Monday, January 16, 2012

why not me?

that is a phrase i have heard so many times in the halls.  instead of the why mes, why not me? 
i could a) change my thinking to: why not me and find a silver lining, pewter maybe or hell i'd go for a tarnished piece of metal or b) go ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT?  or c) all of the above.
i get life is life. even just spoke about it.  the muddy flood that is coming down from the pipes are suffocating to me, but i'm not unique there is at least a handful of people in the meetings that have been through something similar as me. maybe not all the same time, but i bet there is one around here who has. 

getting close to being separated from my husband for about a month. marriage counseling, check! individual counseling, check! in home therapy for one of the kids, check. finding your biological father's brother and sister then finding out you have two half first hearing how they were so excited that i found them ( i was only looking to find medical history, not looking for a huge family reunion) then within two days, the aunt and siblings want no contact with me whatsoever because of what my birth mother did. and that was she broke up their home and i am the result. i don't blame them. i don't know how i would feel. this all in about a 72 hour time frame (biological family). heavy shit. you do, you don't, you do, you don't want to acknowledge me. sure, a bit hurt but not surprised. but there is that hysterically historical trigger; abandonment.  I MEAN SHIIIIT...come on.  my husband announced and left the day after christmas (it was a total surprise)  then a few weeks later i was within 72 hours of being told how happy and excited people were to know i was alive and well to being told no contact with the half siblings and aunt. yeah, it stings. how can one not think they are creating this negativity? that they aren't doing something to deserve this? 
while originally furious with the husband leaving, it is the best for now.  the way he handled it was juvenile to say the least, but we are able to be cordial. then today happens. this by the way, is why i have been living minute to minute.  you slightly open up, completely honest and get a response that was honest, not said to be hurtful, but again, the big slash of muddy water as a truck drives by and almost pushes you backward with the force of the splash inertia. (i have absolutely no idea if that word would be appropriate there, but i love that word and i think it has to do with movement and i used it.) 

there absolutely HAS to be a reason i am experiencing so many new, different, uncomfortable, painful, yet some happy thrown in there series of events. here we go again waiting for the answer to be revealed when i am ready. must have faith in that, it has worked so many times in the past, therefore i know it exists. but can't a girl catch light???

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


i have no idear (North East thing) where to begin. from the time i picked up until now hasn't been all that long in the sands of time, but in this cracked up head of mine it feels like six months.

i have been in a shit storm without any rain gear. no lie.  no exaggeration. no pity party and no victamese. 
apparently, if your life wasn't torn apart while drinking, it can when  you get sober. i'm in a total  mind fuck.  i'm learning so much about myself and what my foundation is and how well it was constructed.  i'm still standing and i have not wanted a drink, that is a testament to my 12 step program. 

thank the universe for the 15 months i have in (not continuous), because i have 'heard' in those months. i just need to get out of the way.  doing the very best i can and setting boundaries and have given up trying to defend my right to be sober and stay sober. and no offense to those who think i am not balancing well.  the words are said out of love, but you aren't in recovery.  i can not expect you to know what you are saying is like asking a one month old to walk.  tolerance, willingness (hopefully grace), and the faith to know I WILL GET THROUGH, is making these weary legs move one foot in front of the other. 

it isn't even 24 hrs right now. it is minute by minute. and i'm okay with that.