if i stop, i'm done. a slow jog would be great right about now, but i suppose my HP has other plans for me. not particularly fond of the other plans and quite frankly i'm holding a bit of a resentment towards my HP, but in time, it will be revealed why i have to go through what i am going through.
being uncomfortable with being uncomfortable is one of the most powerful struggles i have gone through to date during sobriety. how do you handle that? you have to live it, accept it, feel it and sit with it until it goes away. being present, i suppose. i rather be present when everything is pleasant, but that isn't life. when did i lose the ability to deal with life in a healthy way? did i ever have the capability to do so? i can't answer that. all i know is that the sun rises and the sun sets; everything else is a mystery.
i am still a mom, i am still a wife and i'm still 'me'. but i don't know who the fuck i am. i truly have no idea. some days i think i do, and come to find out, i don't. all i know is i'm a recovering alcoholic. that doesn't necessarily define me, but it does put some sort of identification to the personality. getting sober with kids and a man you have been with for 14 yrs is hard. it is excruciating at times. putting yourself first so that you can be the mom and the wife is not an easy task. it goes against my nature and probably a lot of other womens nature as well. we are caretakers. we give ourselves away (or at least i do) to others first and then we are the afterthought. i guess i should speak for myself. that's how i feel and that is how i've always operated. i have 36 years of thinking to undo. i can turn any situation into my fault. why? that's all i know. some days i feel like i just came out of a coma and i am re-learning every single thing about being alive. no joke. trying to remember to eat, trying to think things through, trying to take care of my basic needs in general and then add the family to that and it's overwhelming at best. god knows i'm not the only woman in recovery going through this. i do know that. and today when i lost my shit and started blubbering in my meeting and ran to the bathroom, three women immediately came in to comfort me. i've had texts all day from friends in the fellowship and phone calls making sure i am alright. today is '5 minutes at a time' kind of day. i am hanging by a thread and ready to fall into the abyss.. but i have to remember that i have a ladder of people to keep me up. even though i don't care right now, they do. how is that? it's amazing. i just don't know.
i just have to get through today. i just can't have a drink today. i have to feel the uncomfortableness today. i do. no one ever died of being uncomfortable..just like no one ever got pulled over for fat driving (would love to take credit for that one, but it's in an AA book). 5 minutes at a time. that is all i am capable of today and i have to have to have to accept that. i can NOT do it all and do it all the time. i can't. and no expects that of me other than me. character defect 101.
being uncomfortable with being uncomfortable is one of the most powerful struggles i have gone through to date during sobriety. how do you handle that? you have to live it, accept it, feel it and sit with it until it goes away. being present, i suppose. i rather be present when everything is pleasant, but that isn't life. when did i lose the ability to deal with life in a healthy way? did i ever have the capability to do so? i can't answer that. all i know is that the sun rises and the sun sets; everything else is a mystery.
i am still a mom, i am still a wife and i'm still 'me'. but i don't know who the fuck i am. i truly have no idea. some days i think i do, and come to find out, i don't. all i know is i'm a recovering alcoholic. that doesn't necessarily define me, but it does put some sort of identification to the personality. getting sober with kids and a man you have been with for 14 yrs is hard. it is excruciating at times. putting yourself first so that you can be the mom and the wife is not an easy task. it goes against my nature and probably a lot of other womens nature as well. we are caretakers. we give ourselves away (or at least i do) to others first and then we are the afterthought. i guess i should speak for myself. that's how i feel and that is how i've always operated. i have 36 years of thinking to undo. i can turn any situation into my fault. why? that's all i know. some days i feel like i just came out of a coma and i am re-learning every single thing about being alive. no joke. trying to remember to eat, trying to think things through, trying to take care of my basic needs in general and then add the family to that and it's overwhelming at best. god knows i'm not the only woman in recovery going through this. i do know that. and today when i lost my shit and started blubbering in my meeting and ran to the bathroom, three women immediately came in to comfort me. i've had texts all day from friends in the fellowship and phone calls making sure i am alright. today is '5 minutes at a time' kind of day. i am hanging by a thread and ready to fall into the abyss.. but i have to remember that i have a ladder of people to keep me up. even though i don't care right now, they do. how is that? it's amazing. i just don't know.
