i love being sober

been a whole 14 days since i've written. i've been bloggin in my head, which is good and bad. so much going on, it is called life.
i got my 60 day chip (again). remember the relapse oh, say 60 days ago. odd this time around. i haven't been counting the days, marking the calendar, wondering what it would feel like. that may change once i get passed the 5 month mark because i haven't technically gotten there, but i don't think i'm going to feel different.  it really is just 24hrs at a time. whereas before, it was this 'oh god, can i do it',  now, since i've turned my entire will over to my higher power (meaning, manage my life period, not just the bad stuff), things are simplified. don't get me wrong, i get hysterically historical as my sponsor says. that's when something happens that is a past trigger that creates a hysterical reaction. and let's face it, the last month has not been rosie posies...yet somehow, i have ridden the waves of emotional fears and not drown. i walked on coals.
i am learning that truly i have been fear based my entire life. of course we all have fears, but when they take over your body feels like it is in the middle of  a bad alien body snatcher movie and it paralyzes your thinking, your reactions etc. it is crippling.  but i am getting it now. fears are feelings and feelings aren't facts. i'm not ready to jump out of a plane yet, but fuck, i flew sober for the first time in over 10 years and took a window seat too; take THAT mr. cabernet!  i am able to react appropriately a lot more now. i am able to speak more freely without fear of judgment. i count in this world and whether anyone else recognizes that, doesn't matter as long as i do. who gives a flying fig if someone thinks i'm too mushy, or too tough on my kids or has a dark weird sense of humor and is inappropriately dirty. what matters is, am i taking care of my side of the street? am i vigilant about 'cleaning house'? am i hurting people with my words or actions? and hey, this program leaves a lot of room for mistakes. cause guess what we're human.
another fact of life i am getting more comfortable with is letting things go (back to turning ALL of my will over to my higher power, not just the shit).  sometimes i don't like the answers i get from my HP and i will more than likely throw a tantrum. but if i do, i do it alone, don't hurt anyone, i get it out of my system then get on my knees and pray and say 'okay, not thrilled with what you want from me, but you know best so i accept what is happening'. i sound like i found jesus under the sofa cushion or something, but it's not about that. it's about truly believing there is something out there bigger than ourselves. for some it is god..others it's the program..for me it's the universe. the spirituality of this program is truly filling the deep dark hole inside of me. that's the thing about AA, it is about spirituality. it's not about being a cult. everyday, i ask my higher power to keep me away from a drink, do it's will through me, show me the path, and some other things depending on what is going on...and at the end of the night i get back down on my knees and thank my higher power for keeping me away from a drink. and there are days i'm on my knees just asking for patience and willingness.. no matter my day, no matter what is happening, it is imperitive that if i don't pick up that drink, then i really truly believe it has been a good day. it's that simple. i don't always like that because i could find a hundred reasons why it wasn't a good day, but rip it all down and at the end of it all...if that drink is still there and not in my body, then yeah...it was a good fucking day.
getting back to the basics. not getting caught up. being in the moment. having an attitude of gratitude. a grateful heart will never drink and i sincerely believe that. and if i'm not feeling grateful, i call someone, or make a gratitude list. you can't be in a 12 step program and not work for it.
i have also come to realize that i thought i was the only one that had my story. i know that not to be true now. and what that does for me, is helps me let go of the false guilt and shame i've been holding onto for all these years. there was never anything wrong with me, things happened and i didn't have the coping skills or the right people to help me understand or explain what was going on. and it's okay. IT IS OKAY. little by slow i'm liking myself. i'm growing. i'm not so wrapped up in me. sure i can get like that, who doesn't, but i am not unique with my story. everyone's story, experiences are important no doubt, but our common denominator is that we chose alcohol to cope, to suppress, to numb, to come out of our shells, to form a facade because we didn't like who we were.
i'm happy to say, that for today, because i live for being present, i like myself. i'm feeling a little bit of pride in my strides. i'm feeling like this is the way out. i never have to drink again unless i want to. but why would i want to? there is no fun in the bottle for me anymore so for me to want to drink....well, it would be because my disease found a crack in my recovery. always vigilant. always remembering my last drunk. always remembering the people that have been in the program with me that have gone out and died. i lost a friend last week. came in the same time i did. he went 'out' and his mother found him dead the day before mother's day. that's what this disease does people. it will kill you and it doesn't care how great your recovery is going, as soon as you let your guard down, it will attack and take you down. i wanna live today.