Tuesday, November 27, 2012

insert title here

I had a great Thanksgiving with my brother/sister in-law and all my nieces and nephews.  Going down to Virginia was the right decision.  I missed my babies so much but not being home alone was definitely the right thing to do.  I know I would have been lonely without any family here and it would have compounded the abandoned feelings I am working to remove and replace with a sense of belonging within myself. 
I made it through another first and did not drink.  This was my third Thanksgiving sober but my first without my kids in 10 years.  I am truly grateful to have my brother/sister in-laws in Virginia.  They were extremely generous and gave me some money so that I can provide some Christmas for the kids.  We are going to decorate the tree with ornaments they picked out and string popcorn and cranberries.  Not having money and living with the bare minimal isn't easy but it is doable.  I applied for food stamps this week.  I am hopeful to get an interview soon to see if I qualify.  I never ever thought I would be in a position where I would be on public assistance but I have no choice right now and need help.  If I do get the food stamps I will be able to afford to feed the kids and have them more often.  Not being able to provide food for your children is painful.  I can't provide them with anything material right now, not even the basics.  I feel like a failure a lot because I can't do these things right now.  I do have faith it won't always be this way.  I wake up every morning and hit my knees and pray.  Every morning I say thank you for another day of recovery.  If I don't keep my recovery first I will never have the small and beautiful things that I get on a daily basis. Being with my children and basic needs.  I wouldn't get to experience a Thankgiving, a Christmas, sleepovers, homework time, you get the picture.  When I struggle with feeling less than, worthless, inferior, dumb and unlovable, I remember what happened the last time I picked up a drink.  I had four months sober yesterday, and today I have 4mths and 1 day.  Between 4 and 5 months has been when I have picked up a drink (I did make it to 9mths once) so I am scared.  With this time period hitting during the holidays I am hyper vigilant about my recovery.  I was feeling really lousy because this is when it all started last year with my marriage falling part etc.  but you know, on the 10th of December, the husband is filing for divorce.  I guess he likes the month of December?  I don't want to associate this month anymore to sadness or to him.  Why give those thoughts free rent in my head.  I don't need to be sad and mourning when he is happy and living his life. Fuck this, I need to live my life and not let him have so much control over my emotions.  I don't need to remember the past; good or bad.  Not ignore it, but I don't need to be punished. It feels as if the husband wants me to feel badly all the time and I get that from certain people in his family too.  I just remind myself it is conditional love that he was capable of giving and you know, it's okay that is all he can do.  I am a good person and always have been.  I can look myself in the mirror and admit my wrongs, take responsibility and also say I tried with everything I had to keep my marriage going, stay in recovery and be a good mom.  I tried, I didn't say I succeeded.  My destiny is already laid out for me.  I was supposed to have children with this man.  I was supposed to be an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic.  I was supposed to marry then divorce.  The answers to why this is will come later.  I am just trying to accept it and move forward.  There is a lot I can accept but there is still a lot I can not accept.  The good news is I know I don't have to accept everything at once nor do I have to accept it all today.  I am learning and doing it more quickly now than before which is a relief.  God my blogs have gotten painfully boring. I mean damn, I don't even want to read these.  I will try and spice these bitches up!

Monday, November 12, 2012

change of heart

 * just a reminder i never proof read what i write...like you couldn't tell...but i don't because i want it to be what ever is flowing through....*

