who says

i don't know whether to wind my butt or scratch my watch right now. my world is topsy turvey, inside out and backwards. what in the holy hell is happening. i am on the edge, and it ain't of glory.  fuck fuck fuck. the drink is down, but there are those behaviors. it's okay to be angry but you have to do it nicely. says who? i fucking hate that shit. i want to be a raging bitch. but what good does that do? it's like taking a drink, feels good for about half a second then i have to deal with the consequences. total bullshit that i have to be an adult when others aren't. total temper tantrum. i want to kick and scream and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. i'm tired of doing the next right thing. i don't wanna. i don't wanna be kind, compassionate and put myself in someone elses shoes. fuck that, take a walk in mine you mother fucker. see how those bitches feel. but nooooo, that's not what i've been taught. that's not my HP's will, that's my will. and guess what, i don't get to do my will anymore, i handed that shit over. so what does that mean, it means i have to accept what is going on. i accept it alright but i don't like it. not one god damn bit. i hate it. but i'm doing it. i'm feeling it. i'm doing the right thing. i'm saying what i mean, mean what i say and saying it nicely. now where's my god damn lollipop for having good behavior? where's my treat? oh wait, you mean i don't get one because this is how a grown ass woman is supposed to act??? well poo on that. poo poo poo. thumbs way down. ups and downs...maybe a marriage, maybe not. all a holding pattern cause clearly i am not rational or sane enough to make any major decisions. and well, doesn't he deserve a little time to figure out his shit. yes, yes he does. but it doesn't mean i'm not resentful that he didn't get his shit together sooner. but the adult side of me knows, it takes a lot of courage to go get help. and i hate that i understand that. i don't want to understand that, it is fight or flight for me right now. not an option anymore. doing the right thing can be easy but sometimes it isn't. i am struggling. how the hell do you handle being anger sober? all i know is how to drink at people, places and things. waaa waaa, where is my diaper and bottle. yeah i'm a whiny little bitch right now but i can be cause it's my blog and i can cry if i want to.