the next step?

what an emotional hangover i have today. yowzahs.  i put way too many expectations on the 4th. in new england it is quite the big deal (ever hear of the mayflower?) and in my husband's family it is truly christmas in july. there are activities days before and after the 4th. family from far away comes to visit, there are parties, beach days etc. it is all very fun and i have done it sober before, but i was pregnant. way different. like seriously, it's okay to be a raving lunatic bitch when you are pregnant, not so much when you aren't. i owe my mama in-law an amends about baked beans.
there were a few days i bowed out of activities and honored my own feelings; feelings of not quite being comfortable with the atmosphere.  not even the drinking, but more energy/chaos wise. i have always been extremely sensitive with energies and being sober magnifies all of that by a gazillion. so i stayed back. no pity party, just taking care of myself.  truly guilt free.
the day of the 4th arrived and i'm not sure how or when but i think i just thought it would be like any other fourth of july. and it was. but i was sober.
we went to the parade (and damn, do i hate me a parade) but this parade is the oldest in the history of the united states, so it's kinda a big deal. so i thought why not be silly and crown myself miss 4th of july. yes, they have 'real' miss, mrs. and whatever else titles for the float with all the ladies in evening gowns and sashes sweating their butts off. i had a lovely tinsel crown and a sash. i had a bit of fun and was silly and surely enjoyed those moments as they came.  but then came the OH MY GOD what in the HELL am i doing here moments. i was really uncomfortable. many reasons and none of them worthy of worry or being uncomfortable, it just was.  i did leave and make a meeting, which is always so wonderful and safe. 
i know from listening, reading and the promises, that one day, in time, i will be able to do things without the fears and uncomfortableness; and i believe because so many others do.  i just set myself up, that's all. i didn't drink over it, didn't have a craving for a drink but my character defects were surely present. 
after this experience (which is a good sober reference and 'first'), i think it is time to start step 4.  i will speak with my sponsor, but we have been discussing getting started. i am afraid of step 4. it seems really raw. writing down your character defects. but i hear and read how freeing it does become. and it isn't like this will be the only time i do a step 4 either. so, yeah, i think i'm feeling ready to face those defects so that i am free from bondage of self.
also i'm going through a change. not THE change but a change. my husband is working on himself, which i am honestly happy for him to get to the core of who he is and what makes him happy, because i can not,  it must come from within. the kids are all home all day now too, so i must change up my meetings. let me tell you, this sober mama does not like change. meh! i love my routine, i'm safe, it is predictable, i have my friends, i'm more open....but, my sobriety comes first so i must do what a sober mama must do and that is try other meetings.  i'm sure i will see a lot of the same people, my 'worry' is, i won't be getting to meetings until night. oh gawd, how do i get through the entire day with my three crazy yet adorable kids without completely snapping or breaking down? i guess i have to use the tools that i have. the phone is going to be a must. i use it now, but i text more than i talk. baby steps. i will actually call someone. it just feels weird all over again, but fucking get over it. i mean really, it is a phone call. yeah, so anyway, just a transitional period even though i feel like a glacier just shifted and the world is tipped, i'm certain all will be okay. my higher power is radtastic and even though i don't always like what 'it' decides for me, it works. so give it up and lock it up.