Friday, January 4, 2013

Pretty...Fat Girl

Like everything else I do, I eat in excess. They ain't lying when they say 'alcoholism is the disease of MORE!!'...WORD! Man, I do not know the word moderation. 

I finally got down to my target weight before relapsing in July. First time since highschool I felt good about my body.  I was struttin a bikini, short flowy dress...easy breezy! I ate so much in rehab because it was there. And kept on shoveling food when I got home.  For someone who is piss poor and waiting on food stamps, I look like Jaba The Huts human sister.  Of course it is cheaper to eat crappy but who am I kidding? I haven't bought anything healthy for myself.  I buy it for the kids but not for me. 

I don't want to go out and exercise when it is 20 degrees.  I also do not want to exercise inside.  I like exercising my taste buds, my jaw, my hand slip down my pants after I unzip them.  That is EXHAUSTING.  Wonder how many calories I burn by chewing? Oh my god, how great would it be if you burned the same amount of calories chewing your food as the actual food?

I have to do something.  I feel gross.  My chin needs its own scarf  for crying out loud.  I feel badly for my stomach (if it had feelings).  It has been little, big, bigger, huge, sorta big, less big, about right, bigger etc. its whole existence.  If it had the capacity to form thoughts it might look for another body to attach to because it never knows what it is going to be fed or for how long. 

I am so lazy, I just tell myself I will get back in shape without actually taking action.  That is how it was when I drank too.  I will quit and can quit so I will keep drinking.  Really one (me) could apply that to any part of their life if they are an alcoholic with the lazy character defect.  Taking action is through...being motivated.  I have never had motivation. Nope.  I quit before I even start because I just know I can't do it, or will fail or won't be good enough so I just don't bother.  That is totally normal? Heavy sarcasm. 

I could write more but off to get the little monkeys for a sleepover., I will get back to this, maybe.  Right after this steak and cheese...if I don't go into a food coma...again.  Whoa is that a lava cake??