Sunday, November 20, 2011


just a quick shout out to those who love me until i can love myself.
i am so grateful and blessed with people in my life (and my HP of course) who truly, truly get it.
sometimes, we just need to be heard.
thank you for your support, love, kind words, hugs and tissues these past two weeks. i walked through a little piece of hell, came out the other side (still) sober, mentally/emotionally on track and more connected to my higher power and most of all physically unharmed.
you can't get better unless you ask for help. humility at its finest. (that sounded so ego but isn't the intention).
peace, love and light

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


brain. fucking. charge.
genius how the change of medication can help place you back in you.
positivity, hope, patience and grace found their way back to my energy.
feeling fluffy, light and thoughts of calmness. 

can i get hell yeah?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you don't

last monday i had a mental breakdown. how or why it happened, i only know the partial answer.
what triggered the breakdown is unknown and i may look into it, i may not. all i know is that i fell into an abyss of blackness, hopelessness and absolute insanity. my brain unraveled and unraveled quickly.
i have heard people say they wanted to die when in the throws of their disease; not me. i have wanted to die in sobriety. why? because i feel. i feel things that i have never felt. trauma and abuse from my past are coming back as i get more sobriety i get under my belt. i thought i had dealt with these issues, hell i have been in therapy half my life. but i suppose i would ignore them, then eventually i drank them down.
the pain i felt monday was unbearable and probably the worst i have ever felt. i was going to either drink or kill myself. yes, suicide. i had it planned. i was too scared to drink because i remember my last drunk as if it was 5 minutes ago and i knew, with every little piece of my being i could not drink. so i turned to an equally evil thought of suicide. it isn't pretty. it's embarrassing, it is shameful for me to admit it, but it was the only way out i thought. that whole day i talked to people and i was absolutely not willing to hear any suggestions. i was a three year old. as the day went on and my mental state worsened i called my therapist. now that wasn't my idea, that was my higher power and i know this because there was not a rational or sane thought in my head. my therapist picked up (which she never does), i told her my state of mind and she said you need to go to the hospital. she called, there was a bed available. i went. i went terrified and brimming with shame and humiliation. i was admitted. i spent monday night through friday morning at a psychiatric hospital.
i know why this happened. i was meant to go. because i was there, we found out my antidepressant i had been on for five years had stopped working. my meds were changed. i also found out about an outpatient program that is for women who have had trauma and abuse in their lives.  i need outside help. being sober gave me the opportunity to ask for help. as hard as it was to ask, i did it. i didn't drink and i did not hurt myself.  i celebrated 8mths of continuous sobriety 11/11. i didn't drink. i made it through a little piece of hell and did not drink. that is a miracle.
i met some pretty amazing people in there with the same issues as me. just as addiction doesn't discriminate, neither does depression and anxiety. the nurses, mental health workers, psychiatrist were phenomenal. no judgement. nothing but compassion, genuine concern and the honest desire to get me to a better place. if i had not gone, who knows what would have happened. but i never would have known there was a medication issue or a program that will teach me coping skills that in turn will continue to keep me sober. and for that i am truly grateful.
so anyone that reads this...know without a doubt you CAN stay sober and you CAN ask for help. don't let that ego and pride get in the way. it isn't worth it. please let my experience be yours so you do not have to go through the agonizing hours that i did.
accepting a double whammy, and  those whammies being mental illness (which has such a negative stigma) will take practice. let go of that concept is something i will need to practice. so i'm a nut. who isn't? at least i can admit it right? peace, love and light.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


what a weird time...very weird.  so uncomfortable. so on edge and fearful.  bored. lonely. i don't know where it is coming from. not that i have to justify why i feel these things, because they are just that; feelings.  it gets easier, this i know to be true so i have to keep walking. haven't been in one of these 'moments' for a while so for it to come back, one would think i might have some sober reference on how to handle this. and i suppose i do. i have been doing the next right thing and reaching out, which of course helps. i am my own road block sometimes. keep practicing giving it up. keep practicing not taking myself so seriously. keep practicing being in the moment. and the moment isn't bad. the day isn't bad. being in my head, not so good. i need motivation (so i think).  i so wanted to check myself into butler last night. i was unraveling at the seams and for what? no idea, just that sense of meh. no particular reason to feel down but i do. it will pass, it always does. searching for that identity when i shouldn't be. searching for who i am, when i shouldn't be. it will all come when it is ready and this is what i need to remember right now. when i am ready, i will know. when i am ready, the answers will be revealed. when i am ready, i won't feel like this. who says you can't have a couple of crappy days? who says i have to be happy shnappy everyday? no one. expectations are sneaky little things aren't they? they set us up for elation or resentments. so for today, i won't drink and i will practice not having expectations. i am actually making myself giggle as i write. that is the best part about writing, getting those thoughts out, seeing them in black and white and nut job. and i am; a total nut job. part of my charm. everyone needs a nut job. preferably one that doesn't drink. already feel better. back to whatever it was i was doing before i sat down.

