testing testing

i sit here with 3 hours of sleep out of 48. my father with whom i am estranged, was involved in a very serious head on collision monday morning. he injuries are numerous and some are very severe. there is no way of knowing at this point if he will survive. it is a waiting game.
i have decided to go and take the trip and see him. he is in a coma. i am no where near my making amends step, and to be quite honest i don't know if i would make an amends. there are several ways to do it. but anyway, i am going. going to make peace with him whether he lives or dies. i'm not swooping in like the long lost daughter, quite frankly i feel like a stranger. the plethora of emotions are drowning me. my brain is short circuiting.
today was a hurricane. everything depended upon something. no plans could be made. had to wait for this phone call. all the while knowing in my heart i have to go down there because it is the next right thing to do. i know my mother would want me there. and i do need to be there. my motivation is out of love. it isn't a kissy kissy reunion, it is a forgiveness moment in time. do i feel ready to forgive him? do i feel ready to forgive myself? no. no i don't. but i do know that this is a gift from my HP and i must be grateful and do my HPs will, whether it is something i don't think i'm ready for. i have learned my HP knows what is best for me and others. so while i can't sleep, my head hurts, my eyes burn, my mouth is dry and stomach nauseous....i will get back on my knees and pray.
i did not drink today. my hope is i don't drink tomorrow. my wish is not to feel a thing as this is all too familiar. but my wish is not my HPs will. i have faith that this untimely journey will make me a stronger person. i really don't want to be any stronger. i feel i have faced enough tragedy and trauma, but apparently i look like a good punching bag to someone. so i'll take this hit for my mom, for my dad and for myself. i am scared to death. i miss my mom so much right now i literally feel sick.