Get out the garland......

what a swell weekend.  so much accomplished on many levels.  it is still amazing to me how much more productive i am sober.  i mean, some people can drink and get a bug up their jug and get all crazy with the productiveness, not me. and i noticed too that i am laughing a lot more. i laughed a lot before, but i am finding more humor in life. cause let's face it, life is pretty damn funny and if you live a crazy life, might as well embrace the crazy with a sense of humor, no? 

i went to a beginners meeting last night. not my first one, but i usually don't get too much out of these meetings for a variety of reasons.  but last night, there was a definite reason i was there.  we read something that was pretty powerful, listened to someone's story which was equally powerful and i met a woman who, like me, decided she needed help and came to a meeting, alone and for the first time.  it was such a real pleasure to reach out to her and honestly say 'i know how you feel'.  there aren't many things in life where you can completely relate to another person.  but when you can relate and somehow provide support and maybe a little comfort it feels great.  seeing this woman reminded me of walking into that first meeting.  granted that was only 29 days ago so it is uber fresh, but still....i felt the fear, uncertainty, but 'want' for change.  quite powerful. 

also this weekend, i have shifted my thinking  about the holidays.  i've been fearful and paralyzed about all of it really, and not just the drinking but all that goes into the holidays.  one of the cog shells in my brain turned, and it moved me toward positive thinking.  there is only one thing i can't do...and that is drink.  THAT IS IT! i can do anything else i want. how fucking amazing is that? i can enjoy the decorating, i can enjoy the cooking, i can look forward to the chaos (okay, that might be exaggerating), i can look forward to waking up christmas morning fresh and in the moment.  what an amazing gift.  i can laugh, i can do a gosh darn jig if i want.  i don't need no stinkin' alcohol to have fun and enjoy what is going on around me.  and listen, this is about me and no one else.  i really don't care if someone else drinks. there is absolutely NO judgment on that.  all that matters to me, is that i don't drink.  this will be the first holidays in four years that i don't get down with my nemesis (no, not kelly bates) but alcohol.  it's crazy, it's liberating....you know, when you think about the fact that chemically, my body doesn't produce an enzyme that breaks down the alcohol therefore feeds the fuel to drink more, it takes the pressure off.  i haven't gotten to where i am not blaming myself, and i will get there in time.  yet, i know this is a disease and that concept is slowly penetrating my thinking; which is a good thing.  that gives me strength. 

today i don't drink so that tomorrow i don't drink.  and tomorrow will be 30 days. 30 mother fucking days.