not long after i posted on the 18th, did i learn of my father's passing.
i found out in the most unsavory way; via facebook. i had somehow been forgotten. no one called until hours after he passed nor was i notified of when he was taken of life support 5 hours prior to his death. i truly freaked out, acted out and was down right furious. i haven't felt anger like that in years. i was throwing things across rooms, screaming and yelling, swearing and crying. i literally fell to the ground in a heap of soggy bones. i knew in my heart he wasn't going to recover, but once again, i felt forgotten, abandoned, dis-counted. damn, my whole life i had felt that way and once again i was living it.
that raw, gutted, open sore was re-opened once again. it barely had a slight scab over it and now it was re injured. i must admit, i did not present my best self when calling the icu and asking on the status of my father when the nurse told me i was indeed not the next of kin, nor did i present my best self when the bearer of grim news called. i did however call that bearer of news back and apologize. i made a silent amends to the icu nurse who got herself a new asshole. what can i say? changing behaviors is difficult and not reacting is well...a challenge. i had already not reacted while i was down visiting.to many situations, how adult like did i have to be in this situation? who really could have not gone ape shit after hearing about their parents death via facebook? i forgive myself because i think my reaction was pretty normal.
the service is saturday and i am not making the trek down there again. the decision was a struggle but i really needed search and figure out why i would be going as i had already gone down, made my peace and felt he knew it too. would i be going out of guilt? would i be going because i was afraid of what other people would think if his only child was not there? would i not be going down out of fear? so many questions to answer with very limited time. i received my answer during a meeting. again, this program blows me away. i truly wish people who weren't alcoholics took or could take advantage of the program. it is teaching me how to live. to do the next right thing. to accept the unacceptable. to let go of control. to know what it feels like to grow as a human being and grow into the person i've always wanted to be. i am so grateful.
while i will not be at the service, i distinctly remember my father's words 'funerals are for the living. i want a jazz band and an open bar'. i would reply 'you can have the band, but not the bar'. his wife is fulfilling his wish of the jazz band. and she too said no to the open bar. the service will be big and for those lives he touched in a positive way, will be there to pay their respects and give some love to his wife.
honestly, it doesn't matter if i'm there or not. his soul knows where i was when it counted most; by his bed, holding his hand and opening my heart to him. do i have regrets not doing it sooner? no. he was still who he was, and did what he did. but i cleaned up my side of the street and forgave him for his side. how would it have gone if i had done it while he was alive and healthy? i will never know. sometimes, we just have to accept the way life plays out on life's terms.
i have not had a drink. i don't plan on having a drink.
i do hope my father has a peaceful afterlife whatever he believed (it changed often). i hope he has an open heart, open mind and gives my mom the biggest hug and sloppiest kiss ever recorded. that brings me peace and comfort; they are back together.
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