....and......i'm back. writing that is...

whoa nelly, it is the begining of november and i am just now getting back to my blog. that tells you something as i love to write.
i have almost 8 months of continued sobriety. i have 364 days of total sobriety.  and i have today; this very important 24 hours. that is all that counts. can i stay away from a drink for just 24hrs; and to that i say yes, i can!
where i am now is not much different from the last time i wrote, yet i am not the same person. early sobriety is a fickle friend. i love it, i'm confused by it, sometimes i don't think it likes me, i need it, i am still fearful of it....there was a book written a while back, something like 'all i needed to learn, i learned in kindergarten'.  i remember reading it and thinking how clever and simple the concept of living life if we just used what we learned in kindergarten. that is how i feel about my program. everything i need to know i am learning in AA.  nakedness is my wardrobe right now; completely exposed.  being comfortable with being uncomfortable is a common phrase my sponsor says to me. i am beginning to feel comfortable being exposed. this requires great effort, patience, trust and faith. 
pulling myself back into the day is becoming more of an option now. i can feel when i am getting away from the day and on a good day, pull myself back, redirect and continue on completely enveloped in the day. the good, bad and indifferent. i'd love to kick co-dependency in the baby maker and tell that confusing little issue to go take a hike.  it hangs on me like a high schooler's back pack. oh there is the 'healthy' co-dependency and the 'unhealthy' co-dependency AND you don't have to be an addict of any kind to have co-dependency issues. wait, co-dependency is an addiction of sorts. okay, whatever, you get what i am saying; it blows.  i find when i am not co-dependent in the unhealthy way, there is freedom. i may have to walk the walk of uncomfortableness for a bit, but when i come out the other side, i am lighter.  then comes the positive reinforcement which eventually will lead to less and less co-dependency...the unhealthy kind.  everything and i mean everything is about practice.  not long ago, i was in hit in the head (figuratively) that here i was trying to be perfect in a program that does NOT PROMOTE perfection, only progress.  i chalk this up to being newly sober. i am trying not to take myself so seriously, relax, breathe, sit, stay in the day, not worry about what others think (it is none of my business).  the last, is something i hear frequently.  worrying about what others think of me is an  understatement. i am such a child. all i want is acceptance, acknowledgement that i exist....i want someone else to re-build me.  and that isn't how it works. these holes have to be filled by using my tools. i must be the one that rebuilds the insides or, actually, just simply build. there was nothing there to begin with. weird to think i walked into the halls, so broken, guilt ridden, shamed from head to toe, disgusted and completely spiritually empty. today, that isn't me. not all the holes have been filled, actually not one is completed, but they never will be. this is a journey of self discovery, taking what works for me, throwing it into those holes, continue to dig and find the hidden treasures that make up me, because i do not know who that person is. ah, another gift of sobriety; a clean slate.