Monday, May 30, 2011

a little humility

'we have a choice between doing what is right and what is easy. you are not alone, you have friends here'...dumbledore

total harry potter geek. but if you didn't know it came from a movie, or even a harry potter movie it makes sense.
sometimes doing the right thing is easy and sometimes not. 
the days ahead (one at a time though) will be difficult and i have the choice to do what is right or what is easy. pretty sure i've used up all my easy cards, and will be doing the right thing. maybe a few will be easy, i don't know.
sobriety changes everything and affects everyone. you hope in a positive way, however that isn't always the case. or maybe i could look at it as, it affects everyone and everything just the way it is supposed too.
with much certainty, i can say i do not like what is happening and the feelings (there is that damn word again) i must plod through.  i have to believe that this all is happening for a reason and i will be ok no matter the outcome.
would have been considerate of the ol' HP to have waited to through this at me a little later as i am still dealing with the loss of a parent. but, i don't get to make those choices or control these types of things.  all i know is it has to be done and i am trying with all my might, to handle the situation with restraint of pen and tongue, mean what i say, say what i mean but it say it nicely and to try and have some sort of grace.  anyone that knows me, knows i am not graceful in any sense of the word.  but here is to trying and being willing.
tomorrow is a new day and i look forward to waking up and seeing what it brings. period.
life goes on.

Monday, May 23, 2011

april showers bring more may showers

oh spring, how i used to love thee. now you can suck it. all this rain. great, good for the environment, plants, blah blah blah. horrible for the spirit. i'd live in Seattle or somewhere in Oregon if i wanted constant rain.  i'm hopeful this means a beautiful green, sunny summer. like the picture perfect new england summer. mid-eighties low humidity. aaaaah.
waiting for the sun to come out to get some more planting and redistribute some bulbs i needed to separate.  starting a small garden with broccoli, variety of peppers and tomatoes.  i have lettuce and herbs in containers already. if this garden goes well this year, then i will expand for next year.  i am really looking forward to a raised bed garden and letting the kids help. 
i feel like this will be an interesting summer. my first one sober in a while. again, since poppin out kids and what not. i will be sitting on the deck with ice tea not a cocktail.  i will go and do my run/jogs and not come home and slam a glass of wine, cause you know, that is real hydrating. i always wondered why gatorade never made a cabernet.
feels pretty good to want to take care of myself. try new things. i'd like to do a big paintball event for my 37th this year. it isn't until later, but i am already planning. i'd like to also really love to take the kids camping for a weekend or maybe a music festival. who knows. definitely some beach time. and if at all possible go to NH. i am yearning to get there. to go to the spot where i spread my moms ashes. to be in the white mountains, breathe in the clean crisp air. it is amazing to me how different i feel when i am in NH.  it really is my place of zen. i'd also like someone to take me on a motorcycle ride. i have always been afraid but i want to know what it feels like. i want to feel that adrenaline and know that i will be just fine. i want to go fishing. not on a boat mind you, baby steps. but a lake would be killer. boats and cruise ships are still floating coffins to me, but we'll get there. maybe. i don't have to over come every little fear. flying was a big one and if that is the only one i get over, then i consider that a success. i mean, you aren't going to catch me on those 4 seat planes, unless you club me over the head and handcuff me to a seat. that is just a flying coffin. never say never though.
anyway, guess this isn't a post about much. only what i am looking forward too. but i am enjoying the days as they come. some have been pretty...well..let's just say they have been 'growing' days. each day i'm sober, new things happen. new memories come back, some swell, some i'd like to crawl under a rock and rot, but i don't. life goes on. life happens. and i'm grateful to just be here and experience it all. the little things. i believe i shall  post a grateful list later, i haven't done so in a while. that is always a wonderful thing to see on 'paper'. 

