the embrace of support and love has been overwhelming....and then walks in the dick.
this particular person just couldn't help themselves and wanted me knocked back down.
saw this person in a morning meeting and they said some pretty negative things to me about my slip. okay, that is their opinion. as my father says 'opinions are like assholes, everyone has one'. while i vehemently disagree with this person's opinion on how MY slip will affect ME considering this person only knows my name, not my story, or even had a conversation with me, it is their opinion. but words hurt. words have hurt me more than anything in this world. not the physical, sexual abuse and sexual assault but the mental and emotional abuse. that's what sticks with me. and of course this reminds me of the elementary saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'. not so true in my case. i'm working on it, but i'm not there yet.
this person was at my evening meeting. and before my meeting i prayed to my HP (actually got on my knees..i have heard get on your knees, but just learned that these people meant literally get on your knees...had NO clue it was because it's the most humbling position to be in while praying...i thought it getting on your knees was for other fun stuff..haha..a little humor folks)...but anyway, i got on my knees and prayed that when i spoke at the meeting that my message would be positive, share my experience of how a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix etc. and that i wouldn't speak with any anger or resentment toward the person who wasn't very kind (they were going to be at the meeting). and my prayers were answered. i spoke my message of hope and of the lessons learned and i also said something that i never even realized until i was talking and that was; when i walked into AA, i walked in because i knew i needed help, i knew my drinking was out of control and that my life was unmanageable and i walked in out of guilt. i didn't walk in thinking drinking wasn't fun. there have been many that have walked into the halls because they knew for them, there was nothing left in the drink for them, it wasn't fun. they were sick and tired of being sick and tired. so my point is, that perhaps my slip was because i hadn't gotten the message that the drink wasn't fun, i had to get almost 5 mths of sobriety and hear the message of AA and learn about the disease a bit more to fully understand that the love is gone. i got that message loud and clear. okay, back to the meeting. so i had decided prior to the meeting that i was going to talk to this person and tell them their words hurt me. i never stand up for myself. my intention was to just let them know; i had no expectations. i wasn't looking for anything. what i got was more knock downs and insults.'toughen the fuck up, your self centered (duh, i'm an alcoholic), but the stinger that set me off was as i was walking to my car they were in front of me with another person and they were bitching about me. out of no where (we alcoholics like confrontation even if we hate it), i say 'uh, yeah i'm right here and i can hear you. not appropriate'. that set this person off on me. basically their message was i will never be the same because i slipped and that i have to start over (no shit i have a new sobriety date) but their point was my almost 5mths of sobriety doesn't count. doesn't count? how can it not count? i lived those days sober. i lived the joy and the pain and because i made a mistake doesn't make those days, those feelings just disappear. as a friend pointed out, it's like saying 'oh i drank for 20 years but i don't drink now so those 20 years never existed'. who is this person to say i will never be the same for taking that drink(s) and that it will take me months to get back to where i was? don't assume shit people. yeah i won't be the same, but in a positive way, and it won't take me almost 5mths to get back because i learned something from that quick relapse. i learned a whole fucking lot.
so the best thing for me to do is/was ask my HP to take the anger, resentment and feelings of failure away. and so last night i got on my knees AGAIN, and prayed and asked for those things, and i even threw in a few prayers for the person.
so today is a new day, i gave it away, i harbor no resentment or anger today. i know that today, only i can say how i feel. those feelings are mine and no one can say they are wrong. they may make suggestions if i am thinking or feeling in an unhealthy way but not wrong. i talk to my sponsor, they let me know if i am going in the right direction. i talk to my HP, it lets me know if i am going in the right direction. the words that person spoke were glue and i am rubber...what they say bounces off of me and sticks to them, cause i gave that shit away.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y
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