blizzard

i made it through...i woke up this morning and the first mental vision i had was of a green computer screen with red letters that said : you are clean. your motivation was out of love.

now who knows what that could be. i could twist and turn it to be whatever i need it to mean. it's clear that i need to just acknowledge just those words; plain and simple.

brushing my teeth this morning, i could look in the mirror and be okay with me and how i had to handle an unfortunate situation. 

my sponsor is the most amazing person. talking to her last night brought me to a place of utter rawness and childlike qualities. it was as if i was an 8 year old.  her ability (because of her long sobriety) to break it all down, then break it down more, then ask questions that may seem obvious but have no answers until they are presented to me is beyond comprehension. that is the beauty of AA for me. the beauty of another woman who has felt and still feels certain things but to know, i don't have to numb myself. last night was the first time in my entire life (no drama queen here) that someone told me 'it isn't your fault'. never have i heard those words been directed to me. ever.  i was transported back to my childhood. and again, it's not bashing...they didn't know better; doesn't make it right, but they didn't know any different. 

i am going to be okay. i am not willing to give this up. i can't and i won't. i pick up a drink, i'm dead. i won't make it back. it's that simple. and i don't want to die.

baby steps...slow and steady growth is what is going to keep me sober.
i am so very grateful..grateful...and in awe of what AA does for you....people may fail you, but the program never will.