i just have to get through today. i just can't have a drink today. i have to feel the uncomfortableness today. i do. no one ever died of being uncomfortable..just like no one ever got pulled over for fat driving (would love to take credit for that one, but it's in an AA book). 5 minutes at a time. that is all i am capable of today and i have to have to have to accept that. i can NOT do it all and do it all the time. i can't. and no expects that of me other than me. character defect 101.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
frizzle fry (and no i'm not talkin' less claypool)
from friday to today has been a hurricane in my head. i don't even have the energy to write about it now.
my emotional state can go from almost picking up, to a beautiful evening w/ my son, to a massive break down that almost had me pick up again. this disease really sucks. actually there isn't even a phrase in circulation that can describe what this disease is and does. since friday the healthy part of my brain has been boxing the sick part of my brain. no refs, hitting below the belt, ear biting; but no knock outs.
i gotta hang on and not give up before the miracle. i know this to be true as i experienced it on friday.
higher power, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!!!
my emotional state can go from almost picking up, to a beautiful evening w/ my son, to a massive break down that almost had me pick up again. this disease really sucks. actually there isn't even a phrase in circulation that can describe what this disease is and does. since friday the healthy part of my brain has been boxing the sick part of my brain. no refs, hitting below the belt, ear biting; but no knock outs.
i gotta hang on and not give up before the miracle. i know this to be true as i experienced it on friday.
higher power, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
fuck you and your facade
hey don't circumvent your issue with someone. just tell them. it's so childish and drives me to eat chocolate. you go to a meeting to share. get your shit out. supposedly without judgment. but hey, we're human. but when you speak your mind about 'you' and someone later circumvents comments about what you said and doesn't think it was appropriate for the meeting i wanna go and tell them to screw. i'm not there for them. i'm there to keep my ass and the rest of ME sober. if what i say is uncomfortable, unfortunately, it really isn't my problem. just like the other night i was uncomfortable with the way i felt at a meeting and left. just with any other organized group of people, you are bound to find some that are know it alls and think this and that should be kept to a different place and time. to me that's bullshit. do you know how much i've learned and learned about myself because someone was brave enough to speak about what was going on with them, or about their past, whether it was pleasant or not? fuck that man. i've got a serious attitude today with that. i am who i am. i'm not fake, never have been, even drinking i wasn't fake. i'll tell you how it goes, hopefully with some humor. but i'm not going to tell you my life is perfect, my kids are always awesome, they are dressed like little angels and behave, that my marriage is perfect and that i've got god damn blue birds zippidy doo daaain' all over the place all the time. life is if life. and i don't trust a person who puts on an act that they can do it all, that they don't have any issues or life is always just a bowl full of mother fucking cherries. kiss my grits with that shit. facades will bring you down faster than a whores underpants in a gang bang. sorry, that was really tasteless, but that's me. as i type this, i'm yelling at the kids cause they can suck it right now. they fight non stop these days (winter will do that), i have showered and put on real clothes and done some errands. we aren't eating some elaborate meal and the kids may not have a vegetable tonight. so sue me. but i'll tell you what, if that makes me a bad person then i'm bad. i think it makes me true to who i am. so if i throw out some serious matzoh balls at a meeting and it makes someone go, oh, wow....then deal with it. i don't give a fuck. my sobriety comes first. my gloves are on and i will fight to stay sober and if you get in my way i will take you down. it's a horrible attitude to have today and i'm sure tomorrow i will be writing about how i should be more kind etc. but right now, these are my true feelings. so fuck you if you don't like my shit. fuck you if you don't want to hear what i go through, what i've been through. fuck you for not having some common sense and keeping your reprimands to yourself. i'm not your child. and believe you me, i'll have something to say at a later date about how this post was really nasty etc. but i'm okay with that.
Monday, February 14, 2011
to resent a feeling is to let go of a feeling....
a bit of resentment last night. it's okay, i'm human and imperfect and it happens. luckily, it happens less often now due to the fact i'm not under the influence of alcohol. and i should specify, that being under the influence of alcohol doesn't necessarily mean drunk, it means, because of the all the alcohol use, i was under the 'influence' of alcohol because of what it does to your brain function, central nervous system and overall mental health. anyway, i'm human; that much is clear.