today i realized i feel the same way about a few people in my inlaw family as i did about the gf (being replaced so easily, etc).  i imagine my feelings of hurt and 'kicked to the curb' will go away soon, i am still really hurting. my sponsor says i minimize events and my feelings too much.  and i guess i do to a degree because i think sometimes if the people i loved could so easily dismiss me and throw blame on me then perhaps i am not really worth it.  then i have to remember they have their own issues and why am i  so hurt by people that so clearly disrespect me and the situation?   i had a moment today where the thought 'i want a drink' came to mind and would not leave my head.  i do not want a drink and know it does nothing but the thought came to mind and was relentless.  i prayed my guts out and by the grace of god it passed.  a non alcoholic or a person who doesn't have an addiction may not understand this but, when that thought comes in my head i have a battle going on.  i don't know why it happened.  i imagine that maybe it popped up because i am struggling with feeling discounted and my natural response has been to drink. drink to cope. drink to not feel.  and alcohol doesn't help me cope and it doesn't even numb anymore.  the drink only makes it 1 million times worse.  i was standing there and when it came up, i thought 'no, no, no.  remember your babies. remember your babies'.  inches and seconds and it could all be gone.  inches and seconds.  i don't think people who never learn or at least avail themselves to the bare minimum about the recovery process can  fathom how vulnerable i am right now and judgments hurt 100xs more than the norm.  i've been told it is about rebuilding my self esteem/confidence but damn is it hard when the people you cared so much for, loved and respected don't see the whole picture.  that the focus is micro and displaced.  what i had been through the seven months prior to me attempting suicide was heavy.  the husband is equally responsible for the breakdown as i am.  yet they don't see that.  his decision to not communicate, run then date the woman he already had feelings for and got caught, introduce her to mutual friends (without telling me anything) etc is enough to make a solid woman go crazy.  i know i keep rehashing the same thing, but i have too.  i have to get out the hurt.  don't get me wrong, i don't think for one second they will change.  they won't and they don't have too.  it is up to me to let it go when i am ready and right now i can not let it go.  everything is so fresh and raw.  it is the holidays where family is the focus and well....i guess i am just shocked.  yeah, i am still in shock.  this whole thing is another death.  i have to go through the grieving process and stages.  i feel sorry for the husband.  i do.  he doesn't deal. his way of dealing is so unhealthy.  everything is just fine...cover up and move on.  it is so sad really because he will never know the beauty in the breakdown.  he will never know or have the freedom of loving unconditionally.  he covers his insecurities by overcompensating and drinking.  i wish i could save him from what is to come for him, but i can't.  as much as i don't care for how all of this has gone down, i never want anyone to go through the pain and horror i have had to endure because of alcoholism.  i am not saying he is, but he is.  when you are an alcoholic and have crossed over to recovery and start understanding recovery it is impossible not to see the warning signs and the behavior.  it really isn't about what you drink or how much you drink it is about what the drink does to you; and that doesn't mean while you are drinking either.  that also goes for those who enable.  as i write this i actually feel a lot of compassion for him and those family members.  how crazy is that? starting this blog to where i am in this blog my entire attitude has changed.  that is the beauty of writing and having the tools of recovery right in the ol' ticker.  anyway, i hope he never has to go through the agony.  i also hope that he isn't enabled to death.  the hard part is there is nothing i can do to help him.  i can't fight for him like i did his sister.  it is up to his family to recognize the signs and take action. actually, it is up to him and that scares me.  pride and ego.    i pray everyday for him, his gf, his parents and siblings.  every, every day.  i know how hard it is to look in the mirror and admit there is a problem.  i know the courage it takes to get help.  but the admission is the hard part. we lie to ourselves over and over.  the disease tells you don't have the disease.  when i think of what an absolute selfish, heartless bitch i was when in active addiction i was, oy!  i had know idea everything i did was selfish motivation.  i put that drink before everything and that was even before i physically needed it.  i absolutely understand why the husband wanted out, i do. what i don't understand and never ever will understand was the way he handled it.  i even understand why al non didn't work for him or why he didn't avail himself to learning about recovery; it came too close to home.  even the way he handled getting out of the marriage and subsequent actions he has taken is alcoholic behavior.  that line of holding him accountable but also understanding he has some issues is difficult.  it would be easier if he was an admitted alcoholic.  i have to constantly remember not to treat him the way he treats me.  just because we are cordial doesn't mean i have or am being treated fairly, with kindness and compassion. i do think i am being fair and treat him with kindness and compassion.  i keep praying for God to keep him safe.  i suppose that even if certain people who i considered family can't deal with reality, so be it.  but i will never stop caring about the husband or wanting him to be okay.  and i do accept that what is ok for him is not exactly what is ok for me.  i wish him a healthy, unclouded, non judgmental life.  his spark is gone and boy do i wish he gets it back.  that twinkle is what made him so beautiful. 

Saturday, November 10, 2012


embrace the sadness. blar.  i will be ok as long as i don't pick up a drink. i don't feel like a drink and i took care of myself today.  recognized the uncomfortableness and made decisions that would not put me in an emotional cyclone and followed up with several hours with my best friend so i wouldn't be alone.  if you can follow my nonsense the following ill fated grouping of words will hopefully explain. 

