i want to pull my god damn hair out. i am not doing something right. i don't know what it is. and even if i am doing everything right, then what does my higher power have in store for me. today was the first time in almost 4 months i craved a drink. all i wanted was an ice cold filthy martini while sitting and watching the ocean. then i would have wanted another. and another.
it is summer, it is hot, it is deck sitting weather, beach weather, kids home all the time weather. any excuse in the book i could use to pick up, but i am choosing not too. i want too. or my disease wants me too. it is telling me that i don't have a disease and that i deserve to drink. it is a constant battle in my head right now. that is why i know i am off. my insides are like a see-saw. my head is a cyclone to do list with no ending. i need to mentally file things away but i can't seem to slow my head down enough to do so. yet, i know i have to do it. i have no motivation. i need help, i need to be centered, i am not spiritually feeling fit at all. what the fuck happened? is it all the lead up to the 'holiday' and the after affects? is it because i am around drinking most of the time and it doesn't bother me while it is happening but later it does? i don't know. i know nothing. i am irritated, anxious, and plain ol' pissy. bleck. i hope i can walk through this sooner than later. or however it is supposed to go. i do have faith. and i did the right things today so that i did not pick up that drink. so yay for me right? fuckin' head space.
One day at a time. That's all you can do. This feeling will pass. It's like a panic attack. Knowing that it will be over soon and learning how to deal with them makes them not as bad as they could be. This is a whole new learning experience for you. It's going to take time. But when you feel like youre getting overwhelmed, just keep telling yourself that you will be ok. You will get through this. It's really hard being sober and finding ones self and being happy. What you're doing, thousands of people are envious that you can do it and they can't. You should be very very proud of yourself. You are an inspiration to many!
ReplyDeletethanks mama. yeah, it is one day, sometimes one hour at a time. i have faith there is a lesson in here and it will be revealed to me when the time is right. doesn't mean i like it one bit. ha! but yes, i will get through this, i don't need a drink to do it. xox
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