made the trip to florida. i was a numb hurricane. the factors that surrounded my trip were overwhelming at best. my two best friends were with me, which helped with my overall comfort level. unconditional support and they have known my story for quite some time.
seeing my father for the first time, didn't create the reaction i would have thought; i think i was mentally prepared for the visual. i spoke to him and held his hand. i would feel little twitches, whether they were responsive or reflexive who knows. i left for a bit then came back for a night visit. that visit was much harder. my heart was open more and when i looked at him, he wasn't the man i called by his first name, he was my father. he was my father laying there with severe brain trauma, broken clavicle, arm, sternum, hip, fingers, face disfigurement, staples in his head where a portion of his skull had been removed and a tracheotomy. i spoke to him some more. i said things i didn't know i could say. i said things i didn't think i was ready to say. but i faced my fears and the compassion flowed through me and into him.
the next morning i went to see him but i was struggling with whether i should stay or not. what was my purpose for going to see him? did i accomplish that? would i be staying for me, or staying out of guilt. the tsunami of emotions started to crest and i felt like i was drowning all over again. after talking to many people, i believed after i saw him i would know the right thing to do. i went in to see him, and talk to him again. this time i broke down and sobbed. no matter the horror of our relationship or lack there of, there he lay lifeless and the words of forgiveness, and letting him go came to me and slid off my tongue into the universe. i said my goodbyes.
i was able to have a heart to heart with his wife afterward and tell her i was leaving that i had come to do what i needed to do for me and for him. she still has hope he will recover; i do not. his injuries are so horrible, i don't want him to survive and have a grim quality of life. his love of playing the piano will be gone. if he were to live and couldn't play the piano he rather be dead. this i know to be true.
i hope his wife in time, a shorter, rather than longer amount of time, will be able to make a decision with regards to life support. it would be better though if he had no brain function and the doctors could make that decision for her so she could be free from guilt. he has only one remaining brain function at this time and the likelihood of any functions coming back are very slim, but she is not ready to hear that just yet. and that's okay.
i have peace with him. i let my anger and resentment go toward him. it is truly unfortunate it was done under these circumstances, but i had the gift of time to go down and do so and for that i'm grateful and will not have regrets.
my higher power, the program and my friends carried me through one of the scariest times of my life. i am proud of my behavior, i am proud of the decisions i made and i am proud i did not pick up a drink.
the promises say, we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us...that is so true.
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