yesterday i was at a meeting when the topic turned to something so incredibly personal and painful. i was not expecting it, and it hit me right in the guts. there was a reason i was there and a reason i heard what i heard. can't say that i was prepared or even wanted to go there because it hasn't been something i've even tried to delve into being sober. but i didn't have a choice, it was right there in my face.
another one of the 'firsts' i talk about. the thing about sobriety is, you don't get to chose when you want to deal or feel certain things; it just happens. that's where step three comes in handy if you can do it. that means giving it up/away to your HP and letting happen what is supposed to happen. let go of the control and hand your will over to your HP. it's not easy and it doesn't happen with a big neon sign that says "HAND IT OVER" or "YOU JUST DID STEP 3". i say this because the other day, step 3 did happen and i didn't even know i had done it until it was pointed out to me by my sponsor. what an amazing feeling that was. that the program is slowly working through me. but back to yesterday.
i was transported back to being 22 years old and to the day, the moment my mom died. i'm not going into specifics but it was so painful and surprisingly not because of the death, but because of the broken record of my 'father's' words. they wouldn't stop playing in my head. i physically felt ill. it blows my mind how powerful words are and how long they stay with you. i was on the phone with my sponsor hysterical crying, screaming, acting completely irrational. i was that 22 year old. and thank the universe i have a sponsor who gets it, gets me and believes in me. boy did she inherit a mess when she agreed to be my sponsor, but it doesn't seem to scare her. what i keep learning is, i am not the only one. not that i ever thought my story/past was special, i just had no idea that there are others out there that have endured worse or less than i have. it's called being self centered i suppose or just naive. i have to keep remembering that feelings aren't facts, his words were his anger that he felt towards himself. they were misplaced on me. i got the brunt of everything that was wrong and nasty in his world. why? because he himself is an alcoholic and he didn't know any better. doesn't make it right, doesn't make my pain any less, but it does put me in a place where i can try and start to heal because what he said isn't true. i write that, but i don't believe it....yet. it's going to take however long to get there, but i will get there. i will break this cycle. i will allow my children to grow into adults that don't have to re-live their childhood and try to have a happy one as an adult.
letting control go feels impossible on a good day. but letting it go will allow me to be free. this is a fact. i'm not rushing the process because i can't, it isn't in my hands anymore. but i wouldn't mind a full 24 hours of just plain ol' nothing. a day that has no drama, no negative feelings, no new thing to deal with, no situations, no nothing. i guess i'm asking for 24 hours of peace. what i have learned is, you can't ask for that. you ask for the tools to get you to that point. if i'm just handed that 24hrs of peace, i won't have a clue of how i got it; i have to understand the process of getting there. so that's what i will do. i won't drink today. i will talk to my HP today. i will go to a meeting today. and i will do my best to let things fall where they may.
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