man do i wish i had some happy shnappy shit to write. but i don't. it's not like rusty knife horrible but it's the roller coaster. hate this fucking thing. i need tear duct replacements from crying so much. some crying for no reason, some crying from triggers. you just never know. and the guilt. god the guilt is the hardest. i feel so badly for my husband. i have to take care of myself right now and this first year is especially selfish, and it's so unfair to him. and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. guilt doesn't help it either. just have to let it go. the hardest part about this program is you don't know what you know until you have gone through it. by turning my will over to my HP, i have no control. nada. and i have to be cool with that. i'm working on it. i don't know...so much in my head it's like a hamster on a wheel right now. but no desire to drink so that is always a plus. i just keep praying for acceptance, willingness and guidance cause i am a lost soul.
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