Champagne Wishes and......

yesterday was a good day.  went to a great meeting then my part time job.  my part time job is so wonderful and it always puts me in a good place, even if i have a crappy morning, when i get there and do what i do, i always leave feeling great. 

when i got home i had a zillion things to get done to prepare for the rush hour of activities before bed time, but i was absolutely exhausted.  the night before my bladder woke me up at 3am and i couldn't go back to sleep.  i may start wearing a pull-up to bed if that continues.  racing around getting laundry done, making dinner, snacks, correcting homework, eat dinner, two soccer practices in two different locations, home, get kids ready for bed then getting myself calmed down and ready for some sleep. 

like i've mentioned before, sleep is on and off these days and dreaming is a new thing.  in the very first two weeks i had several dreams about drinking.  the realistic nature of these dreams would wake me up in a complete state of panic. did i really take a drink and don't remember? if i did, when did i do it? did i tell anyone? all these things race through my mind and caused a cold sweat.  no, i had not had a drink.  these dreams are completely normal and can happen from time to time.  last night i had another one. 

with the holiday season approaching, i am a bit nervous. not terrified, but nervous.  again, i am not physically craving a drink, but this is another time of year that i would usually justify any reason to drink. actually any time i would justify a drink, but this time of year, social drinkers are more visible and well, i would just try and blend in. 

my favorite thing around the holidays is champagne.  i love champagne.  in fact i used to have a ritual called 'champagne thursdays'...yes, it's exactly what you think....i would drink champagne every thursday.  for some reason i stopped that, but i can't remember why.  champagne is one of those drinks that makes me feel special, makes me feel like i'm not 'really' drinking.  i love the little bubbles, i love the way my stemless champagne flutes feel in my hand and i love the buzz it gives me.  yet, waking up the next day with a champagne hangover is the worst.  my head would feel like a ball-ping hammer was hitting on both temples simultaneously, the sweaters on my teeth were horrible and there was nothing i could put in my body to substantially hydrate myself. utter horror the next morning. even though i knew how i would feel the next morning, in my twisted mind i never thought champagne would turn on me.

my dream last night sheds some light on my subconscious right now; at least i believe it does.  i was at a holiday function and sober, still working the program etc.  but someone offered me a glass of champagne. i thought really long and hard about whether to take the glass.  does champagne really count? would i have to start all over if i just had one glass? in my dream i could taste it, smell it and feel the effervescent bubbles tickling my nose. would anyone really consider that one teeny tiny little glass picking up? i told myself no, they wouldn't count that one glass, so i kindly accepted the glass and savored every drop.  i put down my glass and immediately felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame.  i did not want another glass and i wanted to run out of wherever i was before anyone noticed i drank.  i could feel the self loathing rising; how could i have had that one glass? had i not learned anything?

upon waking this morning, i recalled my dream and just sat there in bed feeling so guilty.  quickly i reminded myself that it was only a dream. i had not picked up.  as i sit here and type this, i know that i need to be ever vigilant this holiday season.  if i need to go to two meetings a day, call someone every hour, i am going to do it.  i refuse to throw 24 days of hard work away.  i can't worry about if i'm going to drink thanksgiving day i can only think about today. every day i wake up, i will talk to my higher power and i will ask for guidance and go from there.  today though, i will not drink.