willingness

been so busy with this and that, i have not had time to update lately. i'm sure you all have been holding on to your seats with baited breath for my next post. 

things in general are going well. after a not so minor breakdown last week, i found 'willingness'; willingness to try new thing with regards to the program, the willingness to truly have faith that there is a higher power that can restore me back to sanity. the willingness to give thanks and praise to my higher power everyday as many times a day as i need and not just when i'm hurting. 

i recently  had to step outside of my box and was so freaking uncomfortable i thought i was going to crawl out of my skin, but with faith, i did what was asked of me and although incredibly uncomfortable, the result was the breakthrough. 

it feels as if one of the large heavy gauge metal chains has been broken and i can breathe a little bit better, see a bit better and feel a bit better.  

as naive as this sounds, i truly, truly thought when i started this journey of sobriety that the hardest part would be putting the drink down and 'breaking' the habit.  while that is still a thought in my mind (having a drink, that temptation has not been lifted yet, but i know it will come when i am ready) i honestly did not realize the emotional anguish i would go through. and yes, i've been through it before, but again like i've said, i've got to go through it again, and make peace with it and ask my higher power to take it away so that i no longer suffer. this too, will take time...and it may have to be done many times, but i am NOW WILLING to go through that process. i am now WILLING to hurt so that i may heal, for good.  i will always be an alcoholic, but i don't have to be a suffering, recovering alcoholic. 

new years day i had 76 days sobriety. i have started 2011 sober. small miracles happen if you are willing to let them, willing to ask for help and willing to have faith. i was my own stumbling block because i just didn't have complete faith that there was something out there bigger than me that wanted me to be healthy. those of you that know me, can understand that inner conflict.

but today, i have not had a drink. today, i have talked/prayed to my higher power many times, just for the heck of it. today, i know i am becoming a power of example for my children.