i went to a meeting last night. one of my regular ones i go to and enjoy very much. it is for the 'beginner', but anyone can come and there are times when people who have a gazillion years of sobriety come just so that they are reminded of what it's like to start off in sobriety. a refresher course if you will. the person that was chairing had a wonderful story and very inspirational to me. a young fellah, who got sober at the age of 16!!! can you imagine that? and he is in his early 20s now. i really was in awe of him and although he didn't get sober by choice, he did it and has STAYED sober. that is what is so amazing to me and such a gift. he wasn't my resentment by the way.
during a beginners meeting, or at least the one i attend, we read a chapter out of one of our books, listen to the chair person then anyone who wants to share according to their length of sobriety can share. after reading, and listening to the chair person the meeting was opened up to one day to one month of sobriety. a woman spoke, all was fine. then a gentleman started to speak. here is where it gets me heated (and i should preface this by saying, it is MY issue, NOT his). he spoke of how he came to a meeting last week under the influence of alcohol (for those of you that don't know, there is no rule that says you can't do that, AA is there for those who desire to stop drinking; you do not necessarily have to be sober) and as he was talking i could just tell something wasn't right with him then either. now, i'm not judging and this is where it may seem like i am or being hypocritical or just a plain ol' bitch.... but as he is speaking, nothing he said was making sense, he almost fell out of his chair and a cough syrup bottle fell out of his pocket and rolled under his chair. he quickly picked it up and put it back...meanwhile he is speaking as if he hasn't had a drink since the end of last week. this is what is so horrible about this disease, you go back to your old ways faster than you can say rabbits in a pea patch, and you aren't fooling anyone. you lie and pretend. i was absolutely horrified and uncomfortable that i got up and left. and when i left, i felt a huge resentment towards that person for 'chasing' me out of my meeting. so here's the thing, for me, at this point in time, AA is a safe place for me to go. i don't want to see some one under the influence, if i did, i'd go and pull a bar stool up at one of my old favorites. but you see, he has EVERY RIGHT as i have EVERY RIGHT to be at that meeting because it is about the desire to stop drinking. and he does have the desire, he keeps coming, whether he is sober or not, he shows up. how can i resent that? after much thought, i realized it wasn't him that i resented it was the feeling of uncomfortableness that i resented and that i couldn't handle it and left. i am no better than he is, and although today i don't have any plans to pick up a drink, who's to say i won't at some point today or tomorrow for that matter? i have to keep doing what i'm doing.
i had to honor my feelings and leave. i hope there will be a time in my sobriety when that type of situation won't make me uncomfortable and i can stay. there certainly was a lesson to be learned. as a side note, this isn't the first time that i had been in a situation where there was someone under the influence at a meeting. it has 'happened to me' (meaning i was at the same place at the same time as this other person) several times before at a particular meeting i go to, and this person will say they haven't had a drink but are still 'druggin' and they go up and get a 24 hr sobriety chip. now, that does kinda burn my biscuits. is that really being sober? it's up for interpretation. they are sober from alcohol. do i care if he is druggin'? not really, i'm not addicted to drugs. but what gets me is that this person speaks the speak in a meeting and clearly they are high on something. that is when i form a resentment, it's like...can you at least just come to the meeting clean then get your drug on afterward? but then again, they got their butt to a meeting, so who am i to make that call? who am i to be resentful of this persons actions when in reality, it is none of my business, it does not affect me in a real way and they have the desire to stay sober.
who am i? i am just a drunk trying to stay sober one day at a time, the best i can...to vent, so that it doesn't snowball into something else, to ask for help when i need it and to be a kind human being. so while i had a resentment because of a feeling that i felt, that's my problem, not his or anyone else. it is about learning to separate and figure out what is really going on in that short circuiting brain of mine.
so today when i talk to my higher power (again), i will ask for them to help the sick and suffering, not only because i am one, but there are others out there still.....and we could all use a hand.
i went to a meeting last night. one of my regular ones i go to and enjoy very much. it is for the 'beginner', but anyone can come and there are times when people who have a gazillion years of sobriety come just so that they are reminded of what it's like to start off in sobriety. a refresher course if you will. the person that was chairing had a wonderful story and very inspirational to me. a young fellah, who got sober at the age of 16!!! can you imagine that? and he is in his early 20s now. i really was in awe of him and although he didn't get sober by choice, he did it and has STAYED sober. that is what is so amazing to me and such a gift. he wasn't my resentment by the way.
