Friday, November 26, 2010

Family is Family

oh man.  yesterday was not your typical thanksgiving. in fact, i had never in my life had one like the one i had.

wednesday when i had the issue with my asshole neighbor about leaves (he left the nasty note, i went over nicely to see what was up and it erupted into a screaming match with me calling the cops; in short) it sent me into a head spin.  i still had not been to a meeting since sunday and KNEW my butt needed to get to one and my plan was to go. but i didn't; and that is my own fault. well, this confrontation with the neighbor had me so upset from wednesday afternoon all the way through most of yesterday.  the main reason i was so angry was his verbal attack on me and my husband when he doesn't even know us. it should not have mattered, but it did.

i made it to a meeting thursday morning, but it wasn't a typical meeting setting which was fine but i didn't really listen. my head was too busy dissecting every crazy thing that had happened. my body was still full of venom; his and mine.  not having any alcohol in my system it is easy for me to take on someone's energy because my spirit is like a sponge.  it has so many openings and it able to function correctly by adsorbing instead of resisting. i left the meeting when it was over more confused and conflicted than ever. my anger and resentment was compounded. i had been working so hard on changing my attitude about the holidays and here i had allowed this jerk to change those attitudes.  i didn't want to go to my family's house, because i didn't want to pretend everything was okay when it was not, but i also didn't not want to isolate because that isn't healthy either.  the plan was for my husband to go down early with the kids, i get ready then come later. 

i had put in a call to my sponsor and a friend looking for guidance.  my sponsor wasn't able to return my call until later, which i'll get to in a minute.  here i sit crying over and over and now i didn't even know every reason why i was crying.  and it dawned on to your higher power you idiot.  i got out my 30 day coin and talked and talked...probably a good half hour.  as soon as i shut my mouth the phone rang and it was my sponsor. 

we talked and talked and she encouraged me to go back to a meeting and if i didn't make it to thanksgiving it was okay because i HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF....the energy that i had expended in almost a 24 hour period had wiped me out.  i can't explain it.  i called the place that was having the all day meetings and asked if i wasn't a part of a commitment group could i still speak and they said sure...i explained i had been there earlier but i didn't think i was allowed to talk. fast forward, i go to the meeting and got it all out of my system...ended up staying for another meeting then talking to a group of women.  and that's when the second half of my miracle happened.

this older lady looked at me and said, you went looking for a fight. i was dumbfounded. what in the hell was she talking about? i went to the neighbor nicely to ask why he wrote the note and he could have just come to talk to us...she said no you didn't, you were pissed and you wanted a fight; that's what we do as alcoholics. i just stared at her. it made no sense. i went on to explain that yes, i did in fact lose my cool after he verbally assaulted me and threatened my property but no, i had no plan on having a fight with him. she and another woman said again, yes you did; you just didn't know it.  they told me to go home and read chapter 3 in the big book.  holy crap.  anger and resentment is alive and well inside of me and i had no idea. NONE. 

i want to back up and tell you about the first half of my miracle...when i went to the first meeting , i had the time screwed up and there was this guy outside of the building. i asked him about the meeting times etc and we struck up a conversation. he asked if i was okay and i said no and the tears began to flow. he said stick around for the meeting...that was the meeting i didn't really listen to when i was when i called to check on times and to see if i could speak, this familiar voice answered...i said, i am really suffering right now and i have already been there once today but it didn't help me, i want to come back but i've got to talk and get some stuff off my chest. he said come back, you can always talk.  when i walked in the room, guess who was sitting at the head table, the man i had met earlier that morning.  after a woman started speaking, he said if there was anyone here that needed to talk to feel free to raise your hand.  well, of course mine shot up like a firework....and out i poured my self loathing for letting that idiot screw up my day...

i did not make it to the big family thanksgiving. i spent my day doing damage control on myself. by doing so i had a a miracle happen.  if i had not met that man earlier in the parking lot, had he not answered the phone he would not have known it was me that called when i walked in and knew how badly i was hurting....if i hadn't spoken at that meeting, these women would not have called me out on what the real issue was and directed me to written words to help me understand what was really going on inside of me.  so while i did not spend thanksgiving with my traditional family, i spent it with family and am so very grateful.  so so very grateful. 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Save me a seat

i haven't been to a meeting in a few days and i can feel it.  i'm getting a bit 'wiggy' because meetings keep me grounded. i don't have a desire or craving for a drink, but i do have the desire and craving for a meeting; to be around people that understand. 

