the day is continuing to get worse...i feel like my chest has been cut open and i am completely exposed. my head is swimming, i'm panicky, and most definitely not centered or grounded. i found myself sitting in the parking lot of a liquor store for many, many minutes. i never went in, but i can't believe i pulled into the lot. so badly i wanted to go in there and get that nip of vodka...i wanted to feel it warm my veins and take the edge off...the emotional roller coaster is too much. i just can't do it today. i don't want to do it today. i want to numb something...i want to take the edge off something...my schedule/routine is messed up and that really screws with me; and i hate routines/schedules, but they do make you feel safe just like they do for kids. i am taking it 5 minutes at a time today. i am saying that serenity prayer over and over. i don't feel like i deserve all these kind things that have been happening to me. why would people say these things? why would they do these things? how pathetic that i can't allow myself to accept the kindness...i don't have to believe it, but i can not accept it because i don't feel i am worth the words or actions. today or at least right now fucking sucks. i hate this. i HATE THIS. i want a fucking drink. i'm furious that i can't have a fucking drink. i want to pitch a two year old tantrum. i want to scream at anyone that comes near me. i want to be in a hole, isolate and be fucking miserable bitch because i can't handle the positive today. i tried. i really really tried. where is my god damn peace? where is my fucking serenity? i am so angry, sad, lifeless and hopeless today. such a change from yesterday...so yeah, i know it doesn't last forever, but i am honoring how i feel right now and i feel like fucking shit. yay for feelings they rock.
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