the past two days i have been working in the yard feverishly. for the first time in a very long time, i've been sober for spring. other times i was either pregnant, had a new baby or drunk. i did not drink while pregnant or nursing, for some reason it wasn't a big deal. but soon after i would get the ball rolling. so this is the first spring in a very long time i am sober and for that i am grateful. i have finally scrubbed and scrubbed the deck. cleaned the deck furniture and am getting ready to put in a new bed for the hostas i'm going to be splitting up. i have said i was going to split up these plants forever and well, drinking came first.
i went to a great meeting this morning and have been reflecting ever since. i have come to the realization the i am absolutely filled with fear. i knew this, but i didn't really 'get it'. i'm scared of every thing. my biggest fear is being judged. i've talked before about being comfortable in my own skin and how i'd like to feel that one day. i want it so badly. i want to be able to stop worrying about things i can not control. slowly i am learning. but just thinking, how scared i am of every teeny tiny thing is insane and paralyzing. fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of loss, fear of making the right decisions, fear of disappointing others, fear of looking unattractive, fear of my body, fear of never being smart enough, fear of never being capable of doing anything correctly. how sad. i hope in time, each of those fears disappears, and i'm sure they will if i keep doing the work.
when you are a perfectionist like myself (and i say that i am, but it is not in the traditional sense), the expectations i put on myself are unreasonable and anyone would fall short. i see that, i understand it, but learning to execute letting that go is something all together different. who do i want to be? what do i want to be? who is the real me? i just don't know. i don't know what i don't know. and i don't like that. all i do know is i'm an alcoholic in recovery.
being sober this spring, i'm taking it slow. the fact i've done a few things outside is huge. really, for an alcoholic to complete a task is a big deal. keep it simple. break it down. be okay with the little things. i have to remind myself constantly of that. even if i think i've had a shitty day, if i didn't pick up a drink, it's a good day.
there are a lot of new things i want to try. i want to have the childhood i deserved. i want to let the inhibitions go naturally, not with a social lubricant. all in time i suppose. but for now, i'm glad i have at least gotten outside these last few days instead of sitting inside.
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