i am trying so very hard not to associate this time of year to hurt and sadness, but for now, it is associated with sadness.  i have hope that in time, the holidays will once again my favorite season of happy chaos.
i have been thinking so much about how i should handle the holidays and my children. my babies daddy asked if we could make a tentative schedule or plans for thanksgiving and christmas time.  when i think about it all, i honestly burst into tears and hold my chest.  my chest pounds like a hollow drum and the soreness truly makes me ache.  the holiday season is about family to me.  and yes, there were times when i was in active addiction the drink came first.  i am not proud of that, but it is my truth and probably another alcoholics truth as well.  i never wanted the drink to be more important yet it was for me.  i was not necessarily drunk, i was passed out, too tired, too anxious, hungover or shitfaced.  we use to start drinking champagne on thanksgiving morning and by the time i got to my in-laws i was loaded.  i believe i have mentioned this tradition in previous blogs.  anyway, what do i do without my kids, my family, my whole heart?  i was able to say that i would like the kids on thanksgiving morning but i just could not say about christmas eve or christmas day.  as i have mentioned in the past, christmas eve usually was at my house.  last year it was not because i had relapsed a week or so prior.  'the husband' was hugely upset that he ate christmas eve dinner alone because i was in my room.  yes, on paper it sounds so sad and pitiful, and yes, that does sound lonely.  it was what i had to do being newly sober again.  was it unfair to him, i'm sure it was.  was it unfair to ask me to participate in the night and pretend i was just fine and watch him get seriously buzzed and act obnoxious, yes, i'm sure it was.  again, the kicker was he never told me until months later.  i digress.  as i was saying i told him i just couldn't say on those days.  he did not pressure me and i do appreciate that very much.  what do i do? do i go to the house after they return from family merriment that i know longer get to participate in (can you imagine how painful that is?) and sleep on the couch so i can be there when my babies wake up to see what santa left?  do i travel back in time and try to recreate a scene of previous christmas'?  how long do i stay after they open their gifts? how healthy is it for me to pretend things are not different.  more importantly how healthy is it for the kids?  i wanted to go apple picking with them this year and needed their father to come along to supervise and he said no.  instead his gf, her children, mutual friends and their child went (they had been going with us every year for years) to the same place we always take the kids.  the place i sought out because it had a pretty drive.  my god, isn't that sick? couldn't they have gone to a completely different place?  not to mention the other couple who i thought were my friends as well went right along with it.  i think it is b'zar.  my point is, he recreated the almost exact same experience with the kids except i wasn't there. who does that benefit? him or the kids? i might argue it does benefit the kids because that has been the tradition, but i might also argue that changes are necessary to live in reality not in false reality.  are you following me? remove me from the picture and insert new woman and tack on two kids.  make sense?  circumstances and situations are not the same so why pluck out the old and put in the new? why not start doing things a little differently?  back to my original point, do i pluck myself out of the dinner, gift giving festivites (which i most definitely would not participate in due to what you have read) and then insert myself back in for the santa set up, and santa wake up then pluck myself out shortly after santa and go back to my apartment? or do i miss the very first christmas morning with them?  how are they going to feel that their mother isn't there?  i am scared.  i am scared that if i just do it so they don't have to feel any change is that putting my sobriety in jeopardy? it really isn't about the way i will feel there, it is the way i will feel afterward.  the afterward part is what fucks me up.  do i risk my sobriety? am i strong enough? i don't know.  no one can make this decision but me and i feel like no matter what i chose i am going to cause behind the back talk (which happens anyway) and hurt feelings. either way it is crushing, but which is the less of the two evils? my apartment won't be decked out like the house is, i don't have anything and i don't really want anything.  christmas is about your kids if you have them.  christmas won't always be this way it is a moment in time.  if i can look at the 'big picture' maybe my answer will come to me.

part 2
'the husband' is going to tell our kids that the woman he has had them around is his gf.  i know my oldest already knows and my youngest knows there is tension when it comes to her and my middle child, i am fairly certain knows but, i think, is uneasy about acknowledging it.  i don't have a problem with him telling them at all (which is considerable growth for me).  i am going to bounce back and forth again, so bear with me. i do have concern with overloading them with too much change (hence christmas dilemma).  i am not sure why he is telling them now, but my guess and this is just a gut feeling, is that the gf will be introduced to his parents.  and this leads me to what happened today. 

