i wish today i could say that i woke up with a feeling of joy. but i did not. my heart is heavy. i feel as if i am wearing a really badly knitted sweater that got caught on a sharp metal object and as i walk towards doing the right thing, i am unraveling. and quickly at that.
being of a clear mind is wonderful but also painful. anyone that knows me, knows that i am an introspective person, analytical, reflective and alll and all thinker. that is my mental make up. i can not change that. what i can change is letting go and leaving it up to my higher power as i see it, to take the lead and learn to follow. this my friends is not at all easy.
i talked to my higher power today...call it praying, whatever. i believe in the universe and i believe in energy and karma and all of those things mixed together. i've asked for help. i ask for help every day. what is difficult is trusting in it. believing that even though i am doing the right thing by not taking a drink doesn't mean that i am still not going to suffer. and i am suffering today. i don't want a drink. i don't have a craving for a drink. i have a craving for mental relief, which in the past was the excuse for drinking.
i didn't become an alcoholic over night. in fact as i continue to stay sober, i can see that i have been an alcoholic for quite some time, and there are many different types of alcoholics. when i first started telling people, most were shocked and would say 'are you sure'?. my answer was yes. how do i know this? i know this because i am now at the point where i do not know what will happen if i pick up a drink. can i have one, two or 1,000. i was sneaking alcohol, i was lying about my drinking and i couldn't manage my life without having a drink. i had played the mental games of, 'oh, i'll just drink on weekends, or i will only drink after 5'. i tried so very hard to put limits on my drinking and absolutely could not do it. i have no idea when i decided or how i rationalized drinking the way i did, the amount or the times of day; i just did it without thinking. now i have to constantly think, you can't have that drink; it isn't worth it. and in my heart i know that to be true.
where do i go from here? i know i can't pick up, i know i can't numb myself, i know i have to be honest. have you ever been really honest with yourself? one of those moments when you will admit you feel something then immediately deny it in your head? i don't have that option anymore if i was to get well and stay there. so that leads to some serious inventory taking on my life. serious. i have the fight or flight thing going on right now. i don't want to fight but i want to run like hell (it's a good thing i'm out of shape or i probably would!). in A.A. they tell you, just because you are sober doesn't mean life is all roses, it just means that you are dealing with life and you have to deal with it without a drink. that makes me wanna kick a kitten right now. but i am doing it.
i was always a social drinker, then it evolved into a daily drinker then eventually an all the time drinker. i am a stay at home mom. my job while my choice, can be absolutely boring as hell, mundane, repetitive, exhausting etc. i don't get sick days, i don't get vacation time, i don't get a paycheck, i don't get a lot of things, especially recognition sometimes. what i do get, is the ability to be with my kids. sometimes that is good other times not so much. but any parent will tell you that. being a parent is the most incredible thing in the world but it is also the hardest thing you will ever do. the responsibility of shaping these little spawns into self supporting, kind, loving adults is a crap shoot. there is no manual here. there is no guarantee that what you teach them they will use for good and not evil. all you can hope for is that when the time comes to make the right choices, they will and if not, at the very least learn from their mistakes. folks, that is a lot of pressure on a parent. you love these little suckers more than life itself yet you know you don't have control of them. if you think you do, you are kidding yourself. they control themselves, what we can do is teach them the tools to control themselves in a positive way. anyway, when i started to drink very heavily and sneak, i did it for many reasons. some i knew right away, and some it's gonna take a lot of digging to find out why. but at the time, i thought, what's the big deal. drinking wine and folding laundry is fine. drinking wine while cleaning the bathroom is more interesting. seriously, none of those things are fun but with a few pops in me, i didn't mind doing them even though i knew that at some point all my hard work would be undone. fast forward a bit...i woke up on the morning of oct. 18th and decided i did not want alcohol to control me any longer. i made that decision on my own free will, i was not forced, it was me that said enough is enough. i called the local A.A. office and asked about a meeting. my first meeting was that thursday. i walked into that meeting alone, terrified and on the verge of a panic attack. i made it three steps in before the tears started flowing. i couldn't stop. a woman sat next to me and was a major comfort. i listened to everyone that spoke. and i kept crying. when it was time to get chips for the length of sobriety, i wasn't about to go up for the 24hr one. the woman next to me said 'you should go up, there is no shame here'. so i stood up and walked to the front to get my chip. about 50 people stood up and clapped. they clapped for me. it was an overwhelming feeling to know these people who i did not know were genuinely happy and proud of me. i must admit after that i have contemplated getting an applause machine, cause hey, who doesn't like a standing ovation?
today i will not drink. today i will go though another pile of shit i have created and take responsibility for it. today i will ask for help. today i will try my best to be patient and wait for the answers to become clear. today i will take care of myself.
i feel helpless in a way, yet surrendering is the only way to become stronger.
As always, I am so proud of you!
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