Friday, November 4, 2011

a turn around

inspiration and strength are like these two invisible components we breathe that keeps us living. water and air, if you will indulge me on a weak analogy.  if i do not have inspiration and strength, i will perish to a really shitty disease. for realsies.
i thought i was having a piss clam of a day until about half an hour ago. i went over my day in my head....tried to think of the small stuff.  really, my day wasn't shitty at all. sure, i cried today.  i felt alone today.  i laughed today. i saw progress today.  i felt some serious love from genuine souls today.
perspective. balance. an honest assessment of oneself. the desire to really find your way and live your best life. all intangible and priceless qualities i aspire to have.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

sneak attack

fuck. i have such a craving right now to get lit up like a christmas tree. out of no where this urge has hit me. so much so i wanna just go balls to the walls. i haven't a clue why. i have been so grateful and feeling like i am on the right path, meetings, helping others, praying, talking to my sponsor and others. holy shitballs do i want to get drunk. i won't because i tried that and it was liquid misery. horrendous. must remember my last drunk. i'm in a great mood. i just have this overwhelming urge to get crazy and my first thought was booze. i can get crazy other ways (that are appropriate) but the brain is saying GET DRUNK. fuck. it is saying you can drink, you are not an alcoholic. i hear it. my heart is saying shut the fuck up.
okay, had to get that out. make some more phone calls...pick up five minutes at a time drinking. i can stay away from a drink. it will not do me any good. nope nope....

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

gratitude list

need to do a gratitude list..

new music really, super duper loud
caramel flavored coffee
health insurance
benny our dog
a clean floor
the chaos of being a mama to 3
winter boots
knee socks
practicing not being concerned about what others think
my grandmother
the lion king (not in 3d)
tosh .0
a good red lipstick
my steam mop
absolute gratitude for being sober
halloween candy
pumpkin bread
a really good candle
the who
feeling every little thing
the swagger wagon (it's on its last leg)
tattoos and more tattoos
my hyena laugh
big sincere hugs
fall leaves

....and......i'm back. writing that is...

whoa nelly, it is the begining of november and i am just now getting back to my blog. that tells you something as i love to write.
i have almost 8 months of continued sobriety. i have 364 days of total sobriety.  and i have today; this very important 24 hours. that is all that counts. can i stay away from a drink for just 24hrs; and to that i say yes, i can!
where i am now is not much different from the last time i wrote, yet i am not the same person. early sobriety is a fickle friend. i love it, i'm confused by it, sometimes i don't think it likes me, i need it, i am still fearful of it....there was a book written a while back, something like 'all i needed to learn, i learned in kindergarten'.  i remember reading it and thinking how clever and simple the concept of living life if we just used what we learned in kindergarten. that is how i feel about my program. everything i need to know i am learning in AA.  nakedness is my wardrobe right now; completely exposed.  being comfortable with being uncomfortable is a common phrase my sponsor says to me. i am beginning to feel comfortable being exposed. this requires great effort, patience, trust and faith. 
pulling myself back into the day is becoming more of an option now. i can feel when i am getting away from the day and on a good day, pull myself back, redirect and continue on completely enveloped in the day. the good, bad and indifferent. i'd love to kick co-dependency in the baby maker and tell that confusing little issue to go take a hike.  it hangs on me like a high schooler's back pack. oh there is the 'healthy' co-dependency and the 'unhealthy' co-dependency AND you don't have to be an addict of any kind to have co-dependency issues. wait, co-dependency is an addiction of sorts. okay, whatever, you get what i am saying; it blows.  i find when i am not co-dependent in the unhealthy way, there is freedom. i may have to walk the walk of uncomfortableness for a bit, but when i come out the other side, i am lighter.  then comes the positive reinforcement which eventually will lead to less and less co-dependency...the unhealthy kind.  everything and i mean everything is about practice.  not long ago, i was in hit in the head (figuratively) that here i was trying to be perfect in a program that does NOT PROMOTE perfection, only progress.  i chalk this up to being newly sober. i am trying not to take myself so seriously, relax, breathe, sit, stay in the day, not worry about what others think (it is none of my business).  the last, is something i hear frequently.  worrying about what others think of me is an  understatement. i am such a child. all i want is acceptance, acknowledgement that i exist....i want someone else to re-build me.  and that isn't how it works. these holes have to be filled by using my tools. i must be the one that rebuilds the insides or, actually, just simply build. there was nothing there to begin with. weird to think i walked into the halls, so broken, guilt ridden, shamed from head to toe, disgusted and completely spiritually empty. today, that isn't me. not all the holes have been filled, actually not one is completed, but they never will be. this is a journey of self discovery, taking what works for me, throwing it into those holes, continue to dig and find the hidden treasures that make up me, because i do not know who that person is. ah, another gift of sobriety; a clean slate.