Friday, February 17, 2012

snapped

relapse. one drink and i am no longer me. one drink and i have no concept of reality. this time i overdosed on pills. not because i wanted too but because that first drink, i lost my sanity.
i was strapped down to a gurney. i tried to eat the rest of the pills in the hospital. i was belligerent. my blood pressure and heart rate were so low i was on the verge of heart failure. i pulled out ivs. i came to again in a locked down security section of the er.( i only all of this because i was told, i was in an utter blackout and only remember very small pieces). i was committed and wait listed for the nut house. fortunately there weren't going to be any beds available and after talking to a million people they let me go after 34 hours instead of the 72.
i almost lost the chance to hug my kids again. third relapse and the progression almost killed me. i have worked so hard but i haven't truly surrendered i suppose. i thought i had. i thought i had. i don't know how to surrender my will.. i am thick headed and stubborn and haven't gotten the program. they say keep coming until the program gets you.
the day i was released from the hospital i drug my sorry ass to a meeting. i knew if i didn't, there was no way i would go back. ever.
i am still in shock i did what i did, but i know it wasn't me. i can't stress enough how horrible this disease is and how badly it wants you dead. how much it tells you that you don't have a disease. one drink almost killed me.
i have been surrounded, enveloped and smothered with love from my people. it is what is keeping me afloat right now.
i don't want to die. i truly, truly don't. but one drink and all bets are off; i become someone who doesn't, can't and won't fight to live. i don't care period. i was willing to let my kids wake up and find me dead. that's what alcohol does to me.
know matter what is happening in my life, i can't drink. i have been through fucking hell since october. the pain unbearable at times. i have outside help. i have inside help. yet i can't stop once i start. i am absolutely terrified and scared for myself more than i have ever been and i sincerely hope monday was my bottom. because if not and i relapse again, my bottom will be without a doubt, death.

3 comments:

  1. I have been reading your posts Sober Mama and felt compelled to write. I read a lot of me in your posts and I do hope you are ok. I too can't stop when I start and vino is my poison also. Try seeing your GP for some anti d's, just something to take the edge off. Blessings, K

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  2. Hi Sober Mama--I am also a sober mama. I blog too-- my blog is recoveringk.blogspot.com I am not sure if you are working a program or not? I hate the word program because it sounds just downright scary but you need sober support and lots of it. I quit the vino before kids but I know how hard it is to manage all things mommy without any chemical help. Honesty, openmindedness, willingness. My contact info is on my blog site if you want to email or chat. xxx Karen

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  3. Hi Karen,
    Have not blogged since this last one...going to blog today. Much has happened. Thank you for all your kind words!

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