having a family and it being close to the holidays, sometimes we forget to put ourselves first.  in the past few days, i've slipped a little with that and i feel the residual affects.  i am a bit more anxious, less serene, a tad crabby.  the good news is, i know it is because i haven't gotten my butt in a seat and listened.  i need to be reminded that i'm an alcoholic even though i feel good and don't physically crave the alcohol. 

this time of year, my excuse for drinking is all the chaos and the energy levels. i'm very sensitive to energy and not having that nervous system depressant to take down the energy levels that i feel internally, is going to take some strength and inner feelings of peace; that is why i need a meeting.  they are my medicine.  so, today i will get my butt to a meeting and tomorrow morning do the same.  and i can guarantee i will feel better. it's that simple!

Friday, November 19, 2010

laugh laugh laugh away

not sure i have too much to say today.  overall i am feeling great. each day is a little more clear. each day gets a little teeny tiny bit better. the holidays don't sceeeere me anymore so that's cool.  i've got nothing to complain about. well, that's a big fat lie, i do, but anything i would complain about really is not important in the big picture we call life. i am pretty grateful these days, especially the small things. small things got lost when i was drunk so it's like rediscovering all these treasures. know what i am enjoying the most right now? laughing. i have been laughing a lot the past few days. laughing so hard it hurts. but it is real laughter. like i have said before, i would laugh before but my laughter now is different. i have no idear (rhode island accent) how to describe it really...except for that it's sincere, honest and for realsies.  and you know what else? i'm smiling at people. i feel like wheezer from steel magnolias when she says 'i saw drum eaton at the piggly wiggly today and i SMILED at the son of a bitch'.  i don't know if it's me doing the initial smiling or i am just now actually seeing people smile at me. or maybe it is because i am actually making eye contact. hell, i don't know. maybe i should keep a smile log (cause i have nothing else to do with my time) and make some kind of fancy chart of me to stranger smile ratios. i wonder what would happen if i smiled at someone and they didn't smile back and i just stood there smiling until they smiled?  i'd probably get my lights knocked out or hauled off to butler.  or maybe the person would just crack up at the sight of some dummy standing there with a big dopey grin staring at them. for thought.  i suppose that is it for now. gotta get back to laughing!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

30 days one day at a time

i am the proud owner of a red chip today. the red chip signifies my 30 days of sobriety. i can not believe it. i really truly am in shock and disbelief.  30 days of not having my crutch, my go to gal, my counselor, my stress reliever, anxiety is a good day. for the first time in a VERY long time, i can honestly say i am proud of myself. i am changing little by little and all for the better.  30 days may not sound like much, but in my world it feels like a lifetime. i earned that red chip with hard work, self assessment, tears and laughter.  i have more to do, but i can do it with a bit more confidence, a bit more courage and a bit more of loving myself.  no one ever said change was easy, but nothing wonderful ever is!

today i will not drink so that tomorrow i have the same choice.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Get out the garland......

what a swell weekend.  so much accomplished on many levels.  it is still amazing to me how much more productive i am sober.  i mean, some people can drink and get a bug up their jug and get all crazy with the productiveness, not me. and i noticed too that i am laughing a lot more. i laughed a lot before, but i am finding more humor in life. cause let's face it, life is pretty damn funny and if you live a crazy life, might as well embrace the crazy with a sense of humor, no? 

i went to a beginners meeting last night. not my first one, but i usually don't get too much out of these meetings for a variety of reasons.  but last night, there was a definite reason i was there.  we read something that was pretty powerful, listened to someone's story which was equally powerful and i met a woman who, like me, decided she needed help and came to a meeting, alone and for the first time.  it was such a real pleasure to reach out to her and honestly say 'i know how you feel'.  there aren't many things in life where you can completely relate to another person.  but when you can relate and somehow provide support and maybe a little comfort it feels great.  seeing this woman reminded me of walking into that first meeting.  granted that was only 29 days ago so it is uber fresh, but still....i felt the fear, uncertainty, but 'want' for change.  quite powerful. 

