Checking in. No job. Yet. I keep plugging along and I know something will come because I am doing the next right thing. I could really rock a job right now, but what can you do? PRAY!
The apartment is feeling more and more like home. My kids came to see the place with their father and they really liked it and can not wait to spend the night (kiddos, not 'the husband'). I can not wait for them to either. Hopefully in a week or so I will be able to have them for an overnight visit. Their father and I are cordial at the moment. I gotta tell you this 'situation' is fucked up. I know there isn't a 'normal' family these days, but mine right now is wickedy whack. 'The husband' and I are still legally married. 'The husband' has had the girlfriend for a lot longer than he will admit (at this point why keep lying about it?), and I met said girlfriend (we all know how that went) and now he is going to meet my boyfriend. Did your hair just curl? I know right? Yeah, it would not be happening but it is important at this time for each of us to meet who our children will be around. So yeah, the two men are meeting tomorrow. I need a reality show. Who does this? The blessing is that I have no reservation about the two men meeting. The man I am dating has been in my life as a dear friend for a while. He is one of the people that saved my life. Strange feeling to be with someone who knows your crazy, happy, sad, insecurities, demons and joys and wants to be with you regardless and can empathize. That is what I thought marriage was supposed to be and maybe it is, but it was not that way for me. Meeting this man and not being under the influence of any mind altering substances (not like the conditions I met 'the husband') is a water ride in the summer fun! I am not questioning nor do I regret my time with 'the husband', I had three wonderful children with him. We had many, many wonderful times together and made lots of beautiful memories together but I have been struggling to go forward for far too long and couldn't and today I can. Have you ever thought about or been in the position where you have put so much importance on what your partner thinks and feels about you? Have you ever put so much stock into those thoughts and feelings you turn yourself inside out trying to be what that person wants you to be? I think he had this ideal in his head he hoped I would be and when I didn't match up to that ideal he took off. However pitiful, it happens all the time. Carrying out unconditional love is not easy. We put conditions on everything and don't even know we do it or recognize we are building these ideals in our heads. Aren't our vows we take in marriage conditions? What do we do when the other can't meet those conditions? Do we pack it up because it wasn't what we thought it would be? Sickness and health. Do we get to add a clause to the vows? Are vows just pretty little sentences we say because they are flowery and sticky sweet? How do you know when you exchange vows the other is going to uphold those vows? You don't. When I got married, boy did I believe in those sticky sweet lovely words. I put everything into that moment. One lesson I have learned and am applying it to the relationship I am in now, is 'this too shall pass'. Listen, it isn't being negative nelly at all, it is being rita the realist. I have learned in recovery that 'this too shall pass' applies to the good times too. Ebb and flow baby. Ebb and flow. I think 'the husband' has found someone who will co-sign his bullshit. Validate what he needs validating and step into his 'ideal woman' shoes. I can not express the relief I feel knowing I don't have that on my shoulders anymore. He never understood that while he thought I was neglecting him in my recovery, I was trying to get better and be who he wanted me to be. I didn't quite understand that was what I was doing until it was pointed out in treatment. I wanted to be in recovery, however, I was not focusing on me, I was focusing on how to make him happy with me in recovery and that just does not work. I don't have to do that anymore. The man I am sharing this time with just doesn't care who I am. He respects my recovery and we both know recovery comes first over anything and if we feel this relationship or the other person could jeopardized this amazing gift, we walk away. We don't owe each other anything. We do owe ourselves a life of recovery. He digs my spirit and he doesn't co-sign my bull shit. I don't co-sign his either and we call each other out on the crap and we have a good healthy argument. We did that when we were friends too. We are quite different and drive each other crazy. We are in different times of our lives as well. His children are grown and mine are small. He has several continuous years in recovery and I am starting over again. He is all about results and I am all about the process. He is direct and I am not usually. He is so comfortable in his skin and I am learning how to be. Because he is comfortable with himself, there isn't this unhealthy co-dependency going on. I am overly cautious of this and tend to over do it with establishing my boundaries but I am lucky because he is ok with it and likes my independence. Again, he is able to accept where I am. Am I comparing the two? Fuck yeah I am. How do you not? The key is not to get so wrapped up in the differences to where that is all you do is compare. Being aware of the differences is fine, but constantly comparing is not healthy. I know the meeting between the two will go just fine. To bottom line is this; it doesn't matter if 'the husband' likes the boyfriend or not, he isn't dating him. Never thought I would write that sentence!
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