practicing

what a weird time...very weird.  so uncomfortable. so on edge and fearful.  bored. lonely. i don't know where it is coming from. not that i have to justify why i feel these things, because they are just that; feelings.  it gets easier, this i know to be true so i have to keep walking. haven't been in one of these 'moments' for a while so for it to come back, one would think i might have some sober reference on how to handle this. and i suppose i do. i have been doing the next right thing and reaching out, which of course helps. i am my own road block sometimes. keep practicing giving it up. keep practicing not taking myself so seriously. keep practicing being in the moment. and the moment isn't bad. the day isn't bad. being in my head, not so good. i need motivation (so i think).  i so wanted to check myself into butler last night. i was unraveling at the seams and for what? no idea, just that sense of meh. no particular reason to feel down but i do. it will pass, it always does. searching for that identity when i shouldn't be. searching for who i am, when i shouldn't be. it will all come when it is ready and this is what i need to remember right now. when i am ready, i will know. when i am ready, the answers will be revealed. when i am ready, i won't feel like this. who says you can't have a couple of crappy days? who says i have to be happy shnappy everyday? no one. expectations are sneaky little things aren't they? they set us up for elation or resentments. so for today, i won't drink and i will practice not having expectations. i am actually making myself giggle as i write. that is the best part about writing, getting those thoughts out, seeing them in black and white and thinking....you nut job. and i am; a total nut job. part of my charm. everyone needs a nut job. preferably one that doesn't drink. already feel better. back to whatever it was i was doing before i sat down.