also this weekend, i have shifted my thinking  about the holidays.  i've been fearful and paralyzed about all of it really, and not just the drinking but all that goes into the holidays.  one of the cog shells in my brain turned, and it moved me toward positive thinking.  there is only one thing i can't do...and that is drink.  THAT IS IT! i can do anything else i want. how fucking amazing is that? i can enjoy the decorating, i can enjoy the cooking, i can look forward to the chaos (okay, that might be exaggerating), i can look forward to waking up christmas morning fresh and in the moment.  what an amazing gift.  i can laugh, i can do a gosh darn jig if i want.  i don't need no stinkin' alcohol to have fun and enjoy what is going on around me.  and listen, this is about me and no one else.  i really don't care if someone else drinks. there is absolutely NO judgment on that.  all that matters to me, is that i don't drink.  this will be the first holidays in four years that i don't get down with my nemesis (no, not kelly bates) but alcohol.  it's crazy, it's know, when you think about the fact that chemically, my body doesn't produce an enzyme that breaks down the alcohol therefore feeds the fuel to drink more, it takes the pressure off.  i haven't gotten to where i am not blaming myself, and i will get there in time.  yet, i know this is a disease and that concept is slowly penetrating my thinking; which is a good thing.  that gives me strength. 

today i don't drink so that tomorrow i don't drink.  and tomorrow will be 30 days. 30 mother fucking days.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Just call me Sybil

today rocked. quite different than yesterday.

i'm just going to embrace all these ups and downs and different people i am right now that will hopefully morph into one spectacular mama.   yeah, that's all i have for today.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Never liked me a roller coaster

 wake up feeling like a million bucks. on top of the world with a cherry on top. then BAM....saddest, angriest girl in the world. who knew that holiday shopping could piss you off? i mean, we know it can piss you off when it's crowded, snotty sales people, perfume nazis in the front of the stores, but none of that happened today. it was the decorations, sales, and festive music playing that made me want to set an elf on fire. why you ask? because it is a reminder that the holidays are here. it is a reminder that everything will be different this year. different is good, but i don't like major changes or transitions.

after going to a few stores i got into my car and was completely paralyzed. literally staring at my phone sitting there in the parking lot. what was i doing there? where was i going? tears began to well up but i brushed it off as being weak. grow some balls i thought to myself. off i drive to the dreaded mall in search of christmas outfits for the kids. couldn't find a thing except for happy people and more decorations and sales. cripes! on the verge of running into traffic, i text my wonderful friend to see what she is doing.  we made a date at the super store of all things expired and cheap, Big Lots.

we meander through BL so she could find a tree skirt and i was looking for some pots to replant some plants. friend 1 me 0.  we go to lunch. had a delightful turkey club yet a more serious conversation.  it was good to just talk.  neither one of us had topics filled with joyful dialogue, but it felt good to connect.  after lunch i decide just to go home. 

once home and things had settled down, i turned into a blubbering fool.  i was just pissed and sad. there really aren't ways to describe it unless you are in the 'program' (sounds super special doesn't it?). but i was pissed that i couldn't have a glass of wine with lunch, which would have been the norm for me. i was pissed at myself for getting to the point where i can't have a glass of wine. i was sad thinking i will never drink again. and damn, if i've heard it once i've heard it more than once, 'don't tell yourself you will never drink again, it is too overwhelming. you tell yourself you will not drink today'.  today i couldn't tell myself that. don't worry, i didn't drink, but i couldn't stay in the present and keep it just for today.  i started snowballing and the anxiety level was at a level close to a panic attack.  i called my sponsor.  she says everything i'm feeling is normal. normal? really? i feel like a fucking freak show. i start the day fine and then next thing you know i'm ready to set elves aflame...she said her sponsor told her in the beginning of her sobriety (she will have 23 yrs on monday) that when you cry like that, it means you are changing and that the first year is a roller coaster.  ya'll better hold on to your hats, cause i'm either going to be a blubbering freak show or a raging bitch.  i am that box of chocolates forrest gump talks never know what you are going to get....except a sober me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Champagne Wishes and......

yesterday was a good day.  went to a great meeting then my part time job.  my part time job is so wonderful and it always puts me in a good place, even if i have a crappy morning, when i get there and do what i do, i always leave feeling great. 

when i got home i had a zillion things to get done to prepare for the rush hour of activities before bed time, but i was absolutely exhausted.  the night before my bladder woke me up at 3am and i couldn't go back to sleep.  i may start wearing a pull-up to bed if that continues.  racing around getting laundry done, making dinner, snacks, correcting homework, eat dinner, two soccer practices in two different locations, home, get kids ready for bed then getting myself calmed down and ready for some sleep. 

