Monday, November 12, 2012

change of heart

 * just a reminder i never proof read what i you couldn't tell...but i don't because i want it to be what ever is flowing through....*

today i realized i feel the same way about a few people in my inlaw family as i did about the gf (being replaced so easily, etc).  i imagine my feelings of hurt and 'kicked to the curb' will go away soon, i am still really hurting. my sponsor says i minimize events and my feelings too much.  and i guess i do to a degree because i think sometimes if the people i loved could so easily dismiss me and throw blame on me then perhaps i am not really worth it.  then i have to remember they have their own issues and why am i  so hurt by people that so clearly disrespect me and the situation?   i had a moment today where the thought 'i want a drink' came to mind and would not leave my head.  i do not want a drink and know it does nothing but the thought came to mind and was relentless.  i prayed my guts out and by the grace of god it passed.  a non alcoholic or a person who doesn't have an addiction may not understand this but, when that thought comes in my head i have a battle going on.  i don't know why it happened.  i imagine that maybe it popped up because i am struggling with feeling discounted and my natural response has been to drink. drink to cope. drink to not feel.  and alcohol doesn't help me cope and it doesn't even numb anymore.  the drink only makes it 1 million times worse.  i was standing there and when it came up, i thought 'no, no, no.  remember your babies. remember your babies'.  inches and seconds and it could all be gone.  inches and seconds.  i don't think people who never learn or at least avail themselves to the bare minimum about the recovery process can  fathom how vulnerable i am right now and judgments hurt 100xs more than the norm.  i've been told it is about rebuilding my self esteem/confidence but damn is it hard when the people you cared so much for, loved and respected don't see the whole picture.  that the focus is micro and displaced.  what i had been through the seven months prior to me attempting suicide was heavy.  the husband is equally responsible for the breakdown as i am.  yet they don't see that.  his decision to not communicate, run then date the woman he already had feelings for and got caught, introduce her to mutual friends (without telling me anything) etc is enough to make a solid woman go crazy.  i know i keep rehashing the same thing, but i have too.  i have to get out the hurt.  don't get me wrong, i don't think for one second they will change.  they won't and they don't have too.  it is up to me to let it go when i am ready and right now i can not let it go.  everything is so fresh and raw.  it is the holidays where family is the focus and well....i guess i am just shocked.  yeah, i am still in shock.  this whole thing is another death.  i have to go through the grieving process and stages.  i feel sorry for the husband.  i do.  he doesn't deal. his way of dealing is so unhealthy.  everything is just fine...cover up and move on.  it is so sad really because he will never know the beauty in the breakdown.  he will never know or have the freedom of loving unconditionally.  he covers his insecurities by overcompensating and drinking.  i wish i could save him from what is to come for him, but i can't.  as much as i don't care for how all of this has gone down, i never want anyone to go through the pain and horror i have had to endure because of alcoholism.  i am not saying he is, but he is.  when you are an alcoholic and have crossed over to recovery and start understanding recovery it is impossible not to see the warning signs and the behavior.  it really isn't about what you drink or how much you drink it is about what the drink does to you; and that doesn't mean while you are drinking either.  that also goes for those who enable.  as i write this i actually feel a lot of compassion for him and those family members.  how crazy is that? starting this blog to where i am in this blog my entire attitude has changed.  that is the beauty of writing and having the tools of recovery right in the ol' ticker.  anyway, i hope he never has to go through the agony.  i also hope that he isn't enabled to death.  the hard part is there is nothing i can do to help him.  i can't fight for him like i did his sister.  it is up to his family to recognize the signs and take action. actually, it is up to him and that scares me.  pride and ego.    i pray everyday for him, his gf, his parents and siblings.  every, every day.  i know how hard it is to look in the mirror and admit there is a problem.  i know the courage it takes to get help.  but the admission is the hard part. we lie to ourselves over and over.  the disease tells you don't have the disease.  when i think of what an absolute selfish, heartless bitch i was when in active addiction i was, oy!  i had know idea everything i did was selfish motivation.  i put that drink before everything and that was even before i physically needed it.  i absolutely understand why the husband wanted out, i do. what i don't understand and never ever will understand was the way he handled it.  i even understand why al non didn't work for him or why he didn't avail himself to learning about recovery; it came too close to home.  even the way he handled getting out of the marriage and subsequent actions he has taken is alcoholic behavior.  that line of holding him accountable but also understanding he has some issues is difficult.  it would be easier if he was an admitted alcoholic.  i have to constantly remember not to treat him the way he treats me.  just because we are cordial doesn't mean i have or am being treated fairly, with kindness and compassion. i do think i am being fair and treat him with kindness and compassion.  i keep praying for God to keep him safe.  i suppose that even if certain people who i considered family can't deal with reality, so be it.  but i will never stop caring about the husband or wanting him to be okay.  and i do accept that what is ok for him is not exactly what is ok for me.  i wish him a healthy, unclouded, non judgmental life.  his spark is gone and boy do i wish he gets it back.  that twinkle is what made him so beautiful. 

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