this truly may have been the worst day in my sobriety. i have puked from so much anxiety...i had a full fledged panic attack during my meeting where i literally passed out on the floor in the bathroom.. my brain is short circuiting to the point i couldn't find the door handle to get out of the car. all of this and i mean ALL of this because of feelings. other people's actions and my reaction. other people's decisions and my reactions. this entire time i have felt as if i did something wrong. that i was at fault. that i ruined something. why? because this was me as a child...please don't be mad at me, i really didn't do anything wrong. please don't ignore me, i really didn't do anything. please don't take away your affection, i didn't do anything. those years of being told i didn't count, that i wouldn't be anything, that i was a whore, that i was a loser if i didn't do this or that, robbed my soul of any self worth. i didn't want you. you don't know what loss is. your feelings don't fucking matter. you don't matter. this is why i am a black hole. this is why i give so much of myself away to others because why should i protect myself; i am not worthy of protection. those who were to protect, me didn't.
i am broken today. a broken spirit. a broken body.
i didn't pick up a fucking drink. the thought never even crossed my mind. i rather feel this suffering and true pain and go through it so that i never have to go through it again at this level. no one can take my sobriety away from me and i will be fucking damned if i let anyone do or say anything to me that makes me feel a drink will make it better. no mother fucking way.
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