Never liked me a roller coaster

 wake up feeling like a million bucks. on top of the world with a cherry on top. then BAM....saddest, angriest girl in the world. who knew that holiday shopping could piss you off? i mean, we know it can piss you off when it's crowded, snotty sales people, perfume nazis in the front of the stores, but none of that happened today. it was the decorations, sales, and festive music playing that made me want to set an elf on fire. why you ask? because it is a reminder that the holidays are here. it is a reminder that everything will be different this year. different is good, but i don't like major changes or transitions.

after going to a few stores i got into my car and was completely paralyzed. literally staring at my phone sitting there in the parking lot. what was i doing there? where was i going? tears began to well up but i brushed it off as being weak. grow some balls i thought to myself. off i drive to the dreaded mall in search of christmas outfits for the kids. couldn't find a thing except for happy people and more decorations and sales. cripes! on the verge of running into traffic, i text my wonderful friend to see what she is doing.  we made a date at the super store of all things expired and cheap, Big Lots.

we meander through BL so she could find a tree skirt and i was looking for some pots to replant some plants. friend 1 me 0.  we go to lunch. had a delightful turkey club yet a more serious conversation.  it was good to just talk.  neither one of us had topics filled with joyful dialogue, but it felt good to connect.  after lunch i decide just to go home. 

once home and things had settled down, i turned into a blubbering fool.  i was just pissed and sad. there really aren't ways to describe it unless you are in the 'program' (sounds super special doesn't it?). but i was pissed that i couldn't have a glass of wine with lunch, which would have been the norm for me. i was pissed at myself for getting to the point where i can't have a glass of wine. i was sad thinking i will never drink again. and damn, if i've heard it once i've heard it more than once, 'don't tell yourself you will never drink again, it is too overwhelming. you tell yourself you will not drink today'.  today i couldn't tell myself that. don't worry, i didn't drink, but i couldn't stay in the present and keep it just for today.  i started snowballing and the anxiety level was at a level close to a panic attack.  i called my sponsor.  she says everything i'm feeling is normal. normal? really? i feel like a fucking freak show. i start the day fine and then next thing you know i'm ready to set elves aflame...she said her sponsor told her in the beginning of her sobriety (she will have 23 yrs on monday) that when you cry like that, it means you are changing and that the first year is a roller coaster.  ya'll better hold on to your hats, cause i'm either going to be a blubbering freak show or a raging bitch.  i am that box of chocolates forrest gump talks about...you never know what you are going to get....except a sober me.