during a beginners meeting, or at least the one i attend, we read a chapter out of one of our books, listen to the chair person then anyone who wants to share according to their length of sobriety can share. after reading, and listening to the chair person the meeting was opened up to one day to one month of sobriety. a woman spoke, all was fine. then a gentleman started to speak. here is where it gets me heated (and i should preface this by saying, it is MY issue, NOT his). he spoke of how he came to a meeting last week under the influence of alcohol (for those of you that don't know, there is no rule that says you can't do that, AA is there for those who desire to stop drinking; you do not necessarily have to be sober) and as he was talking i could just tell something wasn't right with him then either. now, i'm not judging and this is where it may seem like i am or being hypocritical or just a plain ol' bitch.... but as he is speaking, nothing he said was making sense, he almost fell out of his chair and a cough syrup bottle fell out of his pocket and rolled under his chair. he quickly picked it up and put it back...meanwhile he is speaking as if he hasn't had a drink since the end of last week. this is what is so horrible about this disease, you go back to your old ways faster than you can say rabbits in a pea patch, and you aren't fooling anyone. you lie and pretend. i was absolutely horrified and uncomfortable that i got up and left. and when i left, i felt a huge resentment towards that person for 'chasing' me out of my meeting. so here's the thing, for me, at this point in time, AA is a safe place for me to go. i don't want to see some one under the influence, if i did, i'd go and pull a bar stool up at one of my old favorites. but you see, he has EVERY RIGHT as i have EVERY RIGHT to be at that meeting because it is about the desire to stop drinking. and he does have the desire, he keeps coming, whether he is sober or not, he shows up. how can i resent that? after much thought, i realized it wasn't him that i resented it was the feeling of uncomfortableness that i resented and that i couldn't handle it and left. i am no better than he is, and although today i don't have any plans to pick up a drink, who's to say i won't at some point today or tomorrow for that matter? i have to keep doing what i'm doing.
i had to honor my feelings and leave. i hope there will be a time in my sobriety when that type of situation won't make me uncomfortable and i can stay. there certainly was a lesson to be learned. as a side note, this isn't the first time that i had been in a situation where there was someone under the influence at a meeting. it has 'happened to me' (meaning i was at the same place at the same time as this other person) several times before at a particular meeting i go to, and this person will say they haven't had a drink but are still 'druggin' and they go up and get a 24 hr sobriety chip. now, that does kinda burn my biscuits. is that really being sober? it's up for interpretation. they are sober from alcohol. do i care if he is druggin'? not really, i'm not addicted to drugs. but what gets me is that this person speaks the speak in a meeting and clearly they are high on something. that is when i form a resentment, it's like...can you at least just come to the meeting clean then get your drug on afterward? but then again, they got their butt to a meeting, so who am i to make that call? who am i to be resentful of this persons actions when in reality, it is none of my business, it does not affect me in a real way and they have the desire to stay sober.
who am i? i am just a drunk trying to stay sober one day at a time, the best i can...to vent, so that it doesn't snowball into something else, to ask for help when i need it and to be a kind human being. so while i had a resentment because of a feeling that i felt, that's my problem, not his or anyone else. it is about learning to separate and figure out what is really going on in that short circuiting brain of mine.
so today when i talk to my higher power (again), i will ask for them to help the sick and suffering, not only because i am one, but there are others out there still.....and we could all use a hand.
