another 30

yesterday was my second time around with 30 days. so very different this time. i barely remembered because i'm not 'white knuckling' it anymore. meaning, i don't have the craving or desire to drink. it's about me LIVING SOBER.  it isn't about putting the drink down (at least for now cause the disease is cunning, baffling and insidious) but how to let things go. so i wasn't looking at the calendar everyday going 'okay, i got through today without a drink' because i know from my relapse i don't need the drink. the fun is gone. and if i'm lucky, maybe that experience has taken the compulsion and obsession away. i don't know yet. i don't know much of anything accept that this program blows my fucking mind sometimes!!
last week i was struggling, but i knew to walk through it and i did. i knew not to question it too much because sometimes you just don't know until you know. it all culminated with an amazing conversation with my sponsor who said 'ok, you are ready to start your steps'.  some people do there steps right away, some wait, it all depends, there are no rules and it's up to you and your sponsor to decide. well, really your HP. anyway, after this talk with my sponsor i felt an enormous relief. i had gone to a big book study where we talked about chapter 5 'how this all works'...the speaker was amazing and really explained things so well and it clicked. you only hear the message when you are ready and teachable. and i guess i was that day.  long story short i ended up doing my 3rd step unknowingly after that meeting. the 3rd step is completely giving your will to your higher power.  i had given some of my will away, but i'm sure you can imagine how hard it is to give your will away when all we are taught is self will, self control etc. seems counter intuitive. but i realized that my life was unmanageable sober, not just drunk. i couldn't/can't even manage my life sober. and that is because i try to resist. it is human nature. so out of nowhere, i was praying for a friend and i had  like the out of body experience where i asked my higher power to take control. take it all. i gave it away. i may not like how things are being managed, but i know that my HP knows what is best for me and for others. so of course it takes practice, it's not like i've been hit with a thunderbolt and i'm all roses. BUT, i know my HP has my back. and when i start to resist what is going on i will keep walking through, i know what to do. let me tell you it is freeing. i don't have to be in control anymore. and let's face it, most of us, especially an alcoholic or addict are control freaks. but i have the CHOICE and knowledge now to know that i don't HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL. that doesn't give a free license to be an asshole. i'm assuming my readers have some brain cells and understand that. so hear is another miracle...and yes, i truly believe me hearing the message when i did and doing what i did was a miracle. i went to a step meeting that night and it was all about the 3rd step. i picked up my son the next day from preschool which i don't usually do and the director who i never see asks about my daughter. i just opened right up to her about some issues we were having etc. she told me they just compiled a new list of resources for families, so if i don't get the answers or services i need from my daughter's school, she will give me the list. now here is where i see the miracle. i don't go to pick up my son, i never see the director and if i hadn't been going to meetings for 6 months i would have NEVER EVER opened up about what was happening in my life. i say that because i share in almost every meeting i attend. it helps me practice speaking about my feelings, learning to trust, being honest with myself and most importantly asking for help when i need it. and that is exactly what i did with the director. some people may read this and say oh, coincidence, but i don't believe that at all. there are no coincidences when you are open minded, teachable and ready to hear. so all and all, i'm feeling really great with my progress. sure, i wish i was coming up on my 6mths instead of just a month, but i will try and let that go today. really, it is just one day at a time. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
i love AA. i love the unconditional support, love, understanding that you get when you walk into those halls. you can't get it anywhere else. our stories may be different, but our common denominator is that we are alcoholics. i have had people literally just look at me before i spoke and said 'you aren't doing well, what's up'? i'm always amazed because they are right. yet, i can do the same thing to someone else...you just know. i can honestly say i am grateful to be an alcoholic. i truly am. i know what my problem(s) are/is and i am learning the tools through this program to live a happy, honest, joyous and free life. one day, i will be able to forgive myself for past behaviors (not condone, but forgive), i will be able to forgive those that have harmed me, i will be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what i see and actually love what i see. i will one day have that self esteem that i have yearned for, craved for my whole life. i will be able to feel like i am worth SOMETHING that all those past words don't count, matter and aren't fact. but only I CAN DO IT...people can say it to me a hundred times, but unless i believe it deep down inside, it doesn't matter. i'm slowly building a spine, filling my insides with spirituality and love... it's a journey. it's an amazing journey full of pitfalls, boulders, rainbows, fireworks, tears, and growth. i am grateful for this journey and that it is a life long journey.