Financial responsibilities is for shmucks...so I thought

Financial insecurities are in the forefront of my mind.  I have been paralyzed by these fears my whole life.  I always wanted to blame my parents for my lack of financial responsibility, but it is not their fault, but mine. 

When I was a kid, I never worried about money.  It wasn't a topic that was discussed on a regular basis.  I knew you didn't charge anything unless you could pay it off at the end of the month (which always and still does baffle me), you balanced your checkbook every month and you lived within your means.  Now my dad was a spender but my mom was thrifty.  If it were up to my dad we would have had all the toys and no place to sleep.  Luckily my mother reeled my father in when he was 'money philandering'.  I saw the financial scope growing up but could not put it into practice once I was out of the house on my own.  

I was not allowed to have a job other than babysitting when I was younger.  My parents wanted me to focus on school and music.  I always resented them for that rule because my friends had jobs and their own money.  I hated asking for money.  Not that I was allowed to have much of an outside social life, but in the rare instances I would be granted freedom for the evening, I had to ask for money.  One more thing my parents controlled. How dare they! When I went to college I had my first checking account.  Here I was 17 years old, a book of blank checks and a fast and furious pen.  Then began my troubles with money and the insecurities blossomed. 

After getting married and working for a bit (I was paralyzed looking for a job after moving to NE), 'the husband' wanted me to get more involved in our financials. I always used the excuse 'well, I don't know how to do bills' to run away for learning to actually do the bills.  When the kids came and I was at home, I was the one spending the money.  Budget was not really in our vocabulary.  And once again 'the husband' would ask for me to get involved with money matters and again I would run.  I had great intentions on helping and learning about bills, budgets, insurance etc., but I was easily overwhelmed and would become paralyzed.  It didn't help that we didn't think the same way so when he would patiently try to explain and I did not understand, I would react in anger.  That was the only way I knew how to react.  If I was angry then I wouldn't have to feel dumb for not knowing these basic life skills I had never used.  My lack of participation in our money matters was one of the many downfalls in my marriage.  The financial burden landed on him while I ran away.  If I did not comprehend something and it caused discomfort I looked for a way not deal with the situation and eventually would drink over it.  We're broke, I should drink.  We have some extra money, let's celebrate by blowing it all on alcohol.  We have just enough to cover bills, let's drink and put ourselves in the hole.  I'm stressed about bills, let me drink.  I have anxiety about the next time 'the husband' asks me to be involved in the financial matters, I will drink and I will be less anxious.  The next thing I would know, I was drunk and useless.  Once again I did not participate and it was the beginning of many things 'the husband' would have to do on his own. Financial insecurities and financial accountability are ideas and actions I am working on today.

Right now, I am looking for a job.  I haven't been in the workforce for 10 years.  No college degree and no marketable skills at this time.  If I could find a job that required being an ass/nose wiper, referee, short order cook, and housekeeper rolled into one, I would most definitely qualify.  I have been hitting the streets filling out applications and also online.  I updated my resume (which dates back to the 90's) and have sent that out as well to a few jobs.  I am not looking to be the Director of Human Services or Project Manager, I am looking for a simple job that does not require much thinking or has a high stress level.  For now that is all I can handle.  Going back into the legal field is a definite no.  The demanding pace, stress factor and explosive personalities would be the perfect storm for me today.  Not to mention I have been out for so long, many things have changed and I would start at the bottom.  I'm not too good to start at the bottom, but when I weigh the emotional toll that type of job creates to the starting salary, it equals misery.  Not where I want to go today.  I do know what I want to be when I grow up and have taken a few teeny tiny baby steps to start the tumble weeds a rollin' towards starting that journey when the time is right.  Being in the job market in this day and age is not easy.  The economy and lack of jobs isn't what is scary to me though.  I am terrified of rejection.  Always have been, even though I have been rejected consistently over my lifetime it hasn't gotten less shitty.  Those events could be seen as learning experiences, but I am not there yet.  Just walking into a place and asking if they are hiring is a huge deal for me.  HUGE.  Filling out an application is a HUGE deal for me.  The feelings of being less than, not good enough, stupid and useless flood over me every single time I walk into a place of business.  That is my disease doing its damnedest to get me off track and get me that much closer to a drink.  It may not happen today, but once I start feeling those feelings for a period of time, the drink is inevitable.  Today though, when I have those thoughts I tell myself that I am useful, I am smart and I am capable.  As silly and trite as it sounds, those affirmations work.  I'm no Stewart Smiley, but damn it, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me! 

I will get a job.  I will work hard so that I can provide the basics and take care of myself. And if I am lucky, I will make enough to where I can help provide the best I can, for the kids too.  It won't be much but it will be what I can do and that will be enough.  I am showing my kids whether they realize it or not, that you can fall down flat on your face but if you have just a smidge of willingness, you can get back up, hold your shoulders back and stand proud and tall.  I am doing that every single day I stay sober.  Facing down my financial fears is scary, but doable.  I just may be one of the lucky ones; not having a specific career affords me the opportunity to try new things.