Friday, February 11, 2011
blow me friday
fridays stink. it's an old boy friend that you broke up with and he keeps stalking you. at almost four months of sobriety, when friday hits, i still have the instinct of 'woohoo...something fun is gonna happen, i can drink and it be socially acceptable'. and the fact of the matter is, i can still think something fun is going to happen, but no drinkie poos. problem is, like i've said before, learning to live sober is difficult. what in the hell do you do on a friday night if you aren't around alcohol? i'm not a movie person; if i am going to pay 20 clams to see a movie, i want to be in my own bed with my pjs on and be able to pee without missing any of the movie. not really into bowling, but if someone gave me a clear ball with a wicked rose in it, maybe i could become a fan. it wasn't like i was out on the town every friday night, but i sure as hell would be drinking. but what do you do? alcohol is everywhere and i'm down with that, but, i don't know, i clearly am drawing a blank. i laugh sometimes reading some of the AA literature as it was written so long ago (they have updated it slightly), and they recommend taking up new hobbies. yeah, awesome, but i don't want to knit, macrame, play cribbage or bridge...nor do i want to take up golf (at least not now) or any other activity a senior citizen would do. jesus, i'm an alcoholic not in a nursing home. i need ideas. reading is dandy when i'm in a mellow mood. i hate organizing so i'm not going there, don't even mention cleaning that is just immediately destroyed and just pisses me off. i don't paint. well, i do paint but it is usually my toenails. i write all the time. yay for me. cooking has lost its allure due to being a short order cook for the three spawn. baking is off limits because i have to follow directions. ya see where i'm going here? i have no imagination, no creativity. what can i do on a friday night that is fun, not for the elderly and will put a little kick in my step? i guess i will continue to come up with things i won't do (power of positive thinking HA) and ask my good ol' higher power to take away that compulsion that weekends mean crazy time. man do i have a lot of growing up to do. i'd really like not too....spring is coming so that is good and i will be able to get out of these boxy walls and get fresh air, go walking, shoot some hoops (that actually is very relaxing to me even though i stink) etc. oh and if 'family' time is mentioned, someone will be getting a punch in the stones or ovaries because winter IS family time. don't get me wrong, they are swell, but a little space wouldn't hurt. guess i will get back to that laundry, it doesn't fold itself ya know.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
one love
last night was a trip. total trip. trippy trip trip. not sure if anyone will understand what i will try and convey here and how crazy emotional and loving my night ended.
yesterday, a family member received their 2 year sobriety chip. i went to the meeting they were 'chairing' to hear their experience, strength and hope. i know the story, i was part of some of it; good and bad.
first of all it was crazy to be in an AA meeting together, that was some seriously surreal shit. looking at each other thinking 'fuck, look where we are'...but in a positive way.
what an honor and privilige it was to hear them speak from the heart...what an honor it was for me to speak to this person in front of a room full of people and tell them they were a power of example for me. to know 'our' stories and how they are somewhat intertwined and to have been in the midst of the living hell we both were in together at one point and to see us now, is a miracle. ain't no joke up in here, up in here...a miracle.
you can lose so much when you are drunk and sometimes you don't get anything back when you become sober and are in recovery...some of those things, you don't want back...but what you do get back is what you are supposed to have. and we have each other. we have each others trust and unconditional love. i can call this person for absolutely anything for any reason and they are there no. matter. what.!! the very best part is our laughter we share now. god we are more trouble together sober than we ever were drunk. we laugh so much and so hard we should have a six pack....well, they are close, i've got a bit more flab to lose...point is, we could never share a genuine friendship and humor before, but now we can. that's how we roll sober...tears through laughter is my favorite emotion....you know that! and the pinnacle of the night was that i was allowed to present her with her two year chip. it took my breath away...i know where they have been and i know where they are...and together, we can do this journey together one day at a time. one love.
yesterday, a family member received their 2 year sobriety chip. i went to the meeting they were 'chairing' to hear their experience, strength and hope. i know the story, i was part of some of it; good and bad.
first of all it was crazy to be in an AA meeting together, that was some seriously surreal shit. looking at each other thinking 'fuck, look where we are'...but in a positive way.
what an honor and privilige it was to hear them speak from the heart...what an honor it was for me to speak to this person in front of a room full of people and tell them they were a power of example for me. to know 'our' stories and how they are somewhat intertwined and to have been in the midst of the living hell we both were in together at one point and to see us now, is a miracle. ain't no joke up in here, up in here...a miracle.
you can lose so much when you are drunk and sometimes you don't get anything back when you become sober and are in recovery...some of those things, you don't want back...but what you do get back is what you are supposed to have. and we have each other. we have each others trust and unconditional love. i can call this person for absolutely anything for any reason and they are there no. matter. what.!! the very best part is our laughter we share now. god we are more trouble together sober than we ever were drunk. we laugh so much and so hard we should have a six pack....well, they are close, i've got a bit more flab to lose...point is, we could never share a genuine friendship and humor before, but now we can. that's how we roll sober...tears through laughter is my favorite emotion....you know that! and the pinnacle of the night was that i was allowed to present her with her two year chip. it took my breath away...i know where they have been and i know where they are...and together, we can do this journey together one day at a time. one love.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
amends
amends....wow.
it was brought to my attention a few days ago that i had hurt someone a while back and i had no idea i had done so. my words and actions had upset this person a lot. this person is the first, other than my husband who has called me out on my bullshit.
