aaah....acceptance

what a word huh? acceptance? sometimes i think i have it, and as soon as i do, i really don't.  i must say the past few days have been so joyous.  i am really trying to grasp just living in the moment..dealing with what comes up, then moving on. life is life.
i went to my first wedding sober this weekend. man, that was one hell of a good time. so much fun. i have been having more and more fun sober, but this was a big event and it was fantastic. i had heard so many times in meetings that YOU CAN have fun in sobriety, and i believed because they believed. and now i am getting more sober references and it is absolutely FREEING. i am more extroverted sober than drunk!! who knew???
things at home have been up and down..but i am finding the beauty in being emotionally vulnerable. with that emotional vulnerability comes freedom and strength.  i am going to get hurt whether or not i'm sober. being sober though, and dealing with emotions/feelings allows me to grow, to learn and become more comfortable. if that isn't a gift, i don't know what is!!
i am so grateful. i really am. no matter what has happened since i sobered up, good, bad the ugly, i've been sober through it. i am facing fears and still walking tall.  i am slowly building some self worth, pride and esteem and damn it, it feels AMAZING and the best part is i am starting to believe i deserve it!!!!  i wish everyone could experience what it's like to be a member of AA. the things you learn, experience and feel are so amazing not to mention the friendships that are made. it's family. it's a bond that no one else understands. i am so lucky i have a place to go, to be heard, understood and comforted.

repo this

at this very moment...this sums it right up. 



http://www.vevo.com/watch/ray-lamontagne/repo-man-live-on-letterman/TIVEV1114531

who says

i don't know whether to wind my butt or scratch my watch right now. my world is topsy turvey, inside out and backwards. what in the holy hell is happening. i am on the edge, and it ain't of glory.  fuck fuck fuck. the drink is down, but there are those behaviors. it's okay to be angry but you have to do it nicely. says who? i fucking hate that shit. i want to be a raging bitch. but what good does that do? it's like taking a drink, feels good for about half a second then i have to deal with the consequences. total bullshit that i have to be an adult when others aren't. total temper tantrum. i want to kick and scream and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. i'm tired of doing the next right thing. i don't wanna. i don't wanna be kind, compassionate and put myself in someone elses shoes. fuck that, take a walk in mine you mother fucker. see how those bitches feel. but nooooo, that's not what i've been taught. that's not my HP's will, that's my will. and guess what, i don't get to do my will anymore, i handed that shit over. so what does that mean, it means i have to accept what is going on. i accept it alright but i don't like it. not one god damn bit. i hate it. but i'm doing it. i'm feeling it. i'm doing the right thing. i'm saying what i mean, mean what i say and saying it nicely. now where's my god damn lollipop for having good behavior? where's my treat? oh wait, you mean i don't get one because this is how a grown ass woman is supposed to act??? well poo on that. poo poo poo. thumbs way down. ups and downs...maybe a marriage, maybe not. all a holding pattern cause clearly i am not rational or sane enough to make any major decisions. and well, doesn't he deserve a little time to figure out his shit. yes, yes he does. but it doesn't mean i'm not resentful that he didn't get his shit together sooner. but the adult side of me knows, it takes a lot of courage to go get help. and i hate that i understand that. i don't want to understand that, it is fight or flight for me right now. not an option anymore. doing the right thing can be easy but sometimes it isn't. i am struggling. how the hell do you handle being anger sober? all i know is how to drink at people, places and things. waaa waaa, where is my diaper and bottle. yeah i'm a whiny little bitch right now but i can be cause it's my blog and i can cry if i want to.

just curious

most of my readers are anonymous..but i was wondering you folks that read from another country, how did you find this blog? were you googling vino or how did you stumble upon it? i'm just curious. and does it show up in your native language? wondering how this works and stuff and if you like reading it?

another 90

hit my 90 day mark again on thursday. i chaired my first meeting. i was scared to death. i knew the people in the room and i had shared many times, but to get in front of my peers and tell my story (experience, strength and hope) was really quite terrifying. but i faced that fear and did it anyway.
i do not remember everything i said and from what i understand, that is a good thing. means you spoke from the heart. i had prayed to my hp to just use me as a vessel to send a message.  not sure how well i did. but no matter, it was empowering and a moment i will never forget. i'll never have another 'first' on chairing. 
as of late, life has been going along. some dips, but i think i just have to take a step back and really make sure my actions and intent is on the up and up. make sure that if i do get angry over a certain situation, it is actually angry worthy, cause sometimes, they just aren't. i'm learning it is okay to express your anger and hurt but you can do it in a healthy fashion and not be hurtful (at least not intentionally). 
this time around, i'm not in a hurry. i wasn't scared to get to 90 days. i haven't felt the need to be 'doing more' in my recovery. being in the moment and knowing that recovery is not a race.  i'm going to make mistakes and not do things right all the time. but i am enjoying learning to be comfortable without chaos or drama. i mean, there is definite drama going on, but low and behold, i didn't cause it this time.
we went to an event last night as a family and had a great time. i was out there dancing. i have always, always loved to go dancing but before, i had to have at least 3 to 4 drinks in me before i would get out there and shake what my mama gave me. but now, since i've been sober, there have been two other occasions besides last night that i got out and danced sober. last night though, i had absolutely no inhibitions doing so and i was the first one on the dance floor! it was so freeing. i didn't care because who else would care? it had always been me that cared or worried so i needed that social lubricant.  my daughter and one of my sons came out and danced with me and we had such a blast. i was able to be joyous and free and be childlike with my own children. what a gift. those are the moments that make any struggle i go though worth every single second. it was also a great way for my husband to see that i can go out, be around other drinkers and still have a good time. it did drive the point home that if there is another activity going on besides drinking, i can do it, but i can't just sit around while everyone else is getting hammered. i'm not there today and who knows if i ever will be or if i would want to be. i'm living. i want to do things. last night was special and i am so grateful to have been given that gift. so i'm gonna keep on coming, because from what i am hearing, seeing and feeling, it does get better. little by slow. and i don't mind right now.

paging dr. get me outta here

after a nice little ambulance ride to the hospital because of chest pains....it is clear that i have to take care of emotional well being a bit better.  although the nitroglycerin did rid the chest pain and radiating arm pain, the ekgs and xrays showed nothing unusual. nor did the liver and gallbladder enzyme test.
after speaking with the doctor privately, i disclosed i am under a lot of emotional stress and fairly new in sobriety. she said that although they do think something with the heart acted up, it was more than likely stress induced.
i have had plenty of panic attacks and this was not a panic attack.
i think it was good for a person in my family to hear that, yet, i felt horribly guilty. like, once again, my recovery affects them. they had to miss an important appointment and this and that. it just makes me feel badly. not their problem, it is mine. i just need to figure out how to rid myself of those thoughts. i can only take care of my side of the street. i did see some extremely disturbing things in the er triage that was directly related to alcohol and/or drugs. i cried. those people easily could have been me. easily. my heart ached for them.
so i learned two valuable lessons yesterday. i need to really work on my emotional health and that the disease is alive and well and no one is immune from being put in restraints, having a blood alcohol level of 4.07 (yes, that is correct) or being completely out cold barely breathing with no shoes or a shower. i am no better, i am no worse. keeps it fresh.
i hope for some inner peace. one moment at a time.

not likin it

yeah pretty much everything sucks a big fat one.
keep on keepin' on. can't last forever.
never did i think being sober would destroy or take away people from my life. especially the one closest to me. but apparently, i don't get to make that choice and i have to accept it. who the hell knows, cause i sure don't. one day i will understand why this is all happening. fucking time.