21 days sober today. 
at some point i will write about how i got to the point of wanting to be sober, to let alcohol go and not control me anymore. but for now, i will tell you where i am.

21 days sounds awesome right? it is and it isn't. do i want a drink? not this second. do i feel it was easier to deal with life when i was drinking? sometimes. but i know that is not the truth.  i am in the phase of sobriety where i am having super highs and super lows. ever heard of PAWS? post acute with drawl. fucking sucks donkey balls is what it is. my sleep cycle is all wompycocked...there is no consistency. i'm no narcoleptic, but i might be on my way. i never know when the overwhelming tiredness is going to hit. with three young children, sleep options are my enemy.  the other day i was up and going at 4:30 am. even hit up the grocery store.  last night i was in bed asleep by 6pm up at 10pm back asleep at 12:30am. it is reminiscent of being pregnant. except this time it isn't hormones it is my central nervous system trying to straighten itself out.  the other sucky thing about this PAWS is i can't remember anything for more than about 3 nano seconds.  at first i truly thought i was going crackers. i would unlock my car with my keys, put my purse in then wouldn't be able to find my keys. it took me 20 minutes to locate them. i can't remember if i took my medication, i can't remember a sentence i just read. i spell like a second grader to begin with, but i haven't even been able to spell cat and dog...talk about feeling like an idiot.  at one point i thought, damn, i was more organized as a drunk than a sober drunk.  thank god for sponsors. come to find out, this is all normal. what is so scary is that i have done that much damage to my body. you don't think about your nervous system when your getting loaded, you may think about your liver function after going on bender, but never your nervous system. i am here to tell ya, alcoholism affects so much more.  hopefully these symptoms will go away sooner than later, right now i have to be patient. i'm not patient. i want instant gratification. the only instant gratification you get from sobriety is knowing you didn't drink and you aren't hungover. everything else about sobriety takes work. it doesn't just 'happen'.  listen, i've only got 21 days, i am shooting for a lifetime. easy does it, first things first, one day at a time etc.  all great sayings from A.A. i think i will make a note card for my purse that has those sayings on them when i get impatient and frustrated.  
to tell the truth, the past couple of days have been craptastic. not knowing if you are going to be full of energy, tired, happy, sad, angry can kiss my grits. but guess what? that's called sober living. before, any of those feelings would justify a drink in my head. oh look, it's raining, i should have some wine.  oh, my kids are stressing me out, i should have a bottle of wine.  oh look, we have 3 dollars in our bank account, i should go charge 2 bottles of wine and 3 nips of vodka. and before long, i didn't feel a thing but being drunk...guilt, anxiety and shame.  right now, i can wake up in the morning and not feel guilt or anxiety or shame because i did not take a drink.  i may feel those things as a result of my previous behaviors, but that again, takes time to process, understand then let it go. 
i went to a concert the other night.  went to see michael franti. very uplifting spiritual music for me. i met three girlfriends there who know my story and are very supportive.  at one point we were making our way to the floor and this kid (probably early 20s) says something to me..i couldn't hear him, so i said 'excuse me'?...then he says something to the effect of 'what are you doing, keep moving, where do you think you are going'?...he was either drunk, high or an asshole, either way, i paid just as much money to be there as he did...so, i got right in his face and said 'i've got 19 days of sobriety under my belt, don't fuck with me'. his girlfriend looked at me and said 'everything is cool, enjoy the show'. okay, why was i telling you this? see, i can't remember squat. hold on...oh right..so okay, i'm dancing and a certain song is being sung and i just lost it right there...with all these people...bawling. his music hit my soul so hard. i felt his words and music in my bones. my crying was cathartic and a bit of a spiritual awakening for me. fast forward a bit...the energy of the crowd was getting to be a bit much for me. i've always been open to energy and now without a nervous system depressant flowing through my veins, i was on overload.  i went to the back of the venue and danced and listened. here were all these people yet i felt alone. i'mi'm tired of typing now. maybe more later.