relapse

ratting myself out as they say.  i relapsed last night (3/10).  i have no reason or even know how it happened. i was on auto pilot. i bought the wine and i drank it. it tasted like poison and i felt like, well, i had one glass might as well have fun. cause that's what you do as an alcoholic, you just do it. and i did. and it was horrible. there wasn't a bit of fun to be found in that fucking bottle. the fun of alcohol is dead for me. my love affair ended. we broke up over the toilet as i was puking my brains out. i haven't puked from alcohol in years. YEARS. but you go for almost 5mths and take yourself out, it's bound to happen.  i woke up this morning and not only did i mentally feel like a piece of shit for picking up, i physically felt horrible. in the midst of my drinking, i called people in the program and ratted myself out to them, i don't know why, but maybe my higher power was like 'hey, if you are doing this, let's at least get you help for tomorrow'...that's how i have to look at it.  so anyway, i was laying in bed this morning thinking, omg, i haven't felt this way in almost 5mths and i used to wake up like this almost 7 days a week toward the end.
i made it to my morning meeting. waiting for me were people who knew, and wrapped me in their arms and showered me with love and hope. i had to tell the meeting i went out. there were some gasps, but not in horror or shame, just sadness because they know. 
after the meeting i talked to so many people who made sure i knew i was loved and supported and told me to put the bat down and don't beat myself up. today is a new day and i walked back into that door. i have to tell you that i have an overwhelming sense of relief and inner peace.  maybe picking up was the best thing i could have done for myself because now i know. i know in my heart of hearts drinking has lost it's luster. i have a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix.  so, i fucked up. i am human. but i picked myself up and walked back into that church basement full of shame and toxic blood but i left a woman burden free. i can't quite describe what it feels like.
what i get from this program is priceless. it's unconditional love. it's hope from people who may know you well, or maybe not. they care. they care about me because that's the gift of sobriety. they love me and will love me until i can love myself. they will hold me up if i let them. i don't have to do this alone and i don't have to feel like i'm burdening people when i'm hurting or sorting things out. believe in the fellowship is what i need to do. have faith in my higher power.
so i have a new sobriety date 3/11.  worst band ever. awesome.  but, it is the day before my oldest child's birthday. that is a gift. i had almost 5 months of sobriety but those months are still there. they don't disappear. so my date is different, but i won't let those 5 mths go, cause i worked hard. i felt feelings. and i may have just learned the most beautiful lesson thus far; i no longer look at alcohol as a lost lover. it is pure poison and i am just lucky enough that i have the most amazing friends who got me back in those doors in less than 24hrs of me picking up. forever grateful. i love them all so much.