livid

fuck this and fuck that. i am absolutely furious. sick and tired. it is never enough. whether i was drunk or sober it is NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH. i'm supposed to sit here and 'let it go' and continue on with my program and let time work. FUCK YOU TIME. i keep taking responsibilty, when does the other half? why am i not allowed to talk about their drinking and how THAT is putting us on different levels and we aren't progressing. why am i supposed to sit there and speak kindly and compassionately and try and put myself in their shoes all the god damn time. i've reached my limit of doing the next right thing. i am boiling over the top with anger and resentment, where is the outlet for this shit. if someone tells me to let it go i will stab them with my toothbrush. some days i can give stuff up and other times i can't. i get it, growing learning all that shit. but i feel as if i am suffering, i am taking the blame for everything. every fucking little thing. i'm not there for my kids? seriously? i am sober god damn it. i am TRYING to take care of myself without numbing it. i am TRYING to do the right things yet to someone else it's not being there for my kids. or it's not paying enough attention to them? jesus h christ, i'm not a professional juggler. which is it? you, kids, me, drinking, what?? someone tell me what the fuck to do. if it is so bad and you don't like me drunk and you don't like me sober then go the fuck away. cause i can't live up to your expectations or anyone elses. jesus. do i sound off balance, spiritually void. damn straight i am. zapped of all that is good. zapped completely. how am i supposed to continue to take care of myself, work the program when the other person resents what i am doing and is controlling what i am being told because they don't think i can handle it. how can i learn to handle anything if i am not given the chance. i don't need protecting. i'm not ever going to be, nor was i ever, a stepford kind of wife and mother. i don't do PTA, or bake sales, i don't go around with a permagrin on my face, i'm not fucking fake, i have emotions and feelings and i am not going to pretend that i don't or hide them. i will not. i am seething rage right now. seething. it has always been when there is an issue in my marriage it is because of me. when i was drinking, you betcha i had a hell of a lot to do with those issues and i take accountability for those. but i am sober now and i am trying. does that count for anything? something? getting a laundry list of stuff your partner isn't happy about with you while you are sober, well...you might as well pour me a fat fucking glass of wine. cause ya pretty much just made me feel like i am no better than i was. do i feel his points are valid, nope. but it still hurts. somebody else needs to step up to the plate. i'm not taking on anymore shit. i can't. i am so done right now. fuck it all and the horse it rode in on. go find what you want, what you think constitutes your perfect partner and stop punishing me for being me.