babies daddy asked if i was going to be somewhere (too many details) and if i wasn',t his gf and her kids were going to go be there.  he was nice enough to say that if i had plans on being there, he would tell her not to come because he promises (and trust me when i tell you his promises mean nothing as he has broken so many) that 'we' will always come first when it comes to our children's activities.  again, nice of him to say and i did appreciate it.  i told him i was planning on going but i was fine with her being there because i knew my kids had been to her kids activities and my kids would enjoy having hers there.  are ya'll following me on this? sounds like code talk right? okay, so this morning i go to the house to pick up my oldest and his friend and the husband tells me that his sister and nephew are also going to be there.  that put a whole new spin on things. his sister and i haven't really spoken since i have been back.  she communicated by letter once while i was in treatment ( i recieved her letter and package the day before i was leaving) and i saw her once at the house while she was babysitting the kids.  the 'in person' visit did not go well because of me.  i could not look her in the eyes. i just couldn't. i could not pretend that everything was ok and be all huggy and lovey.  i am seriously hurt by her.  for six long, painful, gut wrenching years, she too was in active addiction.  i won't go into detail about her story but i will tell you it was bad.  i am in NO way comparing it to me or my battles because you just can't compare at all.  we aren't any better or any worse than each other, we are just your garden variety drunks.  but those years took a major toll on me, it caused some riffs in my marriage and it dominated my life.  i was my inlaws biggest support system, i constantly rallied his family and prompted and pleaded to get them to take action.  denial is that families signature color.  it isn't a criticism, it is just how they operate.  denial denial denial.  i was overly involved in my sister inlaws life and in my inlaws.  i didn't know that then obviously, all i knew is i didn't want her to die and i was going to exhaust every fucking avenue and then some.  it came down to finally telling his parents that if there wasn't an intervention i couldn't be there sounding board and i had to drop out of this all.  my stress and anxiety was high. i would go from 0-60 in less than a second and my drinking took off. the irony right? let me drink because i'm stressed out about an alcoholic.  i am not blaming my drinking on that situation in the least, it just picked up and started really rolling.  part of my progression was to drink as a coping skill.  so in the end, i researched interventionist, how to do an intervention etc and we had the intervention.  she went to another rehab and between myself and the husband we brought her son up there to visit her on the weekends.  when she returned home we supported her a 100%, it didn't mean we forgot what she did, said etc, but we wanted her to succeed and we wanted to support her.  i haven't had any, and i mean any support from her.  yes, i got a letter/package and yes, i did see her but couldn't look at her and yes, we have texted briefly to say we love each other and yes, she has met and hung out with the husband and his gf.  my god.  i mean MY GOD.  i have never known a family that is so desperate to not deal with anything uncomfortable so much that they are willing to cast aside someone who moved to be closer to them, has been closer to them than her own family, that fought like a mother fucker so that a member of the family's bottom could be raised so they would hopefully be more willing to get help, who has been a constant sounding board and been fairly (i won't say concretely because i am human) non judgmental on others in the family (i always have tried to present another side) so that they don't have to look at 'one of their own'.  and i say that because my mother inlaw says 'blood is thicker than water' and i'm the water now.  and listen, i just because i wouldn't do that without a damning reason, doesn't mean they won't.  my inlaws are hurt because i gave them back a birthday check (i felt hypocritical accepting money from them when i couldn't be around them because they constantly cosign their sons bullshit) and did not accept a table.  i didn't want them to stop speaking to their son, i didn't want them to write them off, but for the love of christmas it wouldn't have killed them to tell him he shouldn't invite her up and stay with her during a family vacation they paid for.  and it wouldn't kill them to not babysit if he was going to be with her. and it wouldn't kill them to tell him they aren't going to meet her anytime soon.  but they will never do that.  his sister hasn't done it.  one of his aunts (and i thought i was close to both of them) wrote me off because 'she's been talking to patrick....and wishes me a happy life.  can any of you imagine what it fucking feels like to lose family? i have been kicked to the curb and why? don't they have a daughter and a niece who has the same disease and stuggled just like me? why am i different? i am different because if they took the focus off of me and looked at their own son/nephew it may get uncomfortable. peace at all costs as my mother inlaw says.  peace at all costs.  and i am the one who pays the price because peace for them is denial.  the husband is going to that aunts housewarming party on sunday and i am going to spend time with the kids.  i would make a guess my sister inlaw and the gf are going as well.  i don't tell you all of this because i think i am a basket of biscuits, i tell you because i have poured my heart and soul into this family.  i didn't just marry a man, i married a family. whether they think that way or not, i did.  one brother and sister inlaw who live just a few hours away, are never really around and they just had their first child.  my other brother and sister inlaw (the ones that helped save my life) live about 9 hours away, and they are such amazing people.  they hold me accountable, but they love me, they support me and they see that i am not 100% to blame in this.  they have their own personal issues with things that have nothing to do with me and there is nothing i can do about that.  i even tried (still working on that co-dependency thing) to change their minds, because god forbid i don't still try and protect him from dealing with consequences.  how sick is that?  but they do, they love me and they remember what it was like with my sister inlaw but most importantly they know i am a good person trying to get well. 
today, i did not put myself in a shitty emotional position of being around my sister inlaw and the gf.  i called then went to my best friends and then i realized i shouldn't be completely alone on thanksgiving so i made new plans.  living in the solution is what those actions are called.  self care too.