Monday, March 28, 2011

not much

had a fantastic weekend. went to see grace potter with a really good new friend and we had a great time. quite different from the last time i went to see a show at 19 days sober and felt so completely alone and awkward and weird. no desire for a drink or even thought of one. also a good friend from high school came to visit with her friend to meet the family.  it was so great to have company and to cook and hang out.  i am really tired today. i don't think i've had a weekend this busy since christmas time.
anyway, things are good. i don't have much to say. mentally i think things are going as they should. i'm missing some people, but i guess that's what happens. it does make me sad knowing that me being sober and the ups and downs can and does push people away. i hate for that to happen and don't mean for it to, but it does and well, such as life.  suppose that is it for now. mentally wiped out. but overall well. :)

Monday, March 21, 2011


just wanted to say i am doing really well.  had a few crappy days, but that's how it goes. the good news is, not one desire to drink. i like that.
if i wasn't struggling with feelings and learning how to live, then i wouldn't be growing. so over a week of does suck to think those 5 hrs screwed up my date...i would have had 5mths on the 18th. but you know, it's okay. if i hadn't experienced those 5hrs, who knows what would be going on. so i'm just grateful.

Monday, March 14, 2011

give it away give it away give it away now

the embrace of support and love has been overwhelming....and then walks in the dick.
this particular person just couldn't help themselves and wanted me knocked back down.
saw this person in a morning meeting and they said some pretty negative things to me about my slip. okay, that is their opinion. as my father says 'opinions are like assholes, everyone has one'.  while i vehemently disagree with this person's opinion on how MY slip will affect ME considering this person only knows my name, not my story, or even had a conversation with me, it is their opinion.  but words hurt. words have hurt me more than anything in this world. not the physical, sexual abuse and sexual assault but the mental and emotional abuse. that's what sticks with me.  and of course this reminds me of the elementary saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'. not so true in my case. i'm working on it, but i'm not there yet.
this person was at my evening meeting. and before my meeting i prayed to my HP (actually got on my knees..i have heard get on your knees, but just learned that these people meant literally get on your knees...had NO clue it was because it's the most humbling position to be in while praying...i thought it getting on your knees was for other fun stuff..haha..a little humor folks)...but anyway, i got on my knees and prayed that when i spoke at the meeting that my message would be positive, share my experience of how a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix etc. and that i wouldn't speak with any anger or resentment toward the person who wasn't very kind (they were going to be at the meeting).  and my prayers were answered. i spoke my message of hope and of the lessons learned and i also said something that i never even realized until i was talking and that was; when i walked into AA, i walked in because i knew i needed help, i knew my drinking was out of control and that my life was unmanageable and i walked in out of guilt.  i didn't walk in thinking drinking wasn't fun. there have been many that have walked into the halls because they knew for them, there was nothing left in the drink for them, it wasn't fun. they were sick and tired of being sick and tired.  so my point is, that perhaps my slip was because i hadn't gotten the message that the drink wasn't fun, i had to get almost 5 mths of sobriety and hear the message of AA and learn about the disease a bit more to fully understand that the love is gone. i got that message loud and clear.  okay, back to the meeting. so i had decided prior to the meeting that i was going to talk to this person and tell them their words hurt me. i never stand up for myself. my intention was to just let them know; i had no expectations. i wasn't looking for anything. what i got was more knock downs and insults.'toughen the fuck up, your self centered (duh, i'm an alcoholic), but the stinger that set me off was as i was walking to my car they were in front of me with another person and they were bitching about me. out of no where (we alcoholics like confrontation even if we hate it), i say 'uh, yeah i'm right here and i can hear you. not appropriate'.  that set this person off on me. basically their message was i will never be the same because i slipped and that i have to start over (no shit i have a new sobriety date) but their point was my almost 5mths of sobriety doesn't count. doesn't count? how can it not count? i lived those days sober. i lived the joy and the pain and because i made a mistake doesn't make those days, those feelings just disappear. as a friend pointed out, it's like saying 'oh i drank for 20 years but i don't drink now so those 20 years never existed'.  who is this person to say i will never be the same for taking that drink(s) and that it will take me months to get back to where i was? don't assume shit people. yeah i won't be the same, but in a positive way, and it won't take me almost 5mths to get back because i learned something from that quick relapse. i learned a whole fucking lot.
so the best thing for me to do is/was ask my HP to take the anger, resentment and feelings of failure away. and so last night i got on my knees AGAIN, and prayed and asked for those things, and i even threw in a few prayers for the person.
so today is a new day, i gave it away, i harbor no resentment or anger today. i know that today, only i can say how i feel. those feelings are mine and no one can say they are wrong. they may make suggestions if i am thinking or feeling in an unhealthy way but not wrong. i talk to my sponsor, they let me know if i am going in the right direction. i talk to my HP, it lets me know if i am going in the right direction.  the words that person spoke were glue and i am rubber...what they say bounces off of me and sticks to them, cause i gave that shit away.