my immediate reaction was such shame and sorrow. i never ever intended on hurting this person nor did i think i had or that i could even hurt this person; but i did.
my heart was so heavy, but i reached out and apologized for what i had done. they responded with some specifics, which was really what i needed to hear. i can't change if i don't know. it was a great reminder of why i don't drink and why i can't drink...i don't like who i am when i do drink. i can easily without hesitation hurt someone unknowingly. i am happy to say this person accepted my apology; that may not always be the case. but i told them, even now if i do something that is hurtful to please tell me because that is part of my recovery process. it felt good to be sincere and genuine in my efforts to make amends to them because i had no right to make them feel that way and i was incredibly sorry.
there will be more amends made down the line, this i know, as the door has been cracked. i haven't started my steps yet, so, yeah, there will be a lot of amends. and i'm okay with that because it's the right thing to do and it's part of the healing process. every day i don't drink is a small amends to myself, to my kids and to my husband.
good thing i have a big appetite because i'll be eating a lot of crow in the future. that my friends is called growth.
it was brought to my attention a few days ago that i had hurt someone a while back and i had no idea i had done so. my words and actions had upset this person a lot. this person is the first, other than my husband who has called me out on my bullshit.
my immediate reaction was such shame and sorrow. i never ever intended on hurting this person nor did i think i had or that i could even hurt this person; but i did.
my heart was so heavy, but i reached out and apologized for what i had done. they responded with some specifics, which was really what i needed to hear. i can't change if i don't know. it was a great reminder of why i don't drink and why i can't drink...i don't like who i am when i do drink. i can easily without hesitation hurt someone unknowingly. i am happy to say this person accepted my apology; that may not always be the case. but i told them, even now if i do something that is hurtful to please tell me because that is part of my recovery process. it felt good to be sincere and genuine in my efforts to make amends to them because i had no right to make them feel that way and i was incredibly sorry.
there will be more amends made down the line, this i know, as the door has been cracked. i haven't started my steps yet, so, yeah, there will be a lot of amends. and i'm okay with that because it's the right thing to do and it's part of the healing process. every day i don't drink is a small amends to myself, to my kids and to my husband.
good thing i have a big appetite because i'll be eating a lot of crow in the future. that my friends is called growth.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
i did
i went last night. got to dance a little...did a lot of people watching...
the best part about the whole night... at no point did i desire, crave or want a drink. NOT ONE TIME! it was so normal for me NOT to be drinking. i think i may have just tilted the world's axis by saying that. very interesting watching people...some drinking like a 'normal' drinker, some just living it up and some just whoa! and i don't care or judge, cause it's not me. i may be tired this morning from staying out past my bedtime, but i remember everything and don't feel sick. there were moments where i did feel badly for some people, they were younger, but just thinking, yeah your tomorrow is gonna be a waste of a day. god knows i've had a lot of those. i left a bit before the show was over so not to be on the road with everyone and i saw three different people passed out in their cars. i just hope the key wasn't in the ignition cause that is a dui up here...oh and i saw a drug deal busted inside the show, cops and everything...and lots of weed being smoked at first...which seriously had me dying laughing because, you can't smoke in bars up here sooooo....it's a bit obvious. just funny that's all. those dudes got kicked out too. so here is an example of how many baby steps i've taken : i asked the bartender if they had hot tea or coffee!!! hahaha...they said no, but they should. i didn't feel too terribly stupid for asking, mainly i asked cause i was freezing, but i settled on some cranberry juice. so yeah for me for trying something new and doing it without my crutch.
the best part about the whole night... at no point did i desire, crave or want a drink. NOT ONE TIME! it was so normal for me NOT to be drinking. i think i may have just tilted the world's axis by saying that. very interesting watching people...some drinking like a 'normal' drinker, some just living it up and some just whoa! and i don't care or judge, cause it's not me. i may be tired this morning from staying out past my bedtime, but i remember everything and don't feel sick. there were moments where i did feel badly for some people, they were younger, but just thinking, yeah your tomorrow is gonna be a waste of a day. god knows i've had a lot of those. i left a bit before the show was over so not to be on the road with everyone and i saw three different people passed out in their cars. i just hope the key wasn't in the ignition cause that is a dui up here...oh and i saw a drug deal busted inside the show, cops and everything...and lots of weed being smoked at first...which seriously had me dying laughing because, you can't smoke in bars up here sooooo....it's a bit obvious. just funny that's all. those dudes got kicked out too. so here is an example of how many baby steps i've taken : i asked the bartender if they had hot tea or coffee!!! hahaha...they said no, but they should. i didn't feel too terribly stupid for asking, mainly i asked cause i was freezing, but i settled on some cranberry juice. so yeah for me for trying something new and doing it without my crutch.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
why not?
