peaks and valleys

that is what it is....up, down...road blocks, open wide spaces, big fields....god this process is unreal. i'm not complaining today..just stating that it is unpredictable right now. but i know it gets better. even in my own experiences i have seen and felt it get better.
truly am trying to accept time and patience. some days i am better at that than others. the past few days have been much better because i have accepted that all this 'crap' aka life, takes time to sort out. and it will always be that way, just because i am sober doesn't mean everything falls into place when i want it to, or how i want it to.
saturday i was lucky enough to have a really exceptional day. i had a blast with my kids, then a date with my husband and then watched his band play. i danced my butt off and drank ice tea all night. i was around a lot of people drinking and again, no desire to drink. i wasn't even bothered by the antics. in fact, some of it was funny. what i am loving about being sober is getting through the rough patches because it gives me more freedom. when i can walk through something that feels impossible, not drink, it shows me i am being taken care of by my hp and it allows me to be more 'me'.  more comfortable in my own skin. saturday really gave me that opportunity. it was the first time in a while i was comfortable with who i was at that moment...i never really know who i am...that is part of the process of peeling away the old...discovering something new.
as hard as some days are, as confusing as some moments can be, i truly am grateful to be sober. it is not easy. but it will become easier. i don't automatically think of a drink when anything happens. that is a great feeling.
i was so sad to hear about amy winehouse. i've been a fan since she came out with the frank album.  i get so heated reading headlines like 'why wasn't she saved' or 'could she have been saved'.....it's a loaded question. my hope is that her death will bring more of a spotlight on the disease of addiction. people just don't get it...it's not a lifestyle choice. it's not a matter of will power. it isn't a matter of choice UNTIL you get help, support and a structured program. now, i have a CHOICE if i drink or not.  but it also isn't that simple. if i don't take care of myself, my disease is sitting and waiting to pounce on me the instant my guard is down. addiction is so complicated yet not. who knows why amy didn't get sobriety or why sobriety didn't get her. we will never know, because her disease killed her. even if it is discovered she didn't die of an overdose, look at her body, mind and spirit. her death was surely caused or was a byproduct, if you will of addiction. if anything positive can come from her passing, i hope it is that people who aren't suffering from an addiction understand that this is a real disease and it is always, always a matter of life and death. that is not an exaggeration. you don't have to be famous, poor, rich, black, white, woman or man; this disease does not discriminate.