snapped

relapse. one drink and i am no longer me. one drink and i have no concept of reality. this time i overdosed on pills. not because i wanted too but because that first drink, i lost my sanity.
i was strapped down to a gurney. i tried to eat the rest of the pills in the hospital. i was belligerent. my blood pressure and heart rate were so low i was on the verge of heart failure. i pulled out ivs. i came to again in a locked down security section of the er.( i only all of this because i was told, i was in an utter blackout and only remember very small pieces). i was committed and wait listed for the nut house. fortunately there weren't going to be any beds available and after talking to a million people they let me go after 34 hours instead of the 72.
i almost lost the chance to hug my kids again. third relapse and the progression almost killed me. i have worked so hard but i haven't truly surrendered i suppose. i thought i had. i thought i had. i don't know how to surrender my will.. i am thick headed and stubborn and haven't gotten the program. they say keep coming until the program gets you.
the day i was released from the hospital i drug my sorry ass to a meeting. i knew if i didn't, there was no way i would go back. ever.
i am still in shock i did what i did, but i know it wasn't me. i can't stress enough how horrible this disease is and how badly it wants you dead. how much it tells you that you don't have a disease. one drink almost killed me.
i have been surrounded, enveloped and smothered with love from my people. it is what is keeping me afloat right now.
i don't want to die. i truly, truly don't. but one drink and all bets are off; i become someone who doesn't, can't and won't fight to live. i don't care period. i was willing to let my kids wake up and find me dead. that's what alcohol does to me.
know matter what is happening in my life, i can't drink. i have been through fucking hell since october. the pain unbearable at times. i have outside help. i have inside help. yet i can't stop once i start. i am absolutely terrified and scared for myself more than i have ever been and i sincerely hope monday was my bottom. because if not and i relapse again, my bottom will be without a doubt, death.

disgust

i am about to snap like a twig.
i am living in hell.
insanity. chaos. flip flopping.
in a pressure cooker. i really am a fucking mess. a sober mess. but a mess. i want some fucking peace. i don't like these feelings. not because i'm uncomfortable with them, but because i used to thrive off them and i don't anymore.
i am fighting a battle without any weapons. i am up to my thighs in thick, dark, gooey muck with weights tied around my ankles trying to make so headway. oh my god. make this stop. MAKE IT STOP.

spreadin the mess

i am so tired. mentally and physically. 
i have cervical cancer. yep, you read that right.  i can't give you an exact stage. i was hesitantly given one but the doctors said they really won't know until my surgery march first. they will be going in very aggressively and taking out most of cervix. what i can tell you they could see it was cancer from the colposcopy results.
i have been very positive about all of this as i believe mind, spirit and body are all connected and i want to be sure to keep balanced. right now i am at the top of the see-saw and the bolder is at the bottom and i'm stuck and can't move.
i am basically raising my three kids alone. yes, the husband sees them and takes them one night over the weekend, but i am basically doing it all. so much has happened since i last wrote, and i wish i could write that it is all wonderful and positive. the shit fairy has stopped at my house and hasn't left. 
i feel like part of my soul is gone. i am actually starting to feel physical pain from the cancer which i didn't expect. i don't know why, i just didn't. over tired, stressed, run down, emotionally drained, and am wishing upon a star my mom was here.
i wish she could come up and stay with me. rub my ear, tell me it will all be okay. help me with the kids, take me to my surgery, and just well....take care of me. but she is no longer on this earth, so i hope for her spiritual guidance through all of this.
i am finding great inner strength that i didn't have which does feel really great. but the burden of life has me hunched over and sore. my heart, my soul, my head, my body are all sore. i cry so much i can't believe i haven't lost a tear duct in the process, or that i can even produce more tears. 
i will make it through the best way i can. i have amazing friends that support me, love me and keep me going. i need to focus on what i have and not on what a don't have, which is the person i have been with for 15 years. he is no longer the man i married and it has nothing to do with 'just growing' apart.  much more complicated and layered.
i will find some hope today. i will stay on my path, that has become the high road. i will continue to do the next right thing. i will continue to be in constant contact with my HP. i will continue to forgive myself. i will pray for others. i will do the best i can. i ask anyone that reads this to please send healing and loving vibes our way; especially to my children who are really the ones getting screwed here. xo