last monday i had a mental breakdown. how or why it happened, i only know the partial answer.
what triggered the breakdown is unknown and i may look into it, i may not. all i know is that i fell into an abyss of blackness, hopelessness and absolute insanity. my brain unraveled and unraveled quickly.
i have heard people say they wanted to die when in the throws of their disease; not me. i have wanted to die in sobriety. why? because i feel. i feel things that i have never felt. trauma and abuse from my past are coming back as i get more sobriety i get under my belt. i thought i had dealt with these issues, hell i have been in therapy half my life. but i suppose i would ignore them, then eventually i drank them down.
the pain i felt monday was unbearable and probably the worst i have ever felt. i was going to either drink or kill myself. yes, suicide. i had it planned. i was too scared to drink because i remember my last drunk as if it was 5 minutes ago and i knew, with every little piece of my being i could not drink. so i turned to an equally evil thought of suicide. it isn't pretty. it's embarrassing, it is shameful for me to admit it, but it was the only way out i thought. that whole day i talked to people and i was absolutely not willing to hear any suggestions. i was a three year old. as the day went on and my mental state worsened i called my therapist. now that wasn't my idea, that was my higher power and i know this because there was not a rational or sane thought in my head. my therapist picked up (which she never does), i told her my state of mind and she said you need to go to the hospital. she called, there was a bed available. i went. i went terrified and brimming with shame and humiliation. i was admitted. i spent monday night through friday morning at a psychiatric hospital.
i know why this happened. i was meant to go. because i was there, we found out my antidepressant i had been on for five years had stopped working. my meds were changed. i also found out about an outpatient program that is for women who have had trauma and abuse in their lives. i need outside help. being sober gave me the opportunity to ask for help. as hard as it was to ask, i did it. i didn't drink and i did not hurt myself. i celebrated 8mths of continuous sobriety 11/11. i didn't drink. i made it through a little piece of hell and did not drink. that is a miracle.
i met some pretty amazing people in there with the same issues as me. just as addiction doesn't discriminate, neither does depression and anxiety. the nurses, mental health workers, psychiatrist were phenomenal. no judgement. nothing but compassion, genuine concern and the honest desire to get me to a better place. if i had not gone, who knows what would have happened. but i never would have known there was a medication issue or a program that will teach me coping skills that in turn will continue to keep me sober. and for that i am truly grateful.
so anyone that reads this...know without a doubt you CAN stay sober and you CAN ask for help. don't let that ego and pride get in the way. it isn't worth it. please let my experience be yours so you do not have to go through the agonizing hours that i did.
accepting a double whammy, and those whammies being mental illness (which has such a negative stigma) will take practice. let go of that concept is something i will need to practice. so i'm a nut. who isn't? at least i can admit it right? peace, love and light.
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