Saturday, May 14, 2011

i love being sober

been a whole 14 days since i've written. i've been bloggin in my head, which is good and bad. so much going on, it is called life.
i got my 60 day chip (again). remember the relapse oh, say 60 days ago. odd this time around. i haven't been counting the days, marking the calendar, wondering what it would feel like. that may change once i get passed the 5 month mark because i haven't technically gotten there, but i don't think i'm going to feel different.  it really is just 24hrs at a time. whereas before, it was this 'oh god, can i do it',  now, since i've turned my entire will over to my higher power (meaning, manage my life period, not just the bad stuff), things are simplified. don't get me wrong, i get hysterically historical as my sponsor says. that's when something happens that is a past trigger that creates a hysterical reaction. and let's face it, the last month has not been rosie posies...yet somehow, i have ridden the waves of emotional fears and not drown. i walked on coals.
i am learning that truly i have been fear based my entire life. of course we all have fears, but when they take over your body feels like it is in the middle of  a bad alien body snatcher movie and it paralyzes your thinking, your reactions etc. it is crippling.  but i am getting it now. fears are feelings and feelings aren't facts. i'm not ready to jump out of a plane yet, but fuck, i flew sober for the first time in over 10 years and took a window seat too; take THAT mr. cabernet!  i am able to react appropriately a lot more now. i am able to speak more freely without fear of judgment. i count in this world and whether anyone else recognizes that, doesn't matter as long as i do. who gives a flying fig if someone thinks i'm too mushy, or too tough on my kids or has a dark weird sense of humor and is inappropriately dirty. what matters is, am i taking care of my side of the street? am i vigilant about 'cleaning house'? am i hurting people with my words or actions? and hey, this program leaves a lot of room for mistakes. cause guess what we're human.
another fact of life i am getting more comfortable with is letting things go (back to turning ALL of my will over to my higher power, not just the shit).  sometimes i don't like the answers i get from my HP and i will more than likely throw a tantrum. but if i do, i do it alone, don't hurt anyone, i get it out of my system then get on my knees and pray and say 'okay, not thrilled with what you want from me, but you know best so i accept what is happening'. i sound like i found jesus under the sofa cushion or something, but it's not about that. it's about truly believing there is something out there bigger than ourselves. for some it is god..others it's the program..for me it's the universe. the spirituality of this program is truly filling the deep dark hole inside of me. that's the thing about AA, it is about spirituality. it's not about being a cult. everyday, i ask my higher power to keep me away from a drink, do it's will through me, show me the path, and some other things depending on what is going on...and at the end of the night i get back down on my knees and thank my higher power for keeping me away from a drink. and there are days i'm on my knees just asking for patience and willingness.. no matter my day, no matter what is happening, it is imperitive that if i don't pick up that drink, then i really truly believe it has been a good day. it's that simple. i don't always like that because i could find a hundred reasons why it wasn't a good day, but rip it all down and at the end of it all...if that drink is still there and not in my body, then was a good fucking day.
getting back to the basics. not getting caught up. being in the moment. having an attitude of gratitude. a grateful heart will never drink and i sincerely believe that. and if i'm not feeling grateful, i call someone, or make a gratitude list. you can't be in a 12 step program and not work for it.
i have also come to realize that i thought i was the only one that had my story. i know that not to be true now. and what that does for me, is helps me let go of the false guilt and shame i've been holding onto for all these years. there was never anything wrong with me, things happened and i didn't have the coping skills or the right people to help me understand or explain what was going on. and it's okay. IT IS OKAY. little by slow i'm liking myself. i'm growing. i'm not so wrapped up in me. sure i can get like that, who doesn't, but i am not unique with my story. everyone's story, experiences are important no doubt, but our common denominator is that we chose alcohol to cope, to suppress, to numb, to come out of our shells, to form a facade because we didn't like who we were.
i'm happy to say, that for today, because i live for being present, i like myself. i'm feeling a little bit of pride in my strides. i'm feeling like this is the way out. i never have to drink again unless i want to. but why would i want to? there is no fun in the bottle for me anymore so for me to want to drink....well, it would be because my disease found a crack in my recovery. always vigilant. always remembering my last drunk. always remembering the people that have been in the program with me that have gone out and died. i lost a friend last week. came in the same time i did. he went 'out' and his mother found him dead the day before mother's day. that's what this disease does people. it will kill you and it doesn't care how great your recovery is going, as soon as you let your guard down, it will attack and take you down. i wanna live today.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

the 'f' word...fear

the past two days i have been working in the yard feverishly. for the first time in a very long time, i've been sober for spring. other times i was either pregnant, had a new baby or drunk. i did not drink while pregnant or nursing, for some reason it wasn't a big deal. but soon after i would get the ball rolling. so this is the first spring in a very long time i am sober and for that i am grateful.  i have finally scrubbed and scrubbed the deck. cleaned the deck furniture and am getting ready to put in a new bed for the hostas i'm going to be splitting up. i have said i was going to split up these plants forever and well, drinking came first.
i went to a great meeting this morning and have been reflecting ever since. i have come to the realization the i am absolutely filled with fear. i knew this, but i didn't really 'get it'. i'm scared of every thing. my biggest fear is being judged. i've talked before about being comfortable in my own skin and how i'd like to feel that one day. i want it so badly. i want to be able to stop worrying about things i can not control. slowly i am learning. but just thinking, how scared i am of every teeny tiny thing is insane and paralyzing. fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of loss, fear of making the right decisions, fear of disappointing others, fear of looking unattractive, fear of my body, fear of never being smart enough, fear of never being capable of doing anything correctly. how sad. i hope in time, each of those fears disappears, and i'm sure they will if i keep doing the work.
when  you are a perfectionist like myself (and i say that i am, but it is not in the traditional sense), the expectations i put on myself are unreasonable and anyone would fall short. i see that, i understand it, but learning to execute letting that go is something all together different. who do i want to be? what do i want to be? who is the real me? i just don't know. i don't know what i don't know. and i don't like that. all i do know is i'm an alcoholic in recovery. 
being sober this spring, i'm taking it slow. the fact i've done a few things outside is huge. really, for an alcoholic to complete a task is a big deal. keep it simple. break it down. be okay with the little things. i have to remind myself constantly of that. even if i think i've had a shitty day, if i didn't pick up a drink, it's a good day.
there are a lot of new things i want to try. i want to have the childhood i deserved. i want to let the inhibitions go naturally, not with a social lubricant. all in time i suppose. but for now, i'm glad i have at least gotten outside these last few days instead of sitting inside.