Tuesday, November 27, 2012

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I had a great Thanksgiving with my brother/sister in-law and all my nieces and nephews.  Going down to Virginia was the right decision.  I missed my babies so much but not being home alone was definitely the right thing to do.  I know I would have been lonely without any family here and it would have compounded the abandoned feelings I am working to remove and replace with a sense of belonging within myself. 
I made it through another first and did not drink.  This was my third Thanksgiving sober but my first without my kids in 10 years.  I am truly grateful to have my brother/sister in-laws in Virginia.  They were extremely generous and gave me some money so that I can provide some Christmas for the kids.  We are going to decorate the tree with ornaments they picked out and string popcorn and cranberries.  Not having money and living with the bare minimal isn't easy but it is doable.  I applied for food stamps this week.  I am hopeful to get an interview soon to see if I qualify.  I never ever thought I would be in a position where I would be on public assistance but I have no choice right now and need help.  If I do get the food stamps I will be able to afford to feed the kids and have them more often.  Not being able to provide food for your children is painful.  I can't provide them with anything material right now, not even the basics.  I feel like a failure a lot because I can't do these things right now.  I do have faith it won't always be this way.  I wake up every morning and hit my knees and pray.  Every morning I say thank you for another day of recovery.  If I don't keep my recovery first I will never have the small and beautiful things that I get on a daily basis. Being with my children and basic needs.  I wouldn't get to experience a Thankgiving, a Christmas, sleepovers, homework time, you get the picture.  When I struggle with feeling less than, worthless, inferior, dumb and unlovable, I remember what happened the last time I picked up a drink.  I had four months sober yesterday, and today I have 4mths and 1 day.  Between 4 and 5 months has been when I have picked up a drink (I did make it to 9mths once) so I am scared.  With this time period hitting during the holidays I am hyper vigilant about my recovery.  I was feeling really lousy because this is when it all started last year with my marriage falling part etc.  but you know, on the 10th of December, the husband is filing for divorce.  I guess he likes the month of December?  I don't want to associate this month anymore to sadness or to him.  Why give those thoughts free rent in my head.  I don't need to be sad and mourning when he is happy and living his life. Fuck this, I need to live my life and not let him have so much control over my emotions.  I don't need to remember the past; good or bad.  Not ignore it, but I don't need to be punished. It feels as if the husband wants me to feel badly all the time and I get that from certain people in his family too.  I just remind myself it is conditional love that he was capable of giving and you know, it's okay that is all he can do.  I am a good person and always have been.  I can look myself in the mirror and admit my wrongs, take responsibility and also say I tried with everything I had to keep my marriage going, stay in recovery and be a good mom.  I tried, I didn't say I succeeded.  My destiny is already laid out for me.  I was supposed to have children with this man.  I was supposed to be an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic.  I was supposed to marry then divorce.  The answers to why this is will come later.  I am just trying to accept it and move forward.  There is a lot I can accept but there is still a lot I can not accept.  The good news is I know I don't have to accept everything at once nor do I have to accept it all today.  I am learning and doing it more quickly now than before which is a relief.  God my blogs have gotten painfully boring. I mean damn, I don't even want to read these.  I will try and spice these bitches up!

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