Family is Family

oh man.  yesterday was not your typical thanksgiving. in fact, i had never in my life had one like the one i had.

wednesday when i had the issue with my asshole neighbor about leaves (he left the nasty note, i went over nicely to see what was up and it erupted into a screaming match with me calling the cops; in short) it sent me into a head spin.  i still had not been to a meeting since sunday and KNEW my butt needed to get to one and my plan was to go. but i didn't; and that is my own fault. well, this confrontation with the neighbor had me so upset from wednesday afternoon all the way through most of yesterday.  the main reason i was so angry was his verbal attack on me and my husband when he doesn't even know us. it should not have mattered, but it did.

i made it to a meeting thursday morning, but it wasn't a typical meeting setting which was fine but i didn't really listen. my head was too busy dissecting every crazy thing that had happened. my body was still full of venom; his and mine.  not having any alcohol in my system it is easy for me to take on someone's energy because my spirit is like a sponge.  it has so many openings and it able to function correctly by adsorbing instead of resisting. i left the meeting when it was over more confused and conflicted than ever. my anger and resentment was compounded. i had been working so hard on changing my attitude about the holidays and here i had allowed this jerk to change those attitudes.  i didn't want to go to my family's house, because i didn't want to pretend everything was okay when it was not, but i also didn't not want to isolate because that isn't healthy either.  the plan was for my husband to go down early with the kids, i get ready then come later. 

i had put in a call to my sponsor and a friend looking for guidance.  my sponsor wasn't able to return my call until later, which i'll get to in a minute.  here i sit crying over and over and now i didn't even know every reason why i was crying.  and it dawned on me...talk to your higher power you idiot.  i got out my 30 day coin and talked and talked...probably a good half hour.  as soon as i shut my mouth the phone rang and it was my sponsor. 

we talked and talked and she encouraged me to go back to a meeting and if i didn't make it to thanksgiving it was okay because i HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF....the energy that i had expended in almost a 24 hour period had wiped me out.  i can't explain it.  i called the place that was having the all day meetings and asked if i wasn't a part of a commitment group could i still speak and they said sure...i explained i had been there earlier but i didn't think i was allowed to talk. fast forward, i go to the meeting and got it all out of my system...ended up staying for another meeting then talking to a group of women.  and that's when the second half of my miracle happened.

this older lady looked at me and said, you went looking for a fight. i was dumbfounded. what in the hell was she talking about? i went to the neighbor nicely to ask why he wrote the note and he could have just come to talk to us...she said no you didn't, you were pissed and you wanted a fight; that's what we do as alcoholics. i just stared at her. it made no sense. i went on to explain that yes, i did in fact lose my cool after he verbally assaulted me and threatened my property but no, i had no plan on having a fight with him. she and another woman said again, yes you did; you just didn't know it.  they told me to go home and read chapter 3 in the big book.  holy crap.  anger and resentment is alive and well inside of me and i had no idea. NONE. 

i want to back up and tell you about the first half of my miracle...when i went to the first meeting , i had the time screwed up and there was this guy outside of the building. i asked him about the meeting times etc and we struck up a conversation. he asked if i was okay and i said no and the tears began to flow. he said stick around for the meeting...that was the meeting i didn't really listen to when i was there...so when i called to check on times and to see if i could speak, this familiar voice answered...i said, i am really suffering right now and i have already been there once today but it didn't help me, i want to come back but i've got to talk and get some stuff off my chest. he said come back, you can always talk.  when i walked in the room, guess who was sitting at the head table, the man i had met earlier that morning.  after a woman started speaking, he said if there was anyone here that needed to talk to feel free to raise your hand.  well, of course mine shot up like a firework....and out i poured my story...my anger...my resentfulness...my self loathing for letting that idiot screw up my day...

i did not make it to the big family thanksgiving. i spent my day doing damage control on myself. by doing so i had a a miracle happen.  if i had not met that man earlier in the parking lot, had he not answered the phone he would not have known it was me that called when i walked in and knew how badly i was hurting....if i hadn't spoken at that meeting, these women would not have called me out on what the real issue was and directed me to written words to help me understand what was really going on inside of me.  so while i did not spend thanksgiving with my traditional family, i spent it with family and am so very grateful.  so so very grateful.