Sunday, September 23, 2012

I am going to have to bounce between my treatment experience and what is today. 

Life is not how I think I would want, but it is what I need. 
The past few days have been difficult but doable. I had not mentioned (only as I have not gotten to it in my treatment/rehab story), but I have temporarily lost custody and placement of my children.  I have accepted it, but I do not care for it, and today I do not think it necessary.  Knowing the circumstances in which the emergency motion was filed had been unknown while in treatment. The timing is a bit unsettling.  Suggestions by those who actually have my best interest in mind, have made very important facts come to light and are showing me the way.  While difficult, I know my motives.  My motives are ONLY in the interest of my beautiful children even though some motives by others are disguised as in the best interest of the children, they are transparent.  I have chosen to believe the best in people only to be disappointed or hurt.  I have been manipulated and had the shame slathered on so that I allow myself to feel guilty about certain decisions I have to make.  That will not be the case anymore.  I will not allow myself to be put down or be made to feel horrible. 
It was pointed out to me the chain of events that occurred for many months prior to my relapse.  And while I am the one who drank, I must remember I have a disease.  The disease factor of my alcoholism is easily forgotten by many.  While I can't expect people in my life to learn about my disease, I have always hoped they would.  I can't expect people in my life not to lash out at me because they are ignorant about the disease.  I am surprised (not sure why) that those who have dealt with this disease in the past have quickly forgotten their stance, their position then.  It is similar to an alcoholic who has forgotten their last drunk.  It happens, but can cause a serious lapse in judgment.  Anyway, I am bouncing here...My  thoughts are scattered as I have to pack some things this week for my move.  It is sinking in that my children will not be living with me. I feel a deep pit and have to remind myself constantly that it will be okay and it will get better.  Another hurtful process I am going through is that my 'husband' has been putting things in a bag or making stacks of things that are mine.  I have not been ordered to vaca the premise nor have I relinquished my rights.  My only guess is that is his coping skill.  If I am not present in the home then he doesn't have to deal.   I have much empathy for him.  I know what it feels like.  I have had much empathy for him the past month or so, and I don't know why.  I haven't even been angry.  Frustrated yes.  But I see what I see. And I see a man with no real direction.  I see a man who just wants to be loved and validated and because I can not do that now (he didn't think I was able to do that for a while, but I was) he has started to believe his own bullshit, as we say.  I know because I have done it for years; play the victim.  I also know him better than he would care to admit I'm sure.  My therapist in treatment told me I have to let him do his thing and if he spirals (which is being seen by some, not just me) I can not swoop in and clean the mess up like I have before.  Not being a martyr, he has had to clean up many of my messes.  What I saw in treatment was I had been enabling his behavior.  I never felt I was, I always felt I was strong.  But enabling someone's behavior is not always obvious.  I was enabling in the non obvious way. He had enabled me as well.  He didn't know he was and he didn't really have a choice because he didn't know what he didn't know. However, I have some experience with it now.  Anyway, I am hoping this week goes ok.  It will no doubt be emotional but it can be done.  How lucky am I to be able to feel? Truly grateful!!  

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