sometimes being sober is lonely. i have friends. but right now i can't be in situations that they can be in...and in the fellowship, i have friends. but most are older, which is just lovely. i haven't been out and about in a long time and i am really dying to go out, but i have no one to go with me. i want to go hear (probably cheesy, but who cares), a bob marley and grateful dead cover band tonight. yes, there is a bar there, but that doesn't worry me. but i have never gone some place like that, alone and sober. if i was drinking, not a problem, cause that alcohol would just calm those nerves and nothing would matter. literally. so, i think i'm going to try something new tonight and take a huge leap outside my comfort zone. i am not in danger of drinking, so that's good. i think i'll go, alone, grab a soda, listen to some music and if there are enough people there, i will dance. i really want to just dance. what's the worst that could happen; i get there, can't get comfortable and i leave. it's worth the 10 clams to see if i can do it. i'm certainly not the first sober person to go and listen to music alone. right? RIGHT??? right.
Friday, February 4, 2011
110 days and the bitch ain't mine
bitch being my wine.
so stoked...110 days. got my hair done today..i'm down 15 pounds...my mood, my soul is joyous and free today. i feel fucking great. not because of the above things..but because for 110 days i've done the right thing. never thought it possible. man, you have no idea how much i love being sober..the good, the bad, the painful...the everything...i don't ever have to drink again...cause i can't drink in safety. but i CAN live an amazing life. i CAN laugh. i CAN have fun. i CAN be myself. i CAN take care of myself. i CAN be a part of this universe. i CAN be a friend. i CAN help someone out. i CAN set boundaries. i CAN feel like i'm worth something.
i may not feel like this everyday, but who does? that's not living. BUT, today i DO feel like this and i am in love.
so stoked...110 days. got my hair done today..i'm down 15 pounds...my mood, my soul is joyous and free today. i feel fucking great. not because of the above things..but because for 110 days i've done the right thing. never thought it possible. man, you have no idea how much i love being sober..the good, the bad, the painful...the everything...i don't ever have to drink again...cause i can't drink in safety. but i CAN live an amazing life. i CAN laugh. i CAN have fun. i CAN be myself. i CAN take care of myself. i CAN be a part of this universe. i CAN be a friend. i CAN help someone out. i CAN set boundaries. i CAN feel like i'm worth something.
i may not feel like this everyday, but who does? that's not living. BUT, today i DO feel like this and i am in love.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
oh i'ma postin fool today...thanks no wheel and snow
kinda time to kick this bitch up a few positive notches...so on i go with my gratitude/grateful list. always good to do and remind myself of the wonderful people, places, things, thoughts and food in my life. and i just want to say too that i am still down 14 pounds..time to start boxing!! i wanna keep losing!! not gonna lie though, i'm startin' to sizzle.
chocolate filled/stuffed cookies
my cold aluminum chair in the basement of the churches
keurig
the old timers
hot showers
my heating pad i use for pure gluttony...to get warm before bed since we keep the heat on like 40 at night
snow shovels
my neighbors with snow blowers
roasted brussel sprouts
a wheel would be cool..but i'm grateful i didn't break the frame or chassis...(i don't know what a chassis is, but it's fun to say)
texting...god to i love texting
my new tattoo (that i will be getting)
lion king tickets..again.. but this time with the spawn
coca cola in little glass bottles
the universe
prayer for self love
prayer for redirecting my thinking
my first reaction is not to drink
ground hog stew
special lovies from my kids
tights
skulls and cross bones
reno 911
my short term memory...hey it's tony randall
brian williams (yes, the news anchor)
our horrible channel 10 weather douche kelly bates who IS my nemesis, but she gives me a reason to laugh
'the cleaner'
of course my supportive friends and family especially the ones who didn't drop me like it's hot when they found out i was an alcoholic
being brave enough to admit i need help
not feeling shame about being an alcoholic...we are everywhere
hand painted clogs
writing/blogging even though i don't make sense half the time, form complete sentences use correct grammar or punctuation
snow plows
fireplaces, even though i don't have one
a dry basement
soft toilet paper. i mean seriously, if you have that tissue paper thin rough stuff, we need to have an intervention; it's worth the investment
a plush toilet seat (so much warmer during the winter night pee breaks)
drug store reading glasses
and of course for one more day of sobriety.
