snapped

relapse. one drink and i am no longer me. one drink and i have no concept of reality. this time i overdosed on pills. not because i wanted too but because that first drink, i lost my sanity.
i was strapped down to a gurney. i tried to eat the rest of the pills in the hospital. i was belligerent. my blood pressure and heart rate were so low i was on the verge of heart failure. i pulled out ivs. i came to again in a locked down security section of the er.( i only all of this because i was told, i was in an utter blackout and only remember very small pieces). i was committed and wait listed for the nut house. fortunately there weren't going to be any beds available and after talking to a million people they let me go after 34 hours instead of the 72.
i almost lost the chance to hug my kids again. third relapse and the progression almost killed me. i have worked so hard but i haven't truly surrendered i suppose. i thought i had. i thought i had. i don't know how to surrender my will.. i am thick headed and stubborn and haven't gotten the program. they say keep coming until the program gets you.
the day i was released from the hospital i drug my sorry ass to a meeting. i knew if i didn't, there was no way i would go back. ever.
i am still in shock i did what i did, but i know it wasn't me. i can't stress enough how horrible this disease is and how badly it wants you dead. how much it tells you that you don't have a disease. one drink almost killed me.
i have been surrounded, enveloped and smothered with love from my people. it is what is keeping me afloat right now.
i don't want to die. i truly, truly don't. but one drink and all bets are off; i become someone who doesn't, can't and won't fight to live. i don't care period. i was willing to let my kids wake up and find me dead. that's what alcohol does to me.
know matter what is happening in my life, i can't drink. i have been through fucking hell since october. the pain unbearable at times. i have outside help. i have inside help. yet i can't stop once i start. i am absolutely terrified and scared for myself more than i have ever been and i sincerely hope monday was my bottom. because if not and i relapse again, my bottom will be without a doubt, death.