like i've mentioned before, sleep is on and off these days and dreaming is a new thing.  in the very first two weeks i had several dreams about drinking.  the realistic nature of these dreams would wake me up in a complete state of panic. did i really take a drink and don't remember? if i did, when did i do it? did i tell anyone? all these things race through my mind and caused a cold sweat.  no, i had not had a drink.  these dreams are completely normal and can happen from time to time.  last night i had another one. 

with the holiday season approaching, i am a bit nervous. not terrified, but nervous.  again, i am not physically craving a drink, but this is another time of year that i would usually justify any reason to drink. actually any time i would justify a drink, but this time of year, social drinkers are more visible and well, i would just try and blend in. 

my favorite thing around the holidays is champagne.  i love champagne.  in fact i used to have a ritual called 'champagne thursdays'...yes, it's exactly what you think....i would drink champagne every thursday.  for some reason i stopped that, but i can't remember why.  champagne is one of those drinks that makes me feel special, makes me feel like i'm not 'really' drinking.  i love the little bubbles, i love the way my stemless champagne flutes feel in my hand and i love the buzz it gives me.  yet, waking up the next day with a champagne hangover is the worst.  my head would feel like a ball-ping hammer was hitting on both temples simultaneously, the sweaters on my teeth were horrible and there was nothing i could put in my body to substantially hydrate myself. utter horror the next morning. even though i knew how i would feel the next morning, in my twisted mind i never thought champagne would turn on me.

my dream last night sheds some light on my subconscious right now; at least i believe it does.  i was at a holiday function and sober, still working the program etc.  but someone offered me a glass of champagne. i thought really long and hard about whether to take the glass.  does champagne really count? would i have to start all over if i just had one glass? in my dream i could taste it, smell it and feel the effervescent bubbles tickling my nose. would anyone really consider that one teeny tiny little glass picking up? i told myself no, they wouldn't count that one glass, so i kindly accepted the glass and savored every drop.  i put down my glass and immediately felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame.  i did not want another glass and i wanted to run out of wherever i was before anyone noticed i drank.  i could feel the self loathing rising; how could i have had that one glass? had i not learned anything?

upon waking this morning, i recalled my dream and just sat there in bed feeling so guilty.  quickly i reminded myself that it was only a dream. i had not picked up.  as i sit here and type this, i know that i need to be ever vigilant this holiday season.  if i need to go to two meetings a day, call someone every hour, i am going to do it.  i refuse to throw 24 days of hard work away.  i can't worry about if i'm going to drink thanksgiving day i can only think about today. every day i wake up, i will talk to my higher power and i will ask for guidance and go from there.  today though, i will not drink.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Awww quit your projecting!

cheese and rice...started off the day in a serious funky pickle.
i just returned home from one of the best meetings i have ever been to.  it isn't one i normally go to, but i needed a meeting.  i should back up and say that i have been talking to the universe today like a coked up whore on christmas. and guess what? IT WORKED! no, not all of my problems are solved, but i have learned quite a bit today by reaching out and listening. there was a reason i was able to go to this meeting. there was a reason my sponsor answered when i called. there was a reason a very important person called me this morning and made me laugh but also validated what i was feeling.  keep it simple. that is a hard concept for someone with anxiety issues. all we do is live in our head and try and project what is going to happen then obsess about it over and over...i call it snowballing.  i have the heard the phrase over and over 'don't or try not to project'...'just think about today'.  to tell an anxiety ridden person that is like telling mama cass not to eat that sammich'.  BUT, i expended so much energy today talking to the universe and believing and trusting that if i am patient, something, someone, some situation will present itself to me.  i do realize it won't always happen in a way i may think, so i try not to have any expectations on when and how it happens. but i can tell you that if you expect a miracle it will happen. i'm not a christian but i don't think you have to be christian to believe in miracles...i've always believed in niece for instance is one.  anyway, although my reason for sadness today hasn't been resolved, my spirits have been lifted and i am once again reminded that i am doing the right thing for the right reason.  i am grateful.