chocolate filled/stuffed cookies
my cold aluminum chair in the basement of the churches
keurig
the old timers
hot showers
my heating pad i use for pure gluttony...to get warm before bed since we keep the heat on like 40 at night
snow shovels
my neighbors with snow blowers
roasted brussel sprouts
a wheel would be cool..but i'm grateful i didn't break the frame or chassis...(i don't know what a chassis is, but it's fun to say)
texting...god to i love texting
my new tattoo (that i will be getting)
lion king tickets..again.. but this time with the spawn
coca cola in little glass bottles
the universe
prayer for self love
prayer for redirecting my thinking
my first reaction is not to drink
ground hog stew
special lovies from my kids
tights
skulls and cross bones
reno 911
my short term memory...hey it's tony randall
brian williams (yes, the news anchor)
our horrible channel 10 weather douche kelly bates who IS my nemesis, but she gives me a reason to laugh
'the cleaner'
of course my supportive friends and family especially the ones who didn't drop me like it's hot when they found out i was an alcoholic
being brave enough to admit i need help
not feeling shame about being an alcoholic...we are everywhere
hand painted clogs
writing/blogging even though i don't make sense half the time, form complete sentences use correct grammar or punctuation
snow plows
fireplaces, even though i don't have one
a dry basement
soft toilet paper. i mean seriously, if you have that tissue paper thin rough stuff, we need to have an intervention; it's worth the investment
a plush toilet seat (so much warmer during the winter night pee breaks)
drug store reading glasses
and of course for one more day of sobriety.
blizzard
i made it through...i woke up this morning and the first mental vision i had was of a green computer screen with red letters that said : you are clean. your motivation was out of love.
now who knows what that could be. i could twist and turn it to be whatever i need it to mean. it's clear that i need to just acknowledge just those words; plain and simple.
brushing my teeth this morning, i could look in the mirror and be okay with me and how i had to handle an unfortunate situation.
my sponsor is the most amazing person. talking to her last night brought me to a place of utter rawness and childlike qualities. it was as if i was an 8 year old. her ability (because of her long sobriety) to break it all down, then break it down more, then ask questions that may seem obvious but have no answers until they are presented to me is beyond comprehension. that is the beauty of AA for me. the beauty of another woman who has felt and still feels certain things but to know, i don't have to numb myself. last night was the first time in my entire life (no drama queen here) that someone told me 'it isn't your fault'. never have i heard those words been directed to me. ever. i was transported back to my childhood. and again, it's not bashing...they didn't know better; doesn't make it right, but they didn't know any different.
i am going to be okay. i am not willing to give this up. i can't and i won't. i pick up a drink, i'm dead. i won't make it back. it's that simple. and i don't want to die.
baby steps...slow and steady growth is what is going to keep me sober.
i am so very grateful..grateful...and in awe of what AA does for you....people may fail you, but the program never will.
now who knows what that could be. i could twist and turn it to be whatever i need it to mean. it's clear that i need to just acknowledge just those words; plain and simple.
brushing my teeth this morning, i could look in the mirror and be okay with me and how i had to handle an unfortunate situation.
my sponsor is the most amazing person. talking to her last night brought me to a place of utter rawness and childlike qualities. it was as if i was an 8 year old. her ability (because of her long sobriety) to break it all down, then break it down more, then ask questions that may seem obvious but have no answers until they are presented to me is beyond comprehension. that is the beauty of AA for me. the beauty of another woman who has felt and still feels certain things but to know, i don't have to numb myself. last night was the first time in my entire life (no drama queen here) that someone told me 'it isn't your fault'. never have i heard those words been directed to me. ever. i was transported back to my childhood. and again, it's not bashing...they didn't know better; doesn't make it right, but they didn't know any different.
i am going to be okay. i am not willing to give this up. i can't and i won't. i pick up a drink, i'm dead. i won't make it back. it's that simple. and i don't want to die.
baby steps...slow and steady growth is what is going to keep me sober.
i am so very grateful..grateful...and in awe of what AA does for you....people may fail you, but the program never will.
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