i'd like to put my kids in foster care for the summer. i know, it doesn't sound very maternal. i get it. but seriously, i sure do wish they would stop fighting and picking on each other and just flat out doing whatever they want. and before criticism forms in your head about my parenting, you can go fuck yourself. i am a good mom. there are rules, boundaries and consequences, but sometimes, kids are just kids and they drive you up a steep, steep mountain where jumping looks rather inviting.
now i am in no way justifying my drinking...but i do see how i drank more when the kids were around. not something i am proud of at all. i actually have a lot of pain to deal with because of doing so. what i missed, what i didn't do, what damage i caused....but damn, the drink took the urge to kill them away. now i have to rely on what i've learned thus far. some days it works. but with them all home this summer i am struggling. sure i have a choice to have a different attitude and i try minute by minute yet their voices send daggers to my brain and make flames shoot out of my eyes. i get so heated with them. can they just be pleasant for say 3, 10 minute increments a day? is that such a high expectation?
drinking isn't an option nor do i want one. but i would like some mental relief from these kids. yes, i chose to have 3, blah blah blah...but fuck it's hard.
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