Surrendering to the unravel....

i wish today i could say that i woke up with a feeling of joy. but i did not.  my heart is heavy. i feel as if i am wearing a really badly knitted sweater that got caught on a sharp metal object and as i walk towards doing the right thing, i am unraveling. and quickly at that.

being of a clear mind is wonderful but also painful. anyone that knows me, knows that i am an introspective person, analytical, reflective and alll and all thinker. that is my mental make up. i can not change that.  what i can change is letting go and leaving it up to my higher power as i see it, to take the lead and learn to follow. this my friends is not at all easy.

i talked to my higher power it praying, whatever. i believe in the universe and i believe in energy and karma and all of those things mixed together. i've asked for help. i ask for help every day. what is difficult is trusting in it. believing that even though i am doing the right thing by not taking a drink doesn't mean that i am still not going to suffer. and i am suffering today. i don't want a drink. i don't have a craving for a drink. i have a craving for mental relief, which in the past was the excuse for drinking.

i didn't become an alcoholic over night. in fact as i continue to stay sober, i can see that i have been an alcoholic for quite some time, and there are many different types of alcoholics.  when i first started telling people, most were shocked and would say 'are you sure'?. my answer was yes.  how do i know this? i know this because i am now at the point where i do not know what will happen if i pick up a drink. can i have one, two or 1,000.  i was sneaking alcohol, i was lying about my drinking and i couldn't manage my life without having a drink. i had played the mental games of,  'oh, i'll just drink on weekends, or i will only drink after 5'. i tried so very hard to put limits on my drinking and absolutely could not do it. i have no idea when i decided or how i rationalized drinking the way i did, the amount or the times of day; i just did it without thinking. now i have to constantly think, you can't have that drink; it isn't worth it. and in my heart i know that to be true. 

where do i go from here? i know i can't pick up, i know i can't numb myself, i know i have to be honest. have you ever been really honest with yourself? one of those moments when you will admit you feel something then immediately deny it in your head? i don't have that option anymore if i was to get well and stay there. so that leads to some serious inventory taking on my life. serious. i have the fight or flight thing going on right now. i don't want to fight but i want to run like hell (it's a good thing i'm out of shape or i probably would!). in A.A. they tell you, just because you are sober doesn't mean life is all roses, it just means that you are dealing with life and you have to deal with it without a drink. that makes me wanna kick a kitten right now. but i am doing it.

i was always a social drinker, then it evolved into a daily drinker then eventually an all the time drinker. i am a stay at home mom. my job while my choice, can be absolutely boring as hell, mundane, repetitive, exhausting etc. i don't get sick days, i don't get vacation time, i don't get a paycheck, i don't get a lot of things, especially recognition sometimes. what i do get, is the ability to be with my kids. sometimes that is good other times not so much. but any parent will tell you that. being a parent is the most incredible thing in the world but it is also the hardest thing you will ever do. the responsibility of shaping these little spawns into self supporting, kind, loving adults is a crap shoot. there is no manual here. there is no guarantee that what you teach them they will use for good and not evil.  all you can hope for is that when the time comes to make the right choices, they will and if not, at the very least learn from their mistakes.  folks, that is a lot of pressure on a parent. you love these little suckers more than life itself yet you know you don't have control of them. if you think you do, you are kidding yourself. they control themselves, what we can do is teach them the tools to control themselves in a positive way. anyway, when i started to drink very heavily and sneak, i did it for many reasons. some i knew right away, and some it's gonna take a lot of digging to find out why.  but at the time, i thought, what's the big deal. drinking wine and folding laundry is fine. drinking wine while cleaning the bathroom is more interesting. seriously, none of those things are fun but with a few pops in me, i didn't mind doing them even though i knew that at some point all my hard work would be undone.  fast forward a bit...i woke up on the morning of oct. 18th and decided i did not want alcohol to control me any longer. i made that decision on my own free will, i was not forced, it was me that said enough is enough.  i called the local A.A. office and asked about a meeting.   my first meeting was that thursday. i walked into that meeting alone, terrified and on the verge of a panic attack.  i made it three steps in before the tears started flowing. i couldn't stop. a woman sat next to me and was a major comfort.  i listened to everyone that spoke. and i kept crying. when it was time to get chips for the length of sobriety, i wasn't about to go up for the 24hr one. the woman next to me said 'you should go up, there is no shame here'. so i stood up and walked to the front to get my chip. about 50 people stood up and clapped. they clapped for me. it was an overwhelming feeling to know these people who i did not know were genuinely happy and proud of me.  i must admit after that i have contemplated getting an applause machine, cause hey, who doesn't like a standing ovation?

today i will not drink. today i will go though another pile of shit i have created and take responsibility for it. today i will ask for help. today i will try my best to be patient and wait for the answers to become clear. today i will take care of myself. 

i feel helpless in a way, yet surrendering is the only way to become stronger.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

21 days sober today. 
at some point i will write about how i got to the point of wanting to be sober, to let alcohol go and not control me anymore. but for now, i will tell you where i am.