Friday, March 11, 2011


ratting myself out as they say.  i relapsed last night (3/10).  i have no reason or even know how it happened. i was on auto pilot. i bought the wine and i drank it. it tasted like poison and i felt like, well, i had one glass might as well have fun. cause that's what you do as an alcoholic, you just do it. and i did. and it was horrible. there wasn't a bit of fun to be found in that fucking bottle. the fun of alcohol is dead for me. my love affair ended. we broke up over the toilet as i was puking my brains out. i haven't puked from alcohol in years. YEARS. but you go for almost 5mths and take yourself out, it's bound to happen.  i woke up this morning and not only did i mentally feel like a piece of shit for picking up, i physically felt horrible. in the midst of my drinking, i called people in the program and ratted myself out to them, i don't know why, but maybe my higher power was like 'hey, if you are doing this, let's at least get you help for tomorrow'...that's how i have to look at it.  so anyway, i was laying in bed this morning thinking, omg, i haven't felt this way in almost 5mths and i used to wake up like this almost 7 days a week toward the end.
i made it to my morning meeting. waiting for me were people who knew, and wrapped me in their arms and showered me with love and hope. i had to tell the meeting i went out. there were some gasps, but not in horror or shame, just sadness because they know. 
after the meeting i talked to so many people who made sure i knew i was loved and supported and told me to put the bat down and don't beat myself up. today is a new day and i walked back into that door. i have to tell you that i have an overwhelming sense of relief and inner peace.  maybe picking up was the best thing i could have done for myself because now i know. i know in my heart of hearts drinking has lost it's luster. i have a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix.  so, i fucked up. i am human. but i picked myself up and walked back into that church basement full of shame and toxic blood but i left a woman burden free. i can't quite describe what it feels like.
what i get from this program is priceless. it's unconditional love. it's hope from people who may know you well, or maybe not. they care. they care about me because that's the gift of sobriety. they love me and will love me until i can love myself. they will hold me up if i let them. i don't have to do this alone and i don't have to feel like i'm burdening people when i'm hurting or sorting things out. believe in the fellowship is what i need to do. have faith in my higher power.
so i have a new sobriety date 3/11.  worst band ever. awesome.  but, it is the day before my oldest child's birthday. that is a gift. i had almost 5 months of sobriety but those months are still there. they don't disappear. so my date is different, but i won't let those 5 mths go, cause i worked hard. i felt feelings. and i may have just learned the most beautiful lesson thus far; i no longer look at alcohol as a lost lover. it is pure poison and i am just lucky enough that i have the most amazing friends who got me back in those doors in less than 24hrs of me picking up. forever grateful. i love them all so much.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

it will be okay

yesterday i was at a meeting when the topic turned to something so incredibly personal and painful. i was not expecting it, and it hit me right in the guts. there was a reason i was there and a reason i heard what i heard.  can't say that i was prepared or even wanted to go there because it hasn't been something i've even tried to delve into being sober.  but i didn't have a choice, it was right there in my face.

another one of the 'firsts' i talk about.  the thing about sobriety is, you don't get to chose when you want to deal or feel certain things; it just happens. that's where step three comes in handy if you can do it. that means giving it up/away to your HP and letting happen what is supposed to happen. let go of the control and hand your will over to your HP. it's not easy and it doesn't happen with a big neon sign that says "HAND IT OVER" or "YOU JUST DID STEP 3".  i say this because the other day, step 3 did happen and i didn't even know i had done it until it was pointed out to me by my sponsor. what an amazing feeling that was. that the program is slowly working through me. but back to yesterday. 

i was transported back to being 22 years old and to the day, the moment my mom died.  i'm not going into specifics but it was so painful and surprisingly not because of the death, but because of the broken record of my 'father's' words. they wouldn't stop playing in my head. i physically felt ill. it blows my mind how powerful words are and how long they stay with you. i was on the phone with my sponsor hysterical crying, screaming, acting completely irrational. i was that 22 year old. and thank the universe i have a sponsor who gets it, gets me and believes in me. boy did she inherit a mess when she agreed to be my sponsor, but it doesn't seem to scare her.  what i keep learning is, i am not the only one. not that i ever thought my story/past was special, i just had no idea that there are others out there that have endured worse or less than i have. it's called being self centered i suppose or just naive.  i have to keep remembering that feelings aren't facts, his words were his anger that he felt towards himself. they were misplaced on me. i got the brunt of everything that was wrong and nasty in his world. why? because he himself is an alcoholic and he didn't know any better. doesn't make it right, doesn't make my pain any less, but it does put me in a place where i can try and start to heal because what he said isn't true. i write that, but i don't believe it....yet.  it's going to take however long to get there, but i will get there. i will break this cycle. i will allow my children to grow into adults that don't have to re-live their childhood and try to have a happy one as an adult. 

letting control go feels impossible on a good day. but letting it go will allow me to be free. this is a fact. i'm not rushing the process because i can't, it isn't in my hands anymore. but i wouldn't mind a full 24 hours of just plain ol' nothing. a day that has no drama, no negative feelings, no new thing to deal with, no situations, no nothing. i guess i'm asking for 24 hours of peace. what i have learned is, you can't ask for that. you ask for the tools to get you to that point. if i'm just handed that 24hrs of peace, i won't have a clue of how i got it; i have to understand the process of getting there. so that's what i will do.  i won't drink today. i will talk to my HP today.  i will go to a meeting today.  and i will do my best to let things fall where they may. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


hypochondria has set in. i am in fear i've done some serious damage to my liver and its ability to function properly. not going into it at the moment cause it is fear based even though i am exhibiting symptoms. i will need to make an appt. w/ my dr. should be a fun appt. 'oh yeah, you know how you asked how much i drank a week and said more than 7/8 per week was the MAX, and i said, that maybe i drank that much; well i was lying to you the whole time'. that should be a hoot. nothing like being a grown ass woman and having to tell another grown ass woman that not only you are in recovery for alcohol but you are also a liar. good times lay ahead. the dreaded question of  'how much were drinking' will come next and quite frankly i can only recall the last few months of that, not the two/three years prior. i can't wait. 'supose this is taking accountability for my past actions. how humiliating.
i've got my drama queen crown on today. i just feel whoa as me, and the crazy part of it all is i had a good day until 4pm. nothing like a light switch turning your moods/emotions on and off. could we lose power on this one?
dear god, i think i need to be on some serious anti-psychotic drugs.  or just put out to pasture and die. i am really just not diggin' today. oh well. fuck it.