21 days sounds awesome right? it is and it isn't. do i want a drink? not this second. do i feel it was easier to deal with life when i was drinking? sometimes. but i know that is not the truth.  i am in the phase of sobriety where i am having super highs and super lows. ever heard of PAWS? post acute with drawl. fucking sucks donkey balls is what it is. my sleep cycle is all wompycocked...there is no consistency. i'm no narcoleptic, but i might be on my way. i never know when the overwhelming tiredness is going to hit. with three young children, sleep options are my enemy.  the other day i was up and going at 4:30 am. even hit up the grocery store.  last night i was in bed asleep by 6pm up at 10pm back asleep at 12:30am. it is reminiscent of being pregnant. except this time it isn't hormones it is my central nervous system trying to straighten itself out.  the other sucky thing about this PAWS is i can't remember anything for more than about 3 nano seconds.  at first i truly thought i was going crackers. i would unlock my car with my keys, put my purse in then wouldn't be able to find my keys. it took me 20 minutes to locate them. i can't remember if i took my medication, i can't remember a sentence i just read. i spell like a second grader to begin with, but i haven't even been able to spell cat and about feeling like an idiot.  at one point i thought, damn, i was more organized as a drunk than a sober drunk.  thank god for sponsors. come to find out, this is all normal. what is so scary is that i have done that much damage to my body. you don't think about your nervous system when your getting loaded, you may think about your liver function after going on bender, but never your nervous system. i am here to tell ya, alcoholism affects so much more.  hopefully these symptoms will go away sooner than later, right now i have to be patient. i'm not patient. i want instant gratification. the only instant gratification you get from sobriety is knowing you didn't drink and you aren't hungover. everything else about sobriety takes work. it doesn't just 'happen'.  listen, i've only got 21 days, i am shooting for a lifetime. easy does it, first things first, one day at a time etc.  all great sayings from A.A. i think i will make a note card for my purse that has those sayings on them when i get impatient and frustrated.  
to tell the truth, the past couple of days have been craptastic. not knowing if you are going to be full of energy, tired, happy, sad, angry can kiss my grits. but guess what? that's called sober living. before, any of those feelings would justify a drink in my head. oh look, it's raining, i should have some wine.  oh, my kids are stressing me out, i should have a bottle of wine.  oh look, we have 3 dollars in our bank account, i should go charge 2 bottles of wine and 3 nips of vodka. and before long, i didn't feel a thing but being drunk...guilt, anxiety and shame.  right now, i can wake up in the morning and not feel guilt or anxiety or shame because i did not take a drink.  i may feel those things as a result of my previous behaviors, but that again, takes time to process, understand then let it go. 
i went to a concert the other night.  went to see michael franti. very uplifting spiritual music for me. i met three girlfriends there who know my story and are very supportive.  at one point we were making our way to the floor and this kid (probably early 20s) says something to me..i couldn't hear him, so i said 'excuse me'?...then he says something to the effect of 'what are you doing, keep moving, where do you think you are going'?...he was either drunk, high or an asshole, either way, i paid just as much money to be there as he, i got right in his face and said 'i've got 19 days of sobriety under my belt, don't fuck with me'. his girlfriend looked at me and said 'everything is cool, enjoy the show'. okay, why was i telling you this? see, i can't remember squat. hold on...oh okay, i'm dancing and a certain song is being sung and i just lost it right there...with all these people...bawling. his music hit my soul so hard. i felt his words and music in my bones. my crying was cathartic and a bit of a spiritual awakening for me. fast forward a bit...the energy of the crowd was getting to be a bit much for me. i've always been open to energy and now without a nervous system depressant flowing through my veins, i was on overload.  i went to the back of the venue and danced and listened. here were all these people yet i felt alone. i'mi'